Changed my surname and kept it a secret

[Janexxx]

Hello,

I found this website as I was looking to chat to others who have CPTSD. It’s such a lonely experience and I feel I’m going through it alone. Last year I went to see a therapist and discovered I have complex CPTSD from childhood.

I was neglected and my parents were going through financial and relationship problems. They were both depressed, my mum especially. I was also born with an embarrassing surname and was bullied all through school. Taunted, punched, kicked, pushed down stairs, spat on and with my parents being so absent no adult helped me. When I was still in school I legally changed my surname to try to protect myself. The problem is I was so proud of my new self and name that I completely cut out the old name. I kept it a secret when I left school.

Fast forward to adult me and the old name triggers absolute fear and terror in me. I just can’t face it or tell anyone my current name is not actually my name. I haven’t told my partner, my best friend who I would trust most things with. The only person I’ve told is my therapist. My story is so unusual but I would love to meet and talk to someone who has gone through anything similar. Even to talk to people who went through shame, bullying and neglect as a child. Thank you for reading

 

[Movingforward10]

I relate.
All that belittling, sense of you not mattering, you not being enough, you being defective: stays with you and is so insidious it's hard to work out the impact. It's interwined in everything.

I suspect that if you tell people like you partner and friend they will be absolutely fine. The meaning for them won't be the same for you.
Do you want to tell them?

 

[Janexxx]

I relate.
All that belittling, sense of you not mattering, you not being enough, you being defective: stays with you and is so insidious it's hard to work out the impact. It's interwined in everything.

I suspect that if you tell people like you partner and friend they will be absolutely fine. The meaning for them won't be the same for you.
Do you want to tell them?

Thank you for getting back to me. Yes it’s exactly that. I’ve had years of cbt therapy to work on low self esteem, anxiety and depression. I’ve always had this strong sense that I’m worthless and I don’t matter.

I think deep down I do want to tell people to relieve this huge secret I carry around. But when I face it coming out I go into fight or flight and scramble to keep it secret. It’s like a phobia. I feel beyond ashamed and don’t want to explain the past to everyone. I’m currently doing EMDR therapy to try and work through the trauma in the hope it doesn’t trigger me as much

 

[FFnerd]

I also relate, although my bullying came from in-house - that old name was used as a weapon against you, and at the time the best way for you to disarm your enemy was to change it.
Now though, I suspect the people in your life have no intentions/desire to weaponize such a thing against you. As they shouldn’t if they are decent friends/partner.

In my experience, simply showing my ‘cards’ (ie. basic aspects of who I am as a person, but may have been used to belittle me in the past) to people, have helped to take the sting away. That fear of bullying repeating itself if I don’t hide my insecurities hasn’t happened yet - and there’s something to be said about the healing nature of having truly supportive friends/partner rewriting the narrative of those parts of yourself you were taught to hate.
But it’s a scary process, there are still things I don’t even realize I hide/supress about myself around others. Wishing you success on your journey it’s a long one friend

 

[Movingforward10]

I think deep down I do want to tell people to relieve this huge secret I carry around

I'm holding on to the massive healing sense of relief you could get if you tell your partner and they respond in a way that validates you. Imagine how healing that could be?

But when I face it coming out I go into fight or flight and scramble to keep it secret. It’s like a phobia. I feel beyond ashamed and don’t want to explain the past to everyone

Yeah, deep shame is so hard. We believe the negative and toxic narratives we were given and it's so hard to believe there is another way. But the messages you grew up with were lies. The shame was never yours and realising that means you don't need to carry that shame any more.

 

[Ecdysis]

Do you have a therapist to talk about this with?

 

[arfie]

hello jane. welcome to the forum. for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

I think deep down I do want to tell people to relieve this huge secret I carry around.

i subscribe to the theory that we are only as sick as our secrets. kept secret, that trauma stays inside with ample room to grow and morph under the cover of secrecy. left out in the sanitizing sun of honesty, the trauma reduces to the human folly it is. the effort i once spent on guarding the secrets becomes available for more productive uses.

so believeth i. . .

steadying support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.

 

[Janexxx]

I'm holding on to the massive healing sense of relief you could get if you tell your partner and they respond in a way that validates you. Imagine how healing that could be?

Yeah, deep shame is so hard. We believe the negative and toxic narratives we were given and it's so hard to believe there is another way. But the messages you grew up with were lies. The shame was never yours and realising that means you don't need to carry that shame any more.

Yes I think you are right. I don’t want to carry this around anymore, it’s exhausting. I need to work towards what that looks like. In my mind it’s this big awful reveal. Everyone gather round I have a secret to tell you. Everyone shocked and confused. My best friend of 8 years and my partner of 6 angry I kept this from them. I wish I hadn’t left it so long. I think I went through life loving my new name and that being who I was. I didn’t think the old name would still be there.

I also try to get on with my family like nothing ever happened which is very hard. Me and my 2 siblings all have mental health problems and eating disorders. There’s been health issues that were ignored as children that we’ve had to deal with ourselves when we got old enough to do so. I’m so angry at them. And when I ask why they didn’t at least discuss with me about changing my surname at the time my mum just says “you were a teenager, you were just going to do what you wanted”. It’s makes it all my fault and I hate them for it.

 

[Janexxx]

I also relate, although my bullying came from in-house - that old name was used as a weapon against you, and at the time the best way for you to disarm your enemy was to change it.
Now though, I suspect the people in your life have no intentions/desire to weaponize such a thing against you. As they shouldn’t if they are decent friends/partner.

In my experience, simply showing my ‘cards’ (ie. basic aspects of who I am as a person, but may have been used to belittle me in the past) to people, have helped to take the sting away. That fear of bullying repeating itself if I don’t hide my insecurities hasn’t happened yet - and there’s something to be said about the healing nature of having truly supportive friends/partner rewriting the narrative of those parts of yourself you were taught to hate.
But it’s a scary process, there are still things I don’t even realize I hide/supress about myself around others. Wishing you success on your journey it’s a long one friend

Thank you, it’s nice to hear from other people who relate. How have you gone about telling people parts from your past?

 

[Janexxx]

hello jane. welcome to the forum. for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i subscribe to the theory that we are only as sick as our secrets. kept secret, that trauma stays inside with ample room to grow and morph under the cover of secrecy. left out in the sanitizing sun of honesty, the trauma reduces to the human folly it is. the effort i once spent on guarding the secrets becomes available for more productive uses.

so believeth i. . .

steadying support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.

That makes so much sense. It is like a sickness. I can feel it inside me and it causes so many horrible body sensations. I would welcome any advice on how to reveal this secret to people

 

[Janexxx]

Do you have a therapist to talk about this with?

Yes I do. I’m seeing a trauma therapist and doing EMDR. Any other therapy recommendations welcome

 

[Ecdysis]

Have you tried EMDR for this specific issue?