Changes, My Move, And Feeling Very Weird and Scared

[cragger65]

2Not!!!! It's so good to hear from you =) I'm glad you are fairing as well as you are, I'm so proud of you. It was good just to see your name on the board again. Please keep us up on what's happening.

Dave

 

[2notbedefeated]

Thanks Cragger,

I'm having to do all the packing except my husbands "library" of books. With four in a family and my lack of motivation to keep up with "stuff" that has accumulated over the almost 5 years we've been here it has added up to alot of "junk".

I worked on packing 12 hours straight yesterday with only two 30 min. breaks. And I have been packing constantly since last week. Kids have been moody to and that certainly doesn't help matters.

I had a spat with my mother's helper yesterday. Everyone seems to be functioning at a high stress level and very edgy. Everyone is emotional and I don't know how to handle it all. I feel like a ping pong ball gone wild bouncing off the walls at all angles.

I am so mad at myself though. I totally blew this evening. I lost my cool and started to scream (no words just a couple a few screams because I was so hurt by the way my kids were treating me) I ended up thowing things in my hands to the ground fell to the floor and basically had a grown-up version of a temper tantrum. Geesh, what is my problem.

I never did feelings before and the meds kept me form them, but now, ugh. living life with feelings is totally different.

I'm so ashamed of myself. Luckily the kids didn't see me do this, but they heard me yelling out and it scared them. Now I feel so bad and mad at myself.

I know I shouldn't go into picking myself apart, but when it involves my kids. I just get so upset with myself. I hate myself at times. Sometimes I wish I had no family then I wouldn't have to worry about hurting others and messing up my kids growing up healthy and undamaged by a wacko, crazy mom that just messes them up.

Anyway, Monday we head out to our new destination. We think we have a house, but until we sign the papers on Monday nothing is a for sure thing. I so hope this one works out.

I am stressed, stressed, stressed over all this packing. I miss chatting with others here. I can't wait until some "sanity" comes into my life soon.

See ya around.

 

[2notbedefeated]

Well "folks",

Looks like I'll be on my way in a couple of hours. I'm exhausted, scared, and stressed from all the packing and stuff. I don't know exactly when I'll be back online. Wish me luck. I'm so freaked by all this.

 

[cragger65]

Best of luck 2Not, my thoughts and prayers go with you. I know you will settle into your new place soon, I look forward to having you back on the board regularly again!!

Take good care, *hugs*
Dave

 

[fin]

I will be looking out for you also 2not, hoping it goes well for you.

 

[2notbedefeated]

Hey guys,

Finally we got internet service this afternoon (feb. 19).

Boy, oh boy, for the first time in quite awhile I had a panic attack and thought I was going to lose it yesterday while driving around trying to find my way back to our new home.

My son was acting up and I was so stressed. My gosh, I thought I was going to shatter into a zillion pieces or have an amnesia episode...........I don't know exactly, but man I have not felt so freaked, fearful, anxious, confused; oh man, the confusion!

My head and brain were hurting and I couldn't even think straight. I wanted to jump out of my car, run away and find a safe spot to just disappear from consciousness for a while. I couldn't however, because my son was in the car with me.

Ugh! I have cried a swimming pool of tears by now. I am feeling so lost and frightened. I feel just like my "PTSD cat" , Java, who just stayed in the corner of the car and then in our room, trembling and meowing once in awhile out of fear of not knowing what would come next.

Please, oh please, I don't know how I am going to get through this. I have no therapist yet either. My whole family needs major counseling. My kids don't listen to me, they say mean things to me, (it hurts so bad when they do that), they yell at me.

Darn, I have to go. A possible catastrophe may have just occured. Oh, Please, if you can, send whatever positive vibes and prayers you have my way. I'm a survivor, but this kind of "happenings" and events is a bit much right now.

 

[Mercy]

Hi 2nottobedefeated,

I guess you've discovered for yourself that moving is one of the most stressful events we can go through. I read somewhere that the stress level is right up there with death of a loved one. Let's think of the place you left as the loved one, even if it wasn't, You are experiencing loss. You have lost all your known roadmarks, stores, parks, ice cream shops......

It is hard to start over even in a place you like. For me it takes a long time partly because I dissociate and so don't find my way around all that easily.

First hint: Always carry a large scale map of your area. Mark it up with places you like so you can find them again. And mark parts of your area you don't want to deal with yet.

Second hint: Always carry water/juice and a snack for yourself and your son. That way if you do get a little lost, it won't matter all that much.

Third hint: at home look through your area's newspapers. They'll tell you some of what is going on like events at the Library and free concerts. Check out the adds so you can get an idea of what's available near you.

I hope this helps. It is great that even though you've moved geographically
you are still here!!!!! : )

 

[cragger65]

Hi 2Not, I am so glad you can connect again, a small blessing in itself that we all take for granted sometimes. I don't know what I can offer in words, but I will be sending you major waves of positive energy and wishes tonight, all I can muster.

I know right now it must be so overwhelming, but the dust really will settle in stages, you will find your feet again. I really do believe God guides us to what we need at this juncture in our lives. You are meant to meet someone important to your healing, no doubt.

** hugs **
Dave

 

[2notbedefeated]

Thanks Mercy and Cragger,

Those ideas you shared Mercy are great and I will certainly do them. The map idea will help. Yeap, I too dissociate and can't remember my around either. I had to tell my therapist (the one from my former home) that it took me about 4 years to finally get brave enough to venture around my area and other "unknown" places.

Thanks for the prayers and positive vibes Cragger. I know something sure helped me to make it through the last couple of days.

This seems to be my pattern in adjusting and learning my way around. Even a single block going in another direction from a somewhat familiar place can freak me out. It's silly I know, but that's just the way it is right now.

Well, anxiety is still high. We are all exhausted. A couple of nights ago I was so tired I started to fall asleep while at the kitchen table listening to Dad and daughter chatting. My daughter grabbed my hand and "dragged" me to bed.

I kept saying I need to change into my PJ's, but I was too tired to do even that one thing. My dayghter was telling me to not worry about my pj's and to just get into bed and she tucked my in. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. I have always had severe difficult getting and staying asleep, even with sleeping pills, so in one way this exhaustion helped me to sleep good for a change.

So busy running around, trying to unpacked and purchase items we need. I get scared when we start to spend alot of money.

I lived in this place 5 years go. Hubby and I meet here and married. We're living in a totally new area that I never learned to drive in. It has brought back memories of how I was when I met my now husband and what all that was like.

I hate the me I have become now. What happen to the quiet and gentle me I use to be, so sensitive and considerate and caring. This PTSD and the recall of sexual abuse and all that crap has so "destroyed" me, or so it seems anyway. I'm fearful, demanding and selfish. I lose my temper easily and say hateful things at times. What happened to that part of me from 13 years ago?

I'm grumpy, certainly not gentle majority of the time, I feel bitchy and at times uncaring. The person I was, and thought I liked, is no longer alive. My husband I know misses that part of me. He too, however has changed alot in his personality too and in our relationship, because of this d** disorder or whatever you want to call it.

Anyway I'll write on that topic some other time. It's so hard here. I feel so lonely and detached, and I am grieving, that is exactly what it feels like. I almost think it is worse than the grief I experienced when my mom and day passed away.

Thanks for the support I hope to write more tomorrow. It's been another long and somewhat evently day and I have to tuck kiddies in bed.

Sorry I didn't have time to edit this.

hugs to you

 

[2notbedefeated]

I'm still very freaked and full of panic. I wonder if I should go on a medication to help me with my anxiety and bouts with depression. I get so explosive, irritable, grouchy, anger, yelling at husband and kids. I just can't seem to keep my patience for too long. I have moments when it is almost impossible to get out of bed because I feel overwhlemed before I even start the day.

I can't seem to deal with all the responsebilites place on me. It is too much and I have to keep asking over and over for my husband to help me. I wish he would offer rather than my asking him and him responding our of obligation rather than sincerety and love.

Little things get on my nerves. Any resistance with the kids cause an overaction of loud voice. Husband is to preoccupied with the move (I guess he should be) but he is just "so out there" right now, detached. I feel overlooked. I don't want to get into a whiny pitty part here, but I want relationship and connection with him and it 'aint there.

My whole schedule is one whole hour earlier because the kids take the bus. My kids are just do wild and out of hand at time, it's embarrasing. I can't seem to get and keep them undercontrol. They backtalk, act sassy, try to manipulate, and are disrespectful to me. I dont' feel strong enough at times to stand u[ and address allthis stuff. In fact I really don't know how to stand up, what that looks like and entials goes beyond my capablilities.

I took a few minutes to look for some therapist to consult, for me as well as my family and kids. My family is one chaotic and confusing unit. Things are so out of balance and out of hand. I don't know what to do about it. What is the next step.

I've again cried alot. I so miss my support and friends back where I came. The feels like it will never go away and noone will be able to take the place of what I had back previoulsy before out move.

 

[2notbedefeated]

I want to say how sorry I am that I have not had the time to spend catching up with everyone and the posts that go up each day. I want too, I just don't have the time. And if I do, which is rare, have a moment, I plopp onto the bed or sofa and close eyes in exhaustion to try and recoup for the next round with kids and household duties.

This location move just has me feeling like such a darn yo yo. I fight anxiety alot too lately. House and kids are out of hand. So frustrated. I just wanta give up. Take a train to never never land and stay there. Life is to hard to deal with at times.

I feel so alone, detached, and so much anxiety mixed with some depression. I can't want till tomorrow because my hubby starts his new job and I have the house all to myself until kids come home from school. I just want to lay in bed, pull covers over head and slip into darkness into nothingness.

Atleast until kids get home. There is still so much unpacking and errands to do. Ugh I can't keep it all straight and my husband is not "on top of things' and yet I don't feel I have the energy, concentration, knowledge and understanding to do them myself. I feel so weak and exhausted.

Just to help kids with homework it a huge enough task. Thank heaven I will have help tomorrow afternoon. It took my daughter over 2 hours to complete her homework. Good grief she is only in the fourth grade!:mad:

Anyway, my head is spinning with all I have to do and I can't seem to focus on anyone thing. All I feel is that there is alot to do, but what to do, even though it may be obvious, I still ponder its necessity and priority.:think:

So rough, so rough today. I want to give up - its easier than fighting the "giants" in my life!:dontknow:

 

[2notbedefeated]

Hey all,

Just wanted to touch base and share how things are going for me and my family. This move is so incredibly hard, as I'm sure you already know. I'm really struggling right now to keep my "head above water."

I have been working on doing the things some of you have shared with me. I have become less demanding on myself and trying to be kind to myself. I still feel overwhelmed and depressed. I have to tell myself that things will get better and to give myself and my family time to adjust. The lack of motivation and depression is so great right now.

It seems like everytime I finally think things are going to be stable for once, and I can take a deep breath, let my hair down and relax some "problem" always seems to happen. Yesterday afternoon I thought to myself, "finally I can relax things seem to be calming down." Well.........

The study tutor we hired to help the kids catch up with their classmates in the new school is not going to be able to continue. She was a great motivator to the kids and great in handling my children's challenging behaviors. They require extra tutoring just to catch up with the other kids in school due to the heavy emphasis on top scoring on the SOL tests. The homework load these kids have is incredible, you'd think they are in college or something.

This news was overwhelming for me and I went into a "regressive" state twice yesterday. So ashamed to admit this. I was able to prevent this from happening since our move to this new place.

I did do one thing I had been struggling to do for myself. I have a "phone" phobia, but I finally got the courage to call a possible new therapist to see and set up a consultation appointment for next week.

I hope I have the energy to start this whole process over again with a new therapist. It is so hard and takes lots of effort to start over with another therapist. Ugh, having to share past history and stirring up old memories all over again is such a challenge and scary.

I don't know if I can handle doing this and getting to know and trust another therapist. I hope I like this new therapist so I don't have check out another one if I don't feel comfortable with him.

I have to close for now, just writing this took lots of effort. I want to try to stay connected. Knowing that you guys are here for me helps to encourage me to press onward and work on getting myself in balance and towards "wholeness."

Any Hello's or Hi's to this note would be appreciated. Thanks.