Chauvenistic / Mysogenistic Comments

[OKRADLAK]

Others sure do have a way of making us feel things about ourselves that stick. I do not know why the negative sticks so much. But it does and not just to PTSD sufferers. With all the people in therapy, whew........we are a flawed race that is for sure.

 

[Bitterblue]

I'm wondering if I should bring this topic up again?

I have to say I kind of understand what you're going through MissAntiSunshine, I'm also struggling. [I could ramble here but this thread isn't about me.] I hope you don't mind if I say a few words here.

It seems that (some) male friends don't always understand why the things they say are so frightening and upsetting, and they will fight you if you tell them you're bothered... but that doesn't make it okay to keep doing it. Some kinds of comments on certain subjects are just out of line.

I think you have the right to say if you feel uncomfortable.
You're not overreacting. You're not alone. It's not just you that feels a sudden cold freeze and starts questioning if you're hearing right. You don't need to find 'good enough' reasons to be upset. It's not just you.
There's someone else feeling this way.

I'm really hoping things get better, you shouldn't have to feel disgusted and anxious about someones behaviour in your own home, or hide in your room to feel safe. Maybe tell your fiance plainly that you are stressed and triggered by the sexual things his mate is saying to you, because he doesn't seem to be standing supportively behind you on this one.

As for simply accepting it all for the purpose of working on triggers...
I think maybe that wouldn't help much to do that in this setting. My doctor tells me that exposing yourself gradually to your fears is what eventually makes them manageable....but I don't think it should be done in a way that you have no control over or where you have given up control - you'll bottle the feelings up and then feel worse.

I'd think it's better to desensitize to scary things from a position of safety, situations you can initiate and leave at will so you learn that you can manage it (rather than just being randomly subjected to it), that you really can be safe and that these triggers actually don't herald fresh danger.

You can't relearn trust and safety in an inappropriate situation that is controlled by someone else - and certainly not when the frightening things are done in your own home. It's too similar to the original abuse. That will just reinforce that you are vulnerable and this trigger --> fear.

I hope I haven't offended with unasked for advice or plain speaking, I just saw something I could relate to and wanted to chip in.

Healing and understanding from Bitterblue.

 

[Sethe]

I have a friend who lives downstairs from me in my complex. He is great company, except he always makes remarks that are sexual or suggestive... basically every disgusting thought a woman may try to push away from to prevent feeling degraded by imagery or media (at least in my experience/understanding).

My first reaction would be to tell him to get the F*CK out of my apartment. But, then again, I tend to express myself more now.

I think he's TRYING to trigger you.

I agree with other posts about boundaries. You've got to take care of yourself. You are the best person who knows how to do that.

When he starts acting like an immature prick- leave, or tell him to get his dumbass out.

You should not have to 'tolerate' someone who is causing you distress.You're not making it bigger than it seems. You're not overreacting. This is how you feel. You feel upset. Period. If he does not respect your feelings, then he's not a healthy 'friend.' He's putting his own sick fascination with triggering you (and probably other women) over your needs.

You deserve much better 'friends.'

How does your fiance deal with this? Have you expressed how upset you are with this asshole's comments? He's your backup. Where is he when this stuff happens? Is he not there when this happens? Your fiance actually argued with you that 'you can't be offended?' (I tried to read all the posts and this is what I got).

You should not have to pander to this 'psych major's' fetishes. This really sounds abusive.

Sounds like 'cat and mouse' play to me.

If he won't leave, then you could leave. Don't indulge him. That's what he wants.

This guy seems UNSAFE.

Sorry, if I was a little forward. I've dealt with these assclowns before and they still trigger me.

Good luck.

 

[Bitterblue]

Yeah. It's dodgy and you don't have to put up with it, whether he thinks it's funny or not.

I don't think you are over reacting.

As most have said above, you need to set boundaries and spell it out in clear short sentences that his comments/behaviour is not acceptable. let him know how much it upsets you and that if he persists he will not be welcome in your home. Your home, the place you need to feel safe.

This is what I was trying to say in my epic ramble.

If indeed he is a friend he will take note, if not, ask yourself if you need this trigger in your life.

Not an easy conversation I know, but one I believe you need to have.

Thanks KP, this bit applies to my own situation and gave me some clarity. Slowed the mental whirl a bit. Cheers :)

 

[Kintsugi]

*sigh* Thanks for the continued responses. My fiance had some kind of talk with him and apparently he understands. In a recent episode of wild anger, I subversively confronted him about my abuse. He keeps talking about going on a roadtrip with my SO around the country to kick the a*ses of those who have earned it in their experiences throughout life (this kid isn't a bad guy. I almost went to a Rush concert with him. That means I would have trusted him to protect me. When I came in one night from walking the dog and said that the guys from the building over were all wasted outside and cat-calling me, he was the first to suggest that he and my SO go take care of them. He just has no filter. At all). I wrote down a list. 23 people. I headed them with the ages of my abuse. I handed them to him and said, "There. There's a laundry list for you guys." He looked it over, said, "Are these ages? I don't think I can beat up a four-year-old." I said, "No. That's how old I was." Under "4-6" there were "12 Unknown" listed. I could tell that I shocked him. Finally.

But I've noticed that now because I expect to be triggered while watching media, the tiniest comments put me totally on edge and I need to leave because I am so afraid that it will escalate as per usual that my CNS just starts flipping out. Now I'm really upset because things that wouldn't have bothered me months ago are striking new chords of fear in me. Last night my SO and I were watching BASEketball (a film by the creators of South Park) with his stepfather. It's by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, so of course it is vulgar and over-the-top and very satirical of modern culture. There were cheerleaders barely wearing a few strips of leather with crops. His stepfather said, "See? Why don't we have cheerleaders like that, eh?" and my SO shrugged and nodded his head like, "Yeah, why don't we?" What I heard was, "What you are is something created merely to please us. Do it better."

I know that's not what was said. Normally I wouldn't have gotten so upset. But what with the constant depraved comments of this friend over the past months, it instantly hit me as hurtful and degrading. I have truly thought for most of my life that my purpose on the planet was to please others as well as possible, but mostly men. Why did men do these terrible things to me? Because that is what I was there for, because of what I am. The greatest thing I could ever accomplish in life was to be a hot piece of a*s, and I hated it. I wore clothes that didn't divulge the shape of my body. I may as well have worn burkas.

But... last night... I didn't know what to do. His stepfather knows, at least minimally, my past, and he is a social worker who works at a children's advocacy organization that helps physically and sexually abused children. He was the guy who really pushed me toward meds last year when I was suicidal. Hell, he was the only one knowledgeable enough to really get what I must've been feeling/going through. The only reason I agreed to watch such a vulgar film with him was because he is such a good gentleman who really watches his mouth in the presence of ladies and reprimands the young men of the house when they are inconsiderate and vile. I know it was such a small comment. I am so upset that this whole situation has seemed to spiral. If I confront everyone with this attitude of, "That's really degrading and hurts my sense of identity more than you can imagine," people will start thinking I'm a feminist b*tch. I am scared of feminists! The radicals at my school are constantly putting down girls who want to be wives/mothers/homemakers. I believe in gender fairness, not equality. I believe that certain tasks and roles are generally better suited to one or the other gender. I believe in the nuclear family (hetero or homosexual). I don't want to turn into something that not only the people I surround myself with but I despise.

Thank you for all of your encouragement, support, and indignation.