checking in

[juno]

i'm going to be completely honest, since i've been kind of deflecting the reality of this in a way, but i am doing so. bad. PTSD has been getting worse, anxiety is pretty high despite spending all of my time at home in my room, and i've been spiraling into a depressive episode of sorts (in fact i'm pretty sure i've been in one for the past couple of months but i can't say for sure).

i should be doing my homework right now, all of which is due tomorrow, but i can't concentrate for the life of me and i know i won't be able to until i get this out.

my flashbacks have been bad. thankfully they're not as frequent, but they're quite intense -- to the point where i'll see a glimpse of it and will just break down in tears. just thinking about them has me tearing up. i've also gotten a new flashback for one of the things that happened. i don't know how to describe them. sometimes it's like an image, almost? as if i'm seeing it through a screen, like it's happening outside of me, in a way. other times, i'll see them as if i'm back in that moment, and it's horrible. well anyways, one night i was listening to music trying to fall asleep, and that song came on (that song is a song that i listened to on repeat while i was processing what had happened, and hearing it now has become a trigger), and before i even realized what happened i had started bawling. i had only listened to maybe three seconds of it before i skipped it, and there was just a dead, hollow, emptiness in my chest and nothing else, but then i cried for maybe ten minutes? fifteen minutes? and then just stared blankly at the wall for i guess an hour or so? i can't say for sure. every time i get like that, i completely lose my sense of time (one time i had gotten like that and, as recommendation from my therapist, set a timer to see how long it lasted. i went through it, it felt like an hour, i checked the timer, and it had only been like ten minutes. it's really disorienting).

there's this weight in my chest that i have had since the initial event: so since last january. every time something new happened, it got heavier and more painful. as time passed, it slowly got lighter and the pain eased slightly, but every time i get a flashback or so much as remember what happened, the pain in my chest returns. it's not sharp pain, not like when i get panic attacks (which are happening much less, which is good!), but it's more of a dull ache, and it stings.

there were three major things that happened over the past year that have contributed to my PTSD diagnosis. one of them seems to come up over and over again, since one of my close relatives did it to me (i don't want to call it molestation since he technically didn't grope me, but he did touch me inappropriately while i was sleeping) and, obviously, it needs to be addressed. i don't have flashbacks of this event as much, but when i do, they're panic-inducing. it's much more like it's happening again, whereas the other flashbacks from the other events are more like a distant memory, kind of, and i'm disconnected from myself (though sometimes it does feel like the events are happening again... it's really hard to explain). anyway, when i get flashbacks from this, it's usually when i'm lying in bed, trying to go to sleep. i'll get the flashback and my body will involuntarily jerk, and i'll shoot up from my bed and will start hyperventilating. i think i've been getting this one more because my parents actually brought it up to me at the beginning of my spring break, saying that they're going to be confronting the person that did it. i've been really stressed out about it because that family member and his family and my family are super close; we've known each other practically since birth, and i don't want to tear our relationship apart because of this. i also don't want him to feel bad about it, which i guess is messed up of me (since obviously it was traumatizing to me), and i've been working with my therapist to figure out the psychology behind that (if possible, can someone maybe help me with that? nothing in depth, just maybe suggesting a few things that might possibly be the cause of it? i'm tearing my brain apart trying to figure it out myself haha i really don't get it). but yeah.

also i've been forcing back the urge to.. yanno off myself? ahaha. pas bon. like i said, depressive episode. i haven't felt suicidal in such a long time; it's been a few years, actually. that's kind of good i guess -- the gap, i mean. and it's not like i'm going to actually go through with it, especially after what i've been through. but it's not like i can stop myself from feeling this way regardless. thankfully it's not an intense urge, but it's still there.

i guess the point of this is to say that i don't know how i feel. i can't put a single name on it. i guess "stressed out" is a start, but obviously that doesn't get me very far. but, when i think about it, i realize that i don't actually feel.. much of anything. i don't know if it's a coping mechanism or something (it most likely is, but i can't tell if it's healthy or not, i hope it is since it's kinda working actually), but i feel very numb i guess. very emotionless. i can laugh at stuff, i can smile, i can cry when i get flashbacks, and recently i have been very, very, irritable. but that's over a period of like a couple of months. i can't name how i feel right now. and sometimes the emotions that i do have feel.. forced? i don't know how to put it into words. it's all very confusing and kind of distressing, actually, in a way. remember that dead, hollow, emptiness i was talking about earlier somewhere? it's kind of like that, but like... all the time. but also not as intense. it's like kind of a dull dead hollow emptiness that i don't really notice until i stop talking to people, and the naturally forced emotions just kind of stop on their own (i say "naturally forced emotions" because i've been doing that for years, because of the way i was raised. whenever i felt sad or angry or any negative emotion, i shoved it down deep inside me and ignored it, and now it's become like second nature to me, and now i can easily hide emotions to the point where i have trouble figuring out what emotions i'm faking and what emotions i am truly feeling).

i don't know. i don't know how i feel or what i'm going to do while i wait to see my therapist and while i try to sort through all of this stuff, but what i do know is that i don't have it nearly as bad as other people and that i need to stop being a little bitch HAHA so i'm going to stop complaining now.

thank you so much if you've read up until this point. this is really my only way of "unloading" all of this, since 1) people here are able to relate and are at least familiar with where i'm coming from, 2) i feel much more comfortable sharing this anonymously (there is absolutely no way in hell i'm going to tell anybody in real life about what happened with my family member), and 3) i don't want to overwhelm my friends with all of this, and i don't trust my family anymore. not that i want to overwhelm anyone here, either, it's just. my friends are so unfamiliar with this kind of stuff that i fear that me telling them this would scare them off. hard to explain. but i'm sure at least one person understands where i'm coming from with this.

i'd appreciate someone just briefly telling me what all this could possibly mean, or tips on how to cope other than just emotionally shutting down lmao, or i don't know. anything that anyone thinks is cool or interesting that i should know that might help me deal with all this on my own.

thanks. i hope everyone is staying safe and healthy and having a great day. :)

 

[Ronin]

Hi Juno,

I'm yet to read through your post instead of blank out after a third paragraph focus, but thank you very much for a thorough update and all the wishes of health & safety. :tup:

Glad you are alright and taking care of you.

 

[Wonder Woman]

i'm going to be completely honest, since i've been kind of deflecting the reality of this in a way, but i am doing so. bad. PTSD has been getting worse, anxiety is pretty high despite spending all of my time at home in my room, and i've been spiraling into a depressive episode of sorts (in fact i'm pretty sure i've been in one for the past couple of months but i can't say for sure).

i should be doing my homework right now, all of which is due tomorrow, but i can't concentrate for the life of me and i know i won't be able to until i get this out.

my flashbacks have been bad. thankfully they're not as frequent, but they're quite intense -- to the point where i'll see a glimpse of it and will just break down in tears. just thinking about them has me tearing up. i've also gotten a new flashback for one of the things that happened. i don't know how to describe them. sometimes it's like an image, almost? as if i'm seeing it through a screen, like it's happening outside of me, in a way. other times, i'll see them as if i'm back in that moment, and it's horrible. well anyways, one night i was listening to music trying to fall asleep, and that song came on (that song is a song that i listened to on repeat while i was processing what had happened, and hearing it now has become a trigger), and before i even realized what happened i had started bawling. i had only listened to maybe three seconds of it before i skipped it, and there was just a dead, hollow, emptiness in my chest and nothing else, but then i cried for maybe ten minutes? fifteen minutes? and then just stared blankly at the wall for i guess an hour or so? i can't say for sure. every time i get like that, i completely lose my sense of time (one time i had gotten like that and, as recommendation from my therapist, set a timer to see how long it lasted. i went through it, it felt like an hour, i checked the timer, and it had only been like ten minutes. it's really disorienting).

there's this weight in my chest that i have had since the initial event: so since last january. every time something new happened, it got heavier and more painful. as time passed, it slowly got lighter and the pain eased slightly, but every time i get a flashback or so much as remember what happened, the pain in my chest returns. it's not sharp pain, not like when i get panic attacks (which are happening much less, which is good!), but it's more of a dull ache, and it stings.

there were three major things that happened over the past year that have contributed to my PTSD diagnosis. one of them seems to come up over and over again, since one of my close relatives did it to me (i don't want to call it molestation since he technically didn't grope me, but he did touch me inappropriately while i was sleeping) and, obviously, it needs to be addressed. i don't have flashbacks of this event as much, but when i do, they're panic-inducing. it's much more like it's happening again, whereas the other flashbacks from the other events are more like a distant memory, kind of, and i'm disconnected from myself (though sometimes it does feel like the events are happening again... it's really hard to explain). anyway, when i get flashbacks from this, it's usually when i'm lying in bed, trying to go to sleep. i'll get the flashback and my body will involuntarily jerk, and i'll shoot up from my bed and will start hyperventilating. i think i've been getting this one more because my parents actually brought it up to me at the beginning of my spring break, saying that they're going to be confronting the person that did it. i've been really stressed out about it because that family member and his family and my family are super close; we've known each other practically since birth, and i don't want to tear our relationship apart because of this. i also don't want him to feel bad about it, which i guess is messed up of me (since obviously it was traumatizing to me), and i've been working with my therapist to figure out the psychology behind that (if possible, can someone maybe help me with that? nothing in depth, just maybe suggesting a few things that might possibly be the cause of it? i'm tearing my brain apart trying to figure it out myself haha i really don't get it). but yeah.

also i've been forcing back the urge to.. yanno off myself? ahaha. pas bon. like i said, depressive episode. i haven't felt suicidal in such a long time; it's been a few years, actually. that's kind of good i guess -- the gap, i mean. and it's not like i'm going to actually go through with it, especially after what i've been through. but it's not like i can stop myself from feeling this way regardless. thankfully it's not an intense urge, but it's still there.

i guess the point of this is to say that i don't know how i feel. i can't put a single name on it. i guess "stressed out" is a start, but obviously that doesn't get me very far. but, when i think about it, i realize that i don't actually feel.. much of anything. i don't know if it's a coping mechanism or something (it most likely is, but i can't tell if it's healthy or not, i hope it is since it's kinda working actually), but i feel very numb i guess. very emotionless. i can laugh at stuff, i can smile, i can cry when i get flashbacks, and recently i have been very, very, irritable. but that's over a period of like a couple of months. i can't name how i feel right now. and sometimes the emotions that i do have feel.. forced? i don't know how to put it into words. it's all very confusing and kind of distressing, actually, in a way. remember that dead, hollow, emptiness i was talking about earlier somewhere? it's kind of like that, but like... all the time. but also not as intense. it's like kind of a dull dead hollow emptiness that i don't really notice until i stop talking to people, and the naturally forced emotions just kind of stop on their own (i say "naturally forced emotions" because i've been doing that for years, because of the way i was raised. whenever i felt sad or angry or any negative emotion, i shoved it down deep inside me and ignored it, and now it's become like second nature to me, and now i can easily hide emotions to the point where i have trouble figuring out what emotions i'm faking and what emotions i am truly feeling).

i don't know. i don't know how i feel or what i'm going to do while i wait to see my therapist and while i try to sort through all of this stuff, but what i do know is that i don't have it nearly as bad as other people and that i need to stop being a little bitch HAHA so i'm going to stop complaining now.

thank you so much if you've read up until this point. this is really my only way of "unloading" all of this, since 1) people here are able to relate and are at least familiar with where i'm coming from, 2) i feel much more comfortable sharing this anonymously (there is absolutely no way in hell i'm going to tell anybody in real life about what happened with my family member), and 3) i don't want to overwhelm my friends with all of this, and i don't trust my family anymore. not that i want to overwhelm anyone here, either, it's just. my friends are so unfamiliar with this kind of stuff that i fear that me telling them this would scare them off. hard to explain. but i'm sure at least one person understands where i'm coming from with this.

i'd appreciate someone just briefly telling me what all this could possibly mean, or tips on how to cope other than just emotionally shutting down lmao, or i don't know. anything that anyone thinks is cool or interesting that i should know that might help me deal with all this on my own.

thanks. i hope everyone is staying safe and healthy and having a great day. :)

From everything you are describing, it sounds like you might be overwhelmed. Which is very understandable. You've been through trauma. That is overwhelming.

By the way, saying "only" to describe your abuse is a way to minimize it. Minimizing your trauma will not make it any less real or less traumatic. It will only impede your healing. So, I would suggest eliminate using the word "only" in relation to your trauma.

Flashbacks are terrible, in and of themselves. But its even more difficult when you don't know who to go to for support. I honestly don't think it's healthy, or even possible, to get through this all by yourself. Your therapist sounds like a good support. Are you attending sessions regularly? Is there a way to check-in with your therapist between sessions (email) to get a little prompt in the right direction? Or maybe increase the frequency of your sessions?

Do you currently have some technique that you use to ground yourself, and reorient yourself in the here and now? Numbing-out and disconnecting from yourself leaves you vulnerable to more abuse. So, I would suggest you work on this first.

To ground myself I usually start by observing and feeling my body in its current state. If sitting, noticing my back. Is it, or part of it against the back of the chair. I might decide to focus on my posture, and sit-up straight with by back gently pressed against the back of the chair. I then focus on my feet. How do they feel? If they feel numb, I gently tap them on the floor. Now, if your particular trauma involved your back or your feet, you might want to start with safer parts of your body, or focusing on your breathing... Generally, I don't start with my breathing, because one of the men who raped me required me to calm down, and made me take deep breaths during my assault, between raping me. Everyone is different. That is why, I think working with your therapist as much as possible is a good idea.

You are being smart by not confiding in your family. If something feels unsafe, don't do it. If someone feels unsafe, or confusing, avoid them. If they are someone you might want to continue a relationship with, tell them you need space for a bit, and discuss this with your therapist. Keeping yourself safe is your number one priority!

I hope this helps. I am going through a difficult time right now, too. So, I know how awful it is. Just keep in mind that there are kind people in the world, and healing is possible.

Sending you warm thoughts.?

 

[juno]

Hi Juno,

I'm yet to read through your post instead of blank out after a third paragraph focus, but thank you very much for a thorough update and all the wishes of health & safety. :tup:

Glad you are alright and taking care of you.

hello !

thank you for your response. yeah they're pretty big chunks. when i talk about stuff like this i tend to ramble on and on and on and on... sorry about that haha!

hope you are doing well too :)

From everything you are describing, it sounds like you might be overwhelmed. Which is very understandable. You've been through trauma. That is overwhelming.

By the way, saying "only" to describe your abuse is a way to minimize it. Minimizing your trauma will not make it any less real or less traumatic. It will only impede your healing. So, I would suggest eliminate using the word "only" in relation to your trauma.

Flashbacks are terrible, in and of themselves. But its even more difficult when you don't know who to go to for support. I honestly don't think it's healthy, or even possible, to get through this all by yourself. Your therapist sounds like a good support. Are you attending sessions regularly? Is there a way to check-in with your therapist between sessions (email) to get a little prompt in the right direction? Or maybe increase the frequency of your sessions?

Do you currently have some technique that you use to ground yourself, and reorient yourself in the here and now? Numbing-out and disconnecting from yourself leaves you vulnerable to more abuse. So, I would suggest you work on this first.

To ground myself I usually start by observing and feeling my body in its current state. If sitting, noticing my back. Is it, or part of it against the back of the chair. I might decide to focus on my posture, and sit-up straight with by back gently pressed against the back of the chair. I then focus on my feet. How do they feel? If they feel numb, I gently tap them on the floor. Now, if your particular trauma involved your back or your feet, you might want to start with safer parts of your body, or focusing on your breathing... Generally, I don't start with my breathing, because one of the men who raped me required me to calm down, and made me take deep breaths during my assault, between raping me. Everyone is different. That is why, I think working with your therapist as much as possible is a good idea.

You are being smart by not confiding in your family. If something feels unsafe, don't do it. If someone feels unsafe, or confusing, avoid them. If they are someone you might want to continue a relationship with, tell them you need space for a bit, and discuss this with your therapist. Keeping yourself safe is your number one priority!

I hope this helps. I am going through a difficult time right now, too. So, I know how awful it is. Just keep in mind that there are kind people in the world, and healing is possible.

Sending you warm thoughts.?

that makes a lot of sense, actually. i don't think i've ever actually felt overwhelmed before, and especially not like this, but now that you mention it, it's very likely that you're right.

but it's technically not really abuse, right? because first, a lot of people have had it worse, and also, it wasn't technically molestation, since it wasn't groping, not really. so i feel like i don't really have a right to say he abused me. however, i have noticed that when i talk about my trauma (whether it be when i write in my journal or when speaking to my therapist) i do tend to minimize it very often, which is, actually, now that i think about it, something that my parents did and sort of continue to do, so i'm starting to see why i myself do it. thank you for bringing that up to me! i'm going to start working on doing that less :)

yep. trying to get through this on my own isn't really working. however, i can't see my therapist because of the whole quarantine thing, and as far as i know she isn't doing any online sessions. i've been thinking about asking my parents to allow me to sign up for betterhelp services or something, while i wait for the covid-19 situation to be over. until i work up the courage, i've got access to this forum and that's about it, unfortunately.

i've worked on some grounding techniques, but they don't tend to work very often. i know it's a matter of practice and repetition, but i find that every time i am stuck in those dissociative episodes, i always forget to use the grounding techniques i've learned. the technique you've given me will probably help, though, since it involves more direct contact with my surroundings, and i think that might work better for me. either way, thank you for that suggestion !

i agree with that. my parents and i have always kind of had a rocky relationship, especially since i started trying to confide in them about my depression/suicidal ideation when i was in sixth grade. from sixth grade up until now has been very confusing and scary for me because on one hand they would tell me that i absolutely must confide in them and tell them everything, but on the other, when i would do so, they would minimize it and make me feel stupid or guilty for having those feelings. i would end up protecting myself from that by pushing them away, and i would do so by lashing out. i feel bad about it, because it's happened for so long that i can no longer control my anger/irritability when i talk to them and i can tell they get upset, but i am not willing to risk being put down for how i feel anymore. it's selfish but it's become kind of a self-preservation instinct, in a way (in reality it's not as dramatic as that, but just for a lack of a better term i worded it that way).

it does suck, though; the fact that i can't talk to my parents about how i'm really feeling. but they have enough on their plate to worry about anyway, so maybe it's not so bad when i look at it that way.

i hope you are doing well too. i'm glad to hear i'm not alone in this. sending warm hugs right back!

thank you so much for your help and support !! ?

 

[Wonder Woman]

that makes a lot of sense, actually. i don't think i've ever actually felt overwhelmed before, and especially not like this, but now that you mention it, it's very likely that you're right.

but it's technically not really abuse, right? because first, a lot of people have had it worse, and also, it wasn't technically molestation, since it wasn't groping, not really. so i feel like i don't really have a right to say he abused me. however, i have noticed that when i talk about my trauma (whether it be when i write in my journal or when speaking to my therapist) i do tend to minimize it very often, which is, actually, now that i think about it, something that my parents did and sort of continue to do, so i'm starting to see why i myself do it. thank you for bringing that up to me! i'm going to start working on doing that less :)

yep. trying to get through this on my own isn't really working. however, i can't see my therapist because of the whole quarantine thing, and as far as i know she isn't doing any online sessions. i've been thinking about asking my parents to allow me to sign up for betterhelp services or something, while i wait for the covid-19 situation to be over. until i work up the courage, i've got access to this forum and that's about it, unfortunately.

i've worked on some grounding techniques, but they don't tend to work very often. i know it's a matter of practice and repetition, but i find that every time i am stuck in those dissociative episodes, i always forget to use the grounding techniques i've learned. the technique you've given me will probably help, though, since it involves more direct contact with my surroundings, and i think that might work better for me. either way, thank you for that suggestion !

i agree with that. my parents and i have always kind of had a rocky relationship, especially since i started trying to confide in them about my depression/suicidal ideation when i was in sixth grade. from sixth grade up until now has been very confusing and scary for me because on one hand they would tell me that i absolutely must confide in them and tell them everything, but on the other, when i would do so, they would minimize it and make me feel stupid or guilty for having those feelings. i would end up protecting myself from that by pushing them away, and i would do so by lashing out. i feel bad about it, because it's happened for so long that i can no longer control my anger/irritability when i talk to them and i can tell they get upset, but i am not willing to risk being put down for how i feel anymore. it's selfish but it's become kind of a self-preservation instinct, in a way (in reality it's not as dramatic as that, but just for a lack of a better term i worded it that way).

it does suck, though; the fact that i can't talk to my parents about how i'm really feeling. but they have enough on their plate to worry about anyway, so maybe it's not so bad when i look at it that way.

i hope you are doing well too. i'm glad to hear i'm not alone in this. sending warm hugs right back!

thank you so much for your help and support !! ?

Wow, you are dealing with a lot.

Is there a way to call your therapist? Maybe do sessions on the phone? I don't know you're situation, but my psychologist and I have sessions over the phone. I actually drive to the park, sit in my car, and we have sessions that way.

The other thing, you are most certainly minimizing your abuse. Sounds like your parents taught you to do this. I would advise not confiding in them any further. To do so would only compound your pain. Your parents are being emotionally abusive, by the way. Encouraging you to open-up, and then minimizing your brother's abusive behavior toward you.

There is no such thing as "only" when it comes to trauma and abuse. So it might help if you eliminate that "only" word when you talk about what your brother has done.

Glad I could help with the grounding techniques. Let me know if you want me to give additional ones. Or need more specifics.

I understand being dramatic, and maybe even yelling. If you can just avoid them that is probably best. You have every reason to be angry with them. Try to remember, though, when you yell and lose your cool you are giving them your power. You might want to be greedy with your power, because you need that energy to heal and get yourself in a healthy environment, away from your abusers.

I hope this helps. Please continue to post. I have found this site and the people on it very supportive. I think you will, too. ?

 

[juno]

i suppose so. it's hard to juggle all of these things at the same time, especially since most of them all pretty much happened back to back. i hope i will be able to get past this eventually. knowing that others understand this feeling is comforting, which helps. :)

yes! i have my therapist's phone number, so i can text her. that's a good idea. i should start practicing driving more so i can do something along those lines.

yeah that sounds about right. i haven't been confiding in them for a while now, which seems to help. they tend to kind of wish away my mental health issues anyway; pretend that they don't exist. i think it's their own way of coping with it, since of course it must be a blow to know that your child is suffering from mental disorders. i dislike how i have to take the brunt of it, though. it hindered my healing for years, and to an extent, still does.

really? emotional abuse? i never thought of it that way. this might be a stupid question, as you've quite literally spelled it out for me right here (sorry haha), but i can't really wrap my head around it. what about their behavior is abusive? i get the whole thing about telling me to be upfront and honest with them about how i feel and then shutting me down, but i don't get how it's abusive. i know it's wrong, but not much more than that. and i always thought it was normal for parents to expect you to learn to deal with your emotions on your own that way.. i mean to do otherwise would encourage codependency right? i thought. is it messed up that i think this way?

ah, my cousin, actually. my first cousin. thank god it wasn't my brother, but i've always considered my first cousin as my brother from another mother, so in a weird way, yeah kinda. i've known him and his sisters since we were little kids. it's a tough situation.

my parents thankfully haven't minimized that trauma (the one with my cousin), though admittedly i was terrified to tell them at first because of a fear that they would. i'm sorry, i didn't make that clear. what they did minimize, however, was my depression, my suicidal ideation, my self-harming, my GAD, and my PTSD to a certain extent. once i stopped talking to them about it completely, it started getting better. but they sometimes insist that i was getting better despite me saying that i wasn't, and try to pretend that my disorders either 1) weren't real to begin with, or 2) would just disappear overnight. so i guess even after not talking to them about it, they continue to do damage.

i can see how that would help. you're right; i think validating myself and what i've gone through is probably the first thing i should have done, in hindsight. all i do now is twist it around in my brain, trying to figure out where i went wrong/what really happened/am i sure i'm not just making it up?/did it really happen that way or am i playing the victim?/why i didn't do something about it earlier?/etc. etc. does that make sense? i don't really know. in any case, once i learn to stop doing that i think i will start healing again. thank you :)

yes please! honestly at this point, anything will be a huge help. i've gotten kind of desperate.

thank you so so much. this really helped me a lot!

also p.s. i'm so sorry that my replies are always so long!! ? i really appreciate you responding to everything though. ?

 

[Wonder Woman]

i suppose so. it's hard to juggle all of these things at the same time, especially since most of them all pretty much happened back to back. i hope i will be able to get past this eventually. knowing that others understand this feeling is comforting, which helps. :)

yes! i have my therapist's phone number, so i can text her. that's a good idea. i should start practicing driving more so i can do something along those lines.

yeah that sounds about right. i haven't been confiding in them for a while now, which seems to help. they tend to kind of wish away my mental health issues anyway; pretend that they don't exist. i think it's their own way of coping with it, since of course it must be a blow to know that your child is suffering from mental disorders. i dislike how i have to take the brunt of it, though. it hindered my healing for years, and to an extent, still does.

really? emotional abuse? i never thought of it that way. this might be a stupid question, as you've quite literally spelled it out for me right here (sorry haha), but i can't really wrap my head around it. what about their behavior is abusive? i get the whole thing about telling me to be upfront and honest with them about how i feel and then shutting me down, but i don't get how it's abusive. i know it's wrong, but not much more than that. and i always thought it was normal for parents to expect you to learn to deal with your emotions on your own that way.. i mean to do otherwise would encourage codependency right? i thought. is it messed up that i think this way?

ah, my cousin, actually. my first cousin. thank god it wasn't my brother, but i've always considered my first cousin as my brother from another mother, so in a weird way, yeah kinda. i've known him and his sisters since we were little kids. it's a tough situation.

my parents thankfully haven't minimized that trauma (the one with my cousin), though admittedly i was terrified to tell them at first because of a fear that they would. i'm sorry, i didn't make that clear. what they did minimize, however, was my depression, my suicidal ideation, my self-harming, my GAD, and my PTSD to a certain extent. once i stopped talking to them about it completely, it started getting better. but they sometimes insist that i was getting better despite me saying that i wasn't, and try to pretend that my disorders either 1) weren't real to begin with, or 2) would just disappear overnight. so i guess even after not talking to them about it, they continue to do damage.

i can see how that would help. you're right; i think validating myself and what i've gone through is probably the first thing i should have done, in hindsight. all i do now is twist it around in my brain, trying to figure out where i went wrong/what really happened/am i sure i'm not just making it up?/did it really happen that way or am i playing the victim?/why i didn't do something about it earlier?/etc. etc. does that make sense? i don't really know. in any case, once i learn to stop doing that i think i will start healing again. thank you :)

yes please! honestly at this point, anything will be a huge help. i've gotten kind of desperate.

thank you so so much. this really helped me a lot!

also p.s. i'm so sorry that my replies are always so long!! ? i really appreciate you responding to everything though. ?

Don't worry about the length you have so much to process, and it seems like maybe you haven't had much of a chance to get everything out in the open to look at it.

It might help you to look-up some information about healthy families. Then search for information about emotionally abusive and emotionally neglectful parents. This might help you sort things.

Healthy parents acknowledge and validate their children's feelings. Additionally, healthy parent soothe the hurting little ones. Thus, healthy parents teach their children how to soothe themselves in healthy ways.

You are not playing victim. You were an actual victim. Your cousin abused you.

You aren’t a victim any more. You are someone who is healing and hurting, and in need of nurturing and support.

I hope this helps you.

Sorry, I said your brother, I'm working with a lack of sleep. So sometimes a get a little messed-up.

 

[juno]

Don't worry about the length you have so much to process, and it seems like maybe you haven't had much of a chance to get everything out in the open to look at it.

It might help you to look-up some information about healthy families. Then search for information about emotionally abusive and emotionally neglectful parents. This might help you sort things.

Healthy parents acknowledge and validate their children's feelings. Additionally, healthy parent soothe the hurting little ones. Thus, healthy parents teach their children how to soothe themselves in healthy ways.

If you were my child, and I learned that my son had abused you. My son would not be living under the same roof as you. I'd send him to an in-patient place to get the help he needs, or send him to a relative's house where no children live and get him therapy. For you, I would keep you living at home, and get you paired with the best trauma informed/experienced professional I could find. I'd also support you myself, giving you room to talk about whatever you needed to. I most certainly wouldn't minimize your experience. That's just where I would start.

You are not playing victim. You were an actual victim. First, your cousin abused you, then your brother. Then your parents minimized and denied your need for help, by proclaiming that you were getting better. They igored your needs, in order to satisfy there desire that everything go back to the way it had been. But the way it had been was not healthy.

You aren’t a victim any more. You are someone who is healing and hurting, and in need of nurturing and support.

I hope this helps you.

that's true. i keep a lot of this tightly locked inside me and try as much as possible to avoid thinking about it or dealing with it. probably not a good thing.

that's a good idea; i'm going to spend some time doing that today. hopefully i'll be able to identify with having more healthy parents, but from the looks of things maybe not ? it's okay though. i'm learning from this and that's what matters.

ah, self-soothing in healthy ways. i had half of it at least. but now that i think about it, encouraging healthy behavior at a young age is probably much better than encouraging independent but unhealthy behavior at a young age... i don't know why that skipped my mind. it's so obvious to me now.

my cousin is dealing with some things, i've heard, but i also know that his family is far from supportive. i know he is on antidepressants or something like that but never got the details, which i guess is probably one of the reasons why i am so hesitant to spring this on him; because i know he is dealing with a lot of his own personal issues that haven't been addressed properly yet either, and i'm terrified that this issue will be the last straw or something.

thank you so much for this!! i really appreciate it. this has opened my eyes and i've learned so many things about myself, my family, and how to cope. this has probably been the most support i've received in a long time (excluding my therapist). thank you so so much again.

 

[Wonder Woman]

that's true. i keep a lot of this tightly locked inside me and try as much as possible to avoid thinking about it or dealing with it. probably not a good thing.

that's a good idea; i'm going to spend some time doing that today. hopefully i'll be able to identify with having more healthy parents, but from the looks of things maybe not ? it's okay though. i'm learning from this and that's what matters.

ah, self-soothing in healthy ways. i had half of it at least. but now that i think about it, encouraging healthy behavior at a young age is probably much better than encouraging independent but unhealthy behavior at a young age... i don't know why that skipped my mind. it's so obvious to me now.

my cousin is dealing with some things, i've heard, but i also know that his family is far from supportive. i know he is on antidepressants or something like that but never got the details, which i guess is probably one of the reasons why i am so hesitant to spring this on him; because i know he is dealing with a lot of his own personal issues that haven't been addressed properly yet either, and i'm terrified that this issue will be the last straw or something.

thank you so much for this!! i really appreciate it. this has opened my eyes and i've learned so many things about myself, my family, and how to cope. this has probably been the most support i've received in a long time (excluding my therapist). thank you so so much again.

Hi, juno. I edited my earlier reply, my lack of sleep is messing up my ability to keep stuff straight. I was confusing your situation with someone else's, and combing your experience with theirs. That is why I wrote "brother." Sorry for my mistake.

 

[juno]

no need to apologize. it's perfectly understandable. have a great day :) !

 

[Wonder Woman]

no need to apologize. it's perfectly understandable. have a great day :) !

Wishing you a great day, as well. ☺

 

[Muttly]

@Wonder Woman has given great advice. I definitely agree that you are minimizing your abuse, experiences and feelings. I understand that well. When you've been taught to do that by caretakers, it feels safe. But it blocks the road to healing. So does comparing. It doesn't matter if others have it worse or better. It's about you and what you feel and think.

I may have missed this but have you reached out to your therapist to see if there are any options for right now? I know you said you don't think she's doing anything, but do you actually know what options you have?