Hi everyone. This feels a bit silly. I have ptsd diagnosed through a women's shelter I sought services in last year after I had a pretty severe mental breakdown. I was also codiagnosed with generalized anxiety and severe depression, although they seem one in the same at times. I am an adopted child of two career criminals that most likely have lived with undiagnosed mental disorders. My adoptive parents (my aunt and uncle) were both abusive. My father more so physically. I was beaten regularly and spent most of my child hold dodging items thrown at my head and face. Imagine my reflexes! Haha... When I was 9 years old I ran away from home and was found and brutally raped by a stranger. I am lucky to be alive today. When I was 18 I met my ex husband and began a 4 year long relationship with an abusive malignant narcissist. He was all I knew and I had no idea what love was. At 21 I had my daughter and decided to leave my ex husband. I filed for divorce and fled my home. It's been three years since I have cut ties with my past and the nightmares, flashbacks, mood swings, intense depression and myriad of other issues never left me. It was only until I lost custody of my daughter after being unable to pay my lawyer did everything come to a head. I attempted suicide and found myself at the doorstep of a woman's shelter. I was lucky enough to meet a therapist there that helped me survive the last year. Unfortunately... She moved on and I have spiraled again. I am trying to live as a mother that happens to have ptsd. I am trying to find sunshine in a planet that seems cold and dark and cruel. I have no family to talk to and the friends I do have do not understand my ptsd. I have a girlfriend that means well but she cannot possibly fathom the darkness and pain inside myself.
I feel so alone most days I imagine standing in a field somewhere and just screaming until my throat turns raw. I want to be able to stand up and feel the joy and happiness that I see in others. I just don't know how to get there.
I feel so alone most days I imagine standing in a field somewhere and just screaming until my throat turns raw. I want to be able to stand up and feel the joy and happiness that I see in others. I just don't know how to get there.
