Sufferer Childhood Abuse

[digger]

I am still forced to see my father and my stepmother who abused me

Who is making you see them Minty? Who are you living with at the moment? Are there people who are aware of what has happened to you?

You should not have to continue seeing them and at fifteen, even if people aren't aware of the abuse, your feelings should be taken into consideration with regard to this.

I am starting on antidepressants (which since the warning they carry about suicide I'm nervous about starting).

That is understandable and something which you really need to discuss with your prescribing doctor as monitoring of symptoms will be important, especially in the early stages of treatment and again I am worried about what support you have?

 

[Minty]

The Physical Abuse happened 2 years ago, my father has a sudden interest in guns and I'm scared he is going to kill me or my mom, My therapist told me it's unlikely anything will happen again. I'm very scared. I'm still emotionally abused. I don't know what to do. I want to cry but the tears won't come. I'm sad and scared :'(

 

[Minty]

I am being made to see my father and stepmother by a court order. The courts knew about the abuse and didn't care :'(

 

[digger]

as I said I've also become suicidal

Have you told anyone about this? Please consider calling a helpline when you feel this way. Which country are you in?

I am being made to see my father and stepmother by a court order

I'm really sorry about that. Is anyone else present during contact?

Does your mom know how badly you are feeling about things?

 

[Minty]

My mom knows everything except about my suicidal thoughts, no one else is there during contact and I have to see them every Thursday through Monday. I don't want to upset her any more than she is, she was really upset to know I've been depressed and suffering from PTSD. I don't want to upset my mom any more. I've come up with 3 different plans which all of them I have the means to carry out. I am really sad and lonely and I wish I had somebody to cuddle me. I feel too emotionally disconnected from everyone :'(

 

[digger]

I don't want to upset my mom any more

I understand that, but do you not think she'd prefer to know? I don't want to be brutal, but which do you think she'd be more upset over, knowing you feel suicidal, or finding that you've acted on it? I know I don't know your mom or what your relationship with her is like, but I have a fifteen year old and I know I'd want to know.

I am worried that you have plans and I really think you need to talk this out with someone. Would you consider calling a helpline?

 

[Minty]

I might call one if they get to much more intense. I've had the plan to either A- Overdose on Insulin (like a whole bottle) (I'm a type one diabetic, I have access to lots of Insulin), B- Shoot myself while my father and stepmother is away with my father's gun, or C- as a last resort stab myself with a knife. I know suicide ideation is OK on this site. I'm sorry if this post is a little triggering to anyone who sees this. I wish I could connect to others, I feel so alone. :( I await your response. I feel like bawling just writing this except the tears won't come :'(

 

[digger]

I feel for you Minty, I really do, and I wish I there was something I could say to make it better for you.

the tears won't come

I can see this is really bothering you. It is a horrible feeling to have to know that you really want to be able to release some of this stuff but can't. I don't have any tips though I'm afraid. I don't cry either.

Have you thought maybe of trying to come up with some other ways to release some of what you're feeling? Hitting a pillow? Writing some of the stuff that happened and is happening down? Some kind of creative outlet maybe? Or doing something physical - running or walking.

 

[Minty]

I have written stuff down, support sites are the reason I'm not dead. I really hate it when people say do something physical. Do you have any idea how badly it hurts to walk/run. It hurts really badly :'((

 

[digger]

I'm sorry, no, I don't know how much that hurts for you. I do know what it's like to live with chronic pain though and that physical stuff isn't practical for everyone. I only mentioned it because I know it helps some people and was trying to think of options for you.

Have you been able to discuss your suicidal thoughts with your therapist? Do you feel more in touch with your emotions when you are actually talking to him/her?

 

[Minty]

I'm worried that if I tell my therapist that he'll refer me to a hospital. I'm really sad and lonely. I don't feel in touch with my emotions. Even when I'm talking to him :'(

The worst part about all of this is my friends think I'm fine but have no idea how badly I'm hurting :'(

 

[digger]

I understand your fears about hospital. I'm just really concerned that no one close to you really knows the extent of how you're feeling.

It is really horrible to feel so out of touch and distant from people and from your emotions when at the same time you are so full of hurt and needing contact. I know how that feels.

How long have you been seeing your therapist?