Childhood Bonding

[dougyhowzer]

Hi. So recently my girlfriend and I did a survey that her counsellor suggested. It was called the 5 love languages .

So I learned that physical touching, quality time , and words of affirmation were my top 3.

So I been thinking about these three needs and why I am so desperate and dire to fulfill them for the last 15 years .

I discovered that it was my old parents who were supposed to fulfill these needs during my childhood .

Never have I realized that these 3 needs are so crucial to meeting the need that hadn't been met for 30+ years which is love .

I have to admit that the need to be loved has been chronic .

But I honestly don't know where that does start .

Furthermore , I can see why I want nothing ; absolutely nothing to do with my old family because they couldidn't even provide that .

 

[J_trustno1]

Yup, you're very right. I didn't know this until I started becoming suicidal, having attachment-detachment issues, trust issues and most importantly always seeking approval from someone where I was never going to get any.

Our families are 101% culprit to turning us into broken adults. I wish I could wipe out everyone's childhood needs so no one ever asked these questions.

 

[dougyhowzer]

I wish I could do the same thing trustno1 . Unfortunately , I learned the hardway and have come to the conclusion that I will probably never see them reach out and repair the damage they have done as a result of them not leaving me .

Instead I will only be reminded of hurt they caused me.

 

[J_trustno1]

Same here. I have cut ties with 90% of the family and that includes my father and relatives. I also don't trust my mother because she couldn't save me from all the abuse despite knowing everything. I don't want to be around these people and once I get a permanent job, I am leaving my mother and brother too and that too forever.

I mean we can't keep sticking to people who can't give but always taking everything away from us. Enough of that.

 

[Eagle3]

Yep, those are my top love languages too, and I don't get those needs filled by ANYONE right now. Well, possibly one person, but don't know how long that will last. What sucks is knowing this stuff, and still not being able to get the needs filled. I think all potential close friends should take these tests and read things that talk about relationships, just because. A little information can go a long way towards making things pleasant instead of a chore, but I know no one wants to actually do the research and think about someone other than themselves for a change (myself included)....

 

[lmizutani]

I agree, Eagle3. I however do not think that doing such research is a chore for someone who really cares about the other person and wants to make the relationship better. It does help to know what the other person's love language is so that our actions will convey the message to him/her that "yes, I am loved." Although we often fail in our attempts (I will admit that I do fail in communicating love so that it will be received as such), at least we are slowly making progress.

We will not have all our top love language needs satisfied all the time - even though dougyhowzer and I (I'm the girlfriend) have similar results, the physical touch one is a challenge for me as my own upbringing had very little of that. I don't recall us even hugging each other (except possibly as very young children) until 2003 when we said bye to my brother when he went off to Ireland - and I was already in my late thirties by then.

Something my counsellor mentioned in my last session reminded me of an illustration a pastor/marriage counsellor mentioned in a sermon a couple of years ago. We all have "love jugs" that start off filled with "love" to share. So as we pour out "love" into "glasses" (other people), the amount that is in the tank decreases. If it does not replenish (it cannot replenish itself, someone had to "refill" the jug) pretty soon there would be nothing left. And we all know what the end result of that is. If the refill is toxic, well everything gets contaminated.

I don't know how much help that is, but there's my two cents anyway.

 

[shell]

@dougyhowzer, I read the book as did my husband on my therapist's recommendation. I was gifts and acts of service and my husband equally, was time and acts of service. It helped me understand and also helped my husband understand, why I acted like I did when I flipped out when he bought me nothing for my 50th birthday recently.

I grew up in an atmosphere of violence and threat and the only day my mother was kind was on birthdays and Christmas, and as result they were very special days to me, because it was the one day when I felt loved and not as threatened Where as to my husband, they have no significance.

It has made a big difference to how we relate to each other, and where as words meant nothing to me, in order for me to receive his feelings I needed it to be demonstrated in a physical way through action ( not touch), words have always felt very empty to me. We all think differently, and it really has changed the way we communicate and meet each others needs.

I had to take responsibility for my own actions, it made me realize how little I give people time, to stop what I am doing and really listen, and to allow others to feel heard and accepted. I grew up not understanding that it is caring to listen to other people, but because I never felt safe I was too busy shutting everyone out, and my own parents never listened to me, because they were too busy verbally and physically abusing me. It has been life changing for me, small changes, but they are starting to make a real impact in my marriage, which two months ago I was sure the only option was divorce.

 

[desiderata310]

interesting.
I am action person, followed by affirmation.
Not surprisingly touch was last on the list.

 

[Chava]

Interesting. I don't want to take the online test, but I can say I don't relate to most of this and often feel sad because I don't think I can "fix" this about myself. I'm just a hermit. Acts of service seem realistic in my life. And gifts. People did some nice things for me, showed up to some special events, provided for material needs. I feel like I'm a hard worked and can do this for others, but it sort of just makes me a good committee member. :depressed: