Christmas

[futurefocussed]

My dad invited me to Christmas lunch.
He said he would pick me up and drop me home.
He would drive an extra 2 hours to have me there on Christmas day.
And I want to say no.
I mean what is wrong with me?
He wants me there!
Or does he.
Is it another bargaining chip?
Is it the honeymoon period in his typical abuse cycle?
Is it because he feels guilty? That I'm just another 'job' that he can tick off list?
Or is it real?

And then I think about my brothers.
The one who is a recovering alcoholic, also getting married next year.
The other who shuts himself in and drinks too much coffee or red bull. Who is moving across the country next year.
How they can handle extended periods of time with him.
And I can't.
I can't handle more than 5 hours a flipping fortnight!
I can't do it!
Because i care too much!
And he doesn't yell anymore like he used to.
Instead he creates jokes and everybody laughs rather than risking then becoming the target.

That the thoughts "I'm too weak" "I can't handle it" "I should be able to handle it, but i can't because I'm too weak"

That seeing my family 3 times in one week is too much for me. What the flipping hell is wrong with me that I can only last 5 hours a fortnight.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Do what you need to do and not what others want you to do.

 

[futurefocussed]

Do what you need to do and not what others want you to do.

I feel like I shouldn't need to.

 

[One step at a time]

It is not weak to take care of yourself. It is strong.

You can't "should" yourself out of needing things. *onestep says, totally ignoring the hours/years she has spent trying to do just that*

 

[futurefocussed]

You can't "should" yourself out of needing things.

To be honest, I need my real family, the family that love and support me despite all that had made me who I am, that that I need my church, because there's no strings attached and I love them.

 

[saraemerald]

Maybe you can talk to him about it before deciding and use your intuition to see what his intentions are and if you feel uncomfortable or not with it.
Has he ever apologized for his behavior? Is he aware of how his behavior has affected you and impacted your life?
Whatever you choose, hugs.

 

[futurefocussed]

Has he ever apologized for his behavior? Is he aware of how his behavior has affected you and impacted your life?

No he hasn't ever apologised and he is not aware of how his behaviour affects me, it wouldn't end well if I was to say something either, I've tried...

 

[futurefocussed]

I feel like I need to do a pros and cons list...

+ Dad driving 2 hours just to have me there
+ Spending time at the beach
+ Beautiful photography
- potentially 15 hours with my family that week
- lack of time to recover between the 3 sets of 5 hours
- if Sunday were to go bad I wouldn't be able to handle Monday due to the lack of time between
- 5 hours is hard enough
- not having an easy escape route on Sunday
- added stress of dad inevitably running late
- dad not understanding how hard it is to actually spend time with them
- bearing my parents problems
+ Not having to explain my change of mind to my dad
- having to listen to my dad's problems with my mum
- potential of alcohol

 

[LadyZane]

I dreaded Christmas my entire life for these reasons. My mother lives a couple hours away, and I'd always have to drive in on Christmas Eve and spend the night. My younger brother was in high school, then college, so he was living there too. She'd always act like it was going to be this warm fuzzy family time, then of course she'd start in on me within minutes. Then on Christmas Day, it would be hours and hours of excruciating smalltalk and feeling trapped with my extended step-family, who are very polite people but aren't exactly what you'd call warm and welcoming. Very formal, very boring. I once took a flask of whiskey to nip in secret just to see if it helped me get through it. It did help, but I recognized I couldn't just be plastered every year, haha. Then about five years ago I made the decision to cut my toxic mother out of my life. I was in my early 30s at this point. It meant I was not going to be present for family get-togethers if she would be there, and it was kind of a pain in the ass for my other family members. Most of them didn't understand my decision and my brother was actively crappy and critical of me because of it. But I knew I didn't care -- I was doing what was best for me, and boy were the improvements in my life huge and noticeable. The tradeoff for having what I wanted for myself was taking the criticism and fallout, and I just had to commit to dealing with it. Not fun, but it's my life, you know?

The last couple years my very nice, polite step-grandma had been getting up there in age and in order to make her life easier I started coming to the family functions where my mom would be there. Although her irritating personality still irritates the crap out of me, I don't struggle with the relationship anymore. I don't care what she says, I don't care what she thinks, and I've made it clear that she is not welcome in my life. I just smile and nod and everyone knows I'm faking it but I think they're grateful to not have to acknowledge the whole sticky situation, because that's just how they are.

However, I do not go to Christmas. When they invite me, I say "Thanks, we're going to stay in the city this year." (It helps that we live in a major metropolis and, like many city dwellers, don't have a car. We have to go through a bit of a rigamarole to get one to get out to visit, and they know that.) Then I spend my Christmases however I want to spend them -- binge-watching TV or hanging out in one of the many immigrant neighborhoods where people aren't from Christian countries and Christmas doesn't exist.

Is putting your foot down about Christmas worth it? Do you feel like you can commit to dealing with the crap you might get for it in order to spare yourself an ordeal you truly don't like?

 

[Virtues]

- not having an easy escape route on Sunday

I think this is the most uncomfortable con that I have about the whole situation. Granted this is your Christmas and your pro/con list and no one can weigh this out except for you, but this makes me more uneasy for you than anything else. I don't like the idea of your father picking you up and dropping you off and I don't like the idea of it being 2 hours out of the way. If things start to take a turn for the worse you don't have an egress plan and that is not a good thing. Please, please, please think about this before proceeding with your plans this holiday season and just do me a favor BE SAFE!!!

 

[leelee]

Looks like you have more - than +. If you do decide to embark on this journy, can you take Monday and/or Tuesday off to kinda get grounded and a little back to yourself time? Its a hard decision. I have been family free for a few years, Its a goodthing for me to do. It helps alot.Some people never change, they just change the people around them. Good Luck.

 

[futurefocussed]

I think this is the most uncomfortable con that I have about the whole situation. Granted this is your Christmas and your pro/con list and no one can weigh this out except for you, but this makes me more uneasy for you than anything else. I don't like the idea of your father picking you up and dropping you off and I don't like the idea of it being 2 hours out of the way. If things start to take a turn for the worse you don't have an egress plan and that is not a good thing. Please, please, please think about this before proceeding with your plans this holiday season and just do me a favor BE SAFE!!!

This is me thinking about it and questioning my previous decision.