Chronic Suicidal Ideation-from Parts

[Punky143]

Entire life pretty much been told to get rid of "us". Even when things seemed ok it was always there. If I remember I've been hospitalized for it but back then "we" didn't know not everyone has inside people. We were diagnosed major depression, anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder and ptsd earlier on. 6 months ago and10 years later in mental health we were diagnosed with DID and its been hell. My life is crumbling down fast. We're losing everything down to the marriage and being an available parent. I see my T 2x a week and for the last few sessions the parts have come out reluctantly leaving to a loss of time and although grounding is attempted we are ashamed, scared, confused and even more lonely. My t knows and is accommodating and kind and we are working on reasurring that my T isn't going anywhere which abandonment is huge with us, and establishing that her office is safe for other parts to come out. I have dual awareness at times but lately thats not there and I'm realizing we're always switching and the amount of time and energy spent trying to blend while keeping up with life's demands is failing.
We're giving up on hope and giving into the mean parts to make this all stop. I need this to stop now. We are isolated to protect and can't imagine living like this any longer. If only we had someone to notice, to trust fully, to know there is good

 

[Ronin]

Don't get rid of yourselves.

You as a whole, functioning as that whole? Are a reason you whole are alive, & are beautiful beings, each and everyone of you, and you as a whole, so that's double awesome.

So, what restores you, individually and collectively?
& What helps you stay in touch with each other and with the root of who you are?

 

[Punky143]

I don't know at this time. Isolation. That's whats working to find relief from the world. I'm not certain its working for the actual people around me. I have no idea who "I" am or who I ever was. Its heartbreaking

 

[Ronin]

I have no idea who "I" am or who I ever was. Its heartbreaking

Relating.

Did this happen ever before?

& Do you have an idea who you want to be now?
In the absence of the past? You can make the future in an entirely new direction.

 

[Punky143]

There is no future. We live minute by minute in survival mode. And our world just got flipped upside down. My only coworker, but more of a treasured friendship, the only felt friendship in our life. Told us she's done. 2 weeks. And now, literally there is no one. And every feeling of abandoment and pure sadness has just taken over and I can't control it.

 

[Ronin]

And every feeling of abandoment and pure sadness has just taken over and I can't control it.

But you've gotten through previous abandonment and feeling sad and hurt, as you're here now.

So what did you do, or not do, for yourself, that helped you get through?

 

[OneToughCookie]

I can truly imagine how frightening, confusing, and saddening this must be for you, as well as how isolated and despairing you must feel. I have coped with long-term suicidal ideation as have recently started to see the good in the world and am enthusiastic about the possibilities of treatment. I would like to help you through this time. Can you tell me more detail about what your wishes to have someone to notice, to trust fully, and to know there is good mean?