I have chronic PTSD. I'm also (unluckily) not able to take SSRI meds, and tri-cyclics work to dampen the anxiety, but lower my cognitive ability.
I've been fine for 10 years following a couple of years of extreme therapy sessions (with the trying of all medications possible then). I've actually been happy and a productive member of society and my workplace. I'm married with a young child now, and I've been working in the same place for 10 years. Prior to that, I'd worked mainly night shift or evening shift or in very secluded sorts of jobs.
I've been in an office in this job for 10 years. And now they want to move me to a cubicle in a big shared bullpen with 6 seats. And the cube setup is done so that there are low walls between each one and you sit facing a corner with your back to the opening and the center of the room.
I began showing signs of the panic problems and dissociative issues when they began hinting at moving us several months ago. (New manager in charge who likes cubicle environments) Last month when it became a reality and they told me, I cracked wide open with a full emotional flashback. Since then, I've desperately been trying to find the records (believe it or not, I've completely forgotten my therapist's name, my psychiatrist's name, the agency they worked through, and I'm having trouble tracking it through my old insurance that I no longer have. I have this really bad tendency to forget anything that was stressful or unpleasant.).
I've also started seeing more doctors than I've seen in 10 years combined. They've got me on lamotrigine, and jury is out on whether it will work or not, but it is heartening that this time I'm not having the really bad side effects that SSRIs hand me.
Work is really getting intolerable all of a sudden --I've completely lost my ability to think on my feet and it's desperately needed, and I cry daily for hours. And I'm now hiding from my peers.
I'm usually a good employee. I've had decent work marks for 10 years (excellent ones last year), but the director is not willing to work with me other than offering slightly higher walls (perhaps one extra panel if it can be fitted, but they can't see how I could sit facing the room) and a set of noise-canceling headphones.
I've been offered 3 choices. Take the deal on the table for an extra panel (maybe) and noise-canceling headphones. Fight it through HR asking for a reasonable accommodation of an office with a door (the director basically told me that my PTSD will be outed if I do that, that the timeframe for a decision is very long and will probably not be done before I'm in the cube, and that most of these cases terminate without the claimant getting satisfaction). Or apply for full disability and leave the workplace entirely.
I am practically catatonic with fear and grief over this. I was having a better day today so I thought maybe we'd reached enough time for the lamotrigine to take effect, but the director's diagrams of the room with the very obvious problem that I'll be sitting with my back to a room full of people (there are 6 desks in that room), well, it set me off again. (She kept telling me 'Don't cry about this.' and I kept saying 'Can't help it.' in a whisper.)
I'm taking the deal on the table. I'm going to try to make it work. But I didn't make it 90 days in a previous job in a cubicle. The movement, the noise, the constant fear, the disrupted cognition. Dear god, I can't be out of work right now.
I work for the State at a University. I don't talk to my coworkers about my PTSD. Ever. They don't know about it. They know I was in the military at one point. They know I was a linguist for sandy places. But they don't know my childhood background of schizophrenic parent with psychotic tendencies. Or the really bad first marriage. There was a lot of damage and I THOUGHT it was finally dealt with and that I was in the clear. Till this.
I don't know what I'm asking here. Advice, I think. How have you coped with cubicles? I have got to calm down so I can start thinking my way out of the box, but I can't. I'm having recurring ...beliefs? that if I'm in a full chador complete with face mask, maybe it will help. (Obviously, what I really want is to be invisible, unseen, and unwatched.) Also recurring visions of my coworkers leaping over desks to attack me (that's pure fantasy --they are nice people though a couple are prickly and not tolerant of any failure). The coworkers don't know about the PTSD, but I think it's about to become public anyway. The new manager isn't very discrete, and now he knows. Management thinks it's just something that I can 'get over' or 'get used to'. Perhaps, but the track record isn't showing that.
I've been fine for 10 years following a couple of years of extreme therapy sessions (with the trying of all medications possible then). I've actually been happy and a productive member of society and my workplace. I'm married with a young child now, and I've been working in the same place for 10 years. Prior to that, I'd worked mainly night shift or evening shift or in very secluded sorts of jobs.
I've been in an office in this job for 10 years. And now they want to move me to a cubicle in a big shared bullpen with 6 seats. And the cube setup is done so that there are low walls between each one and you sit facing a corner with your back to the opening and the center of the room.
I began showing signs of the panic problems and dissociative issues when they began hinting at moving us several months ago. (New manager in charge who likes cubicle environments) Last month when it became a reality and they told me, I cracked wide open with a full emotional flashback. Since then, I've desperately been trying to find the records (believe it or not, I've completely forgotten my therapist's name, my psychiatrist's name, the agency they worked through, and I'm having trouble tracking it through my old insurance that I no longer have. I have this really bad tendency to forget anything that was stressful or unpleasant.).
I've also started seeing more doctors than I've seen in 10 years combined. They've got me on lamotrigine, and jury is out on whether it will work or not, but it is heartening that this time I'm not having the really bad side effects that SSRIs hand me.
Work is really getting intolerable all of a sudden --I've completely lost my ability to think on my feet and it's desperately needed, and I cry daily for hours. And I'm now hiding from my peers.
I'm usually a good employee. I've had decent work marks for 10 years (excellent ones last year), but the director is not willing to work with me other than offering slightly higher walls (perhaps one extra panel if it can be fitted, but they can't see how I could sit facing the room) and a set of noise-canceling headphones.
I've been offered 3 choices. Take the deal on the table for an extra panel (maybe) and noise-canceling headphones. Fight it through HR asking for a reasonable accommodation of an office with a door (the director basically told me that my PTSD will be outed if I do that, that the timeframe for a decision is very long and will probably not be done before I'm in the cube, and that most of these cases terminate without the claimant getting satisfaction). Or apply for full disability and leave the workplace entirely.
I am practically catatonic with fear and grief over this. I was having a better day today so I thought maybe we'd reached enough time for the lamotrigine to take effect, but the director's diagrams of the room with the very obvious problem that I'll be sitting with my back to a room full of people (there are 6 desks in that room), well, it set me off again. (She kept telling me 'Don't cry about this.' and I kept saying 'Can't help it.' in a whisper.)
I'm taking the deal on the table. I'm going to try to make it work. But I didn't make it 90 days in a previous job in a cubicle. The movement, the noise, the constant fear, the disrupted cognition. Dear god, I can't be out of work right now.
I work for the State at a University. I don't talk to my coworkers about my PTSD. Ever. They don't know about it. They know I was in the military at one point. They know I was a linguist for sandy places. But they don't know my childhood background of schizophrenic parent with psychotic tendencies. Or the really bad first marriage. There was a lot of damage and I THOUGHT it was finally dealt with and that I was in the clear. Till this.
I don't know what I'm asking here. Advice, I think. How have you coped with cubicles? I have got to calm down so I can start thinking my way out of the box, but I can't. I'm having recurring ...beliefs? that if I'm in a full chador complete with face mask, maybe it will help. (Obviously, what I really want is to be invisible, unseen, and unwatched.) Also recurring visions of my coworkers leaping over desks to attack me (that's pure fantasy --they are nice people though a couple are prickly and not tolerant of any failure). The coworkers don't know about the PTSD, but I think it's about to become public anyway. The new manager isn't very discrete, and now he knows. Management thinks it's just something that I can 'get over' or 'get used to'. Perhaps, but the track record isn't showing that.
