General Clearly I Made The Right Decision...

[technigirl]

So in my previous post I mentioned letting my friend go, that I had written one last email (very short, nice, and nonchalant), etc etc. I now know for sure that letting him and the "friendship" go was the correct decision and the right way to proceed.

We have a mutual friend and that person just today told me that my PTSD "friend" told him I had sent the email. And the mutual friend told him "You should talk to her and work it out because she cared about you." Apparently my "friend's" response was: "I don't care about her." Wow really? After a year of sharing so much personal stuff and me helping him out with countless work and personal issues, him inviting me to stay at his home, etc, it turns out he didn't care about me at all. Boy was I stupid! I do have to wonder though, if he doesn't care, why is he talking to people about it? Just that f'ed up I guess. Thanks for listening.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Don't take this the wrong way.

You're applying normal reasoning and standards to a PTSD mind. Sadly, it doesn't work like that.

You're reacting as if he isn't under the influence of PTSD or in the middle of an episode.

I'm not saying his actions are *right* but what I am saying is that you're internalizing his issue and making it your own.

He's pushing you away as hard and as fast as he can because he cannot handle the stress of a relationship.

Its not about you and it probably never was. Well, at least not on a personal level.

PS

Triangulation kills relationships. Don't rely on second hand information.

 

[technigirl]

Thank you @itsKismet, I appreciate the response. You're right, I keep forgetting that the mind of a PTSD sufferer and the way they respond is not going to be the same as a normal person. I hear you on the secondhand info, I also had that thought. But this info didn't really change anything I am doing or feeling. It did serve to reinforce what I was already thinking, which was that by shutting me out for 3 weeks and counting, he is effectively severing the friendship. I need to remember, as you pointed out, that it's his issue (and also his loss) and I should not make it mine.

 

[technigirl]

Just one other thought I had about this, I think what bothered me the most about the comment was that it seems to invalidate our whole friendship. It would be one thing to say, "Hey I do/did care about her, but I just can't be friends with her anymore." At least that would acknowledge that we had a connection at one point. Or he could have just answered by saying, "No, I'm not going to talk to her." Maybe that would be too much since it was 2 guys talking, and it was just easier to say "I don't care about her." I don't know.

 

[Peach]

I'm sorry about the turn things have taken. That is a very low blow! I agree with Kismet, you should try not to take what he said as the absolute truth. That doesn't mean that he will come around and make a grand gesture, but you really just have no idea what is going on inside his head.

It sucks big time when they string you along like this and then freak out and pretend like it's your fault things fell apart or that it meant nothing. My guy tried to play the "I don't know how you keep reading too much into our situation..." card. I was floored at first, I have a million examples of him doing and saying things that a platonic friend would never do! Hell! On Monday he sent me a very sexually explicit song and pointed out particular lines and yet I'm supposed to think he just wants to be friends??? I'll take what I can get though, I love that he's in a good enough place to be playful and thinking of me that way. Anyway, eventually I realized that he was protecting himself by not acknowledging that he is/was falling for me - which unfortunately for these guys is a very scary and stressful concept. It's so difficult to think that they don't get the same obsessive warm fuzzies as we do when they "like" someone.

I know this hurts, the loss of a friend is horrible, let alone someone you loved loved, but it isn't your fault. There was something there, but he is sick...his brain has undergone physical changes. It's no longer simply a matter of men are from Mars, women are from Venus - it's more like PTSD is from Jupiter.

I'm sorry it's (probably) over and you have to be on that stupid roller coaster. If it were me, I'd hope I could still look back and be happy to have had the chance to get to know him. Underneath, he is a nice guy and maybe could have been the one, but he's probably just plain incapable. It's extremely unfortunate, but there's nothing you could have done about it. :hug:

 

[technigirl]

Thanks Peach. The interesting thing is, we really were just friends, well at least from my point of view. I do love him but it's as a friend, not a romantic love. This makes me wonder though if he had some feelings besides friendship. He had tried to make some moves on me a few times, but we've always told each other we're just friends. I figured if anything else came up we could work through that. Guys are funny though...I think it's harder for them to toss aside those kind of romantic thoughts than it is for us women.

I do think he's incapable of any kind of healthy relationship, friendship or otherwise. He doesn't seem to have a lot of close friends and from what he's told me, he has gone through periods of not talking with all of them at various times. He's wanted a girlfriend for like 5 years but only seems to have super brief flings (like...a couple weeks or less). It's like he wants to be close with people but can't handle it. You are right, he is sick.

Your guy definitely sounds like he is interested in more than friends. You don't do that stuff with someone who's just a friend. I agree that it sounds like he's protecting himself. They seem to have issues trusting people and that leads them to keep their distance.

 

[Peach]

I suppose he probably did have romantic feelings for you. That definitely throws a wrench into things. Even if he said he was fine with just being friends...I've said the same to my guy when it was clear he was melting down and on the verge of shutting me out completely. I didn't exactly mean it though, I just felt it was my only option, but the fact is that I do want more. The heart wants what it wants. It would be easier if I thought he meant it, I really could put my hope for more to bed and simply be a friend, but the mixed signals are a killer! So, does that have something to do with your friends change of heart or was it something else completely. Unfortunately, we may never know. And that's the hard part, never knowing and just trying to decipher their thoughts and actions based on what we know of them.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Two thoughts come to mind, first you are not stupid, you are making a change that will improve your life. Chalk it up as a valuable learning experience. The second thought I had was beware the mutual friend passing information to you because I have learned that when people do this they are passing on information about what you are saying.

As for your ex friend, maintain your boundries and do not get triangled in. I wish you the best on this one.