Co-consciousness As A Term / Academic Equivalent?

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think you even knowing this means that it isn't amnesia. I would call it more compartmentalization of parts.

This is where I get confused because I know this now, but I don't always know this. I forget about things until I remember them. I don't remember what memory, specifically, it is that I've forgotten or can't recall when I'm in the other headspaces. I just know that, in general, work-self has no access to childhood memories and little-kid-self has no access to work information. Moments and versions in-between those two (like now) I can rationally look at the situation and derive these conclusions, but I don't think I can when I'm immersed in either version. During those polarized moments, I don't know that there is anything else to know.

And then the not-remembering exists on a spectrum from the "oh, I forgot" to the "knowing that I should know something but I can't bring it up" to the scarier things, like spending four days in a city I had travelled to for work, thinking about how I should have visited sooner (at the end of the four days it occurred to me that I had been there - on three different occasions - in the past) and the week that I forgot that I owned a car (that I've owned for the past ten years).

So, I guess I'm confused about the difference between amnesia (pure-not-remembering) and amnesia between parts (which would be structural dissociation, DID) and whether I can call it amnesia if the information ever returns (how long do I have to not-remember for it to qualify as amnesia?).

 

[shimmerz]

I would have to ask (and I am no professional, so take that as what it is), is there a certain 'part' of you that, when accessed, remembers globally (or at least semi globally?). I mean I understand what you are saying and had this discussion with my SO just this morning due to an issue that was still compartmentalized and I walked right into a 'situation' that, had the compartmentalization not been in place, I could have easily avoided. So, I get what you are saying. I am just trying to get to when you remember that you remembered that you had a car? Or when you forgot?

I expect that a regressed part of you may well forget that you had a car. I have forgotten how to use a banking card before..... but I remember that I forgot - so that means it isn't totally walled off. I think with DID type issues, things are totally walled off, which may be why JL suggested that you carry a tape recorder with you.

 

[Sideways]

One of the key signs I have DID, is that the different personalities hold different memories, and I can only access those memories when that part is fronting...Just sayin'.

But even though I have DID, I also have an appalling memory, period.

Does that help, or just make it worse?

 

[BlueOrange]

when I cross over into my competent work-self, all those things I can't remember will come back.

I am not a therapist. I am not your therapist.

It reads like dissociative amnesia in the context of structural dissociation to me.

Amnesia is memory loss that is not due to normal forgetting. Dissociative amnesia is memory loss due to dissociation.

When you are the nine-year-old, you report being unable to access memories (word meanings) that you can access when you identify as an adult.

In other words, one of the distinguishing factors between the two identity states is a capacity to recall those meanings.

So, in terms of diagnosing your structural dissociation, we know that you have at least 2 parts, and that one of the features of that dissociative divide is access to certain competencies.

The description of the nine-year-old part as 'lacking certain competencies' suggests that it is not an 'apparently normal part' - adults do not normally present in the manner of nine year olds.

Do you have more than one part that is 'apparrently normal'? If so, then you have DID (according to Structural Dissociation). If not, then you don't.

 

[BlueOrange]

I think with DID type issues, things are totally walled off,

I've been diagnosed with DID, and I have a mostly-strong base of shared recollections between parts. When my dissociation causes forgetting, I'm much more likely to forget my own behavior than anything else.

I would like to tell you about what it's like having more than one ANP. Within my internal society, there are rules, and persons with authority. The disclosures that can be made by the part that posts on these forums are restricted.

It's like being the PR representative for a company. I have access to pretty much all of the files. Having access to the files doesn't mean that I understand how everybody thinks. In certain cases, I've been given access to confidential information, and I am trusted not to disclose it.

When I was working for a multinational, one of the things that we were cautioned about, was sharing the organization chart. It turns out that hackers and corporate spies can use organization charts to compromise the security of a targeted organization.

As the PR identity, I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of identity tasked with maintaining the security of my internal organization, nor of other identities which may or may not be tasked with other functions. I may or may not be part of a PR team.

I can assure you that I am able to enter into binding agreements, and I am able to interpret regulations in a way that permits maximal levels of disclosure (as evidenced above).

Please also be aware that we have adopted a policy of nonviolence (physical and emotional). We believe that the most preferable path towards security is to minimize the level of threat in our environment, and that our behavior is an important contributor to threat and non-threat in our environment.

Generalizing a little, I think that DID forms when we need to operate in more than one stressful environment, where social competence is essential to successful operation, and where the need arises before we understand how to conceal or falsify emotional signals. In those situations, we develop a PR team. If members of the team are unable to perform their duties while having full access to the files/memories, then their access is restricted in order to enable them to perform their function.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Ragdoll Circus I think that, simultaneously, is reassuring and terrifying to know that. I'm so torn on this whole thing - I don't want the label of DID but when I get told that I'm not DID, my parts freak out and try to hurt me for "not being considered real".So anything that points to the DID diagnosis leaves me feeling really conflicted.

Do you have more than one part that is 'apparrently normal'? If so, then you have DID (according to Structural Dissociation). If not, then you don't.

"Apparently normal" meaning adult? I don't know what qualifies. Work-self seems separate from what I am right now. But I understand about work-self, I just am not work-self. I know that the really technical info isn't in the forefront of my brain, but it feels closer and easier to access than when I turn into the child-versions of myself. (like looking at some books or listening to a podcast or a video, etc could shift me into that version if I needed to shift).

I know that, sometimes, I feel like I'm skidding out of control and all I can do is look on with horror as I talk louder and faster and sound really, really manic. That part of me, whatever it is, bombed a job interview once for me. It also comes out when I'm around family. But I never thought of it as more than just a part, because I tend to remember what was done when I was that part, even though I can't control it.

 

[BlueOrange]

"Apparently Normal" meaning... Appearing to be normal :/

So, the mental age of the part should be compatible with the age of the body. And it should be able to conduct grown-up business in a grown-up way.

The part that wrote the forum post I am replying to appears normal to me, in the context of this conversation.

You've told me that there is a technical self who has advanced technical skills. That part sounds normal when reported in that way, but it's hard to tell from here.

It could well be good to start talking about why you're afraid of the DID diagnosis, with a view to managing that fear. (I tend to talk about my PTSD diagnosis rather than my DID diagnosis in most settings, because the conversation is easier that way.)

Also, you've noted that the distance between one part of you and certain things is less than the difference between another part and those things.

I experience that too. I think you might be aware that there are times when I lose my words. Most of me has full access to the words, but some parts don't. Access to computer programming skills is very heavily restricted, I'm not entirely sure why.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I'm asking about co-consciousness because it was a word that my therapist used last session, and I'm desperately trying to convince myself that she couldn't have possibly been referencing the presence of alters.

I've only heard the word 'co-consciousness' used in reference to alters.

It is safe to say that, given your therapist's use of the word, she at least considers you to have compartmentalized 'parts'.

My memory is terrible. At any given time I don't even know what time of day it is, or what I did an hour before or a day before or a year before.

There are times when I meet people who know me and I don't know who they are. Sometimes I can't recognize people. Sometimes I can't understand when people speak.

Very rarely, I'll "wakeup" in the middle of things and have no idea where I am or what I am doing.

Your words could have come straight from my mouth during my DID years.

I'm not saying you have DID. I am saying that your descriptions are those any multiple would recognize.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

So, the mental age of the part should be compatible with the age of the body. And it should be able to conduct grown-up business in a grown-up way.

The part that wrote the forum post I am replying to appears normal to me, in the context of this conversation.

You've told me that there is a technical self who has advanced technical skills. That part sounds normal when reported in that way, but it's hard to tell from here.

I think the part that writes here is normal?

I know that work-self is normal. Work-self is the part with friends and a social life, too.

Your words could have come straight from my mouth during my DID years.

I'm not saying you have DID. I am saying that your descriptions are those any multiple would recognize.

This scares me. This scares me a lot.

 

[whiteraven]

I used to get so scared by the possibility of being diagnosed with DID. My then-therapist would hint at it, and I'd go home each week worried that I had it and wonder how I'd deal with it when I finally found out for sure. Then I finally realized that knowing wasn't going to change anything. I would be the same person(s) I'd always been; I'd just have a name for how we were organized so that my therapist had a better reference point for helping me/us.

At that realization, I stopped focusing so much on the diagnosis and starting focusing more on what was going on inside. That's what's important, after all, right? I came to really appreciate my insiders and to find all sorts of ways to communicate with them. Now, I can't imagine not having them around.

Keep asking questions, @theshadowoftheliving. The answers will come, whatever they are. And we'll be here to support you.

 

[BlueOrange]

I think the part that writes here is normal?

I know that work-self is normal. Work-self is the part with friends and a social life, too.

Well, if those two parts both seem normal, then that indicates that you have two 'apparently normal parts'.

This scares me. This scares me a lot.

I had a lot of fears around the DID diagnosis, and it's taken me a while to get used to it.

I was afraid that everything I'd learned about managing myself was wrong; this turned out not to be the case - what I did learn was some of the reasons why I was 'stuck' in my therapy, and I started to have some ideas about how to make progress.

I was afraid of the stigma that I associated with DID. But I eventually came out to my friends, and they were very supportive. When it comes to the general public, I tend not to tell them about DID - I tend to tell them that I was diagnosed with PTSD a long time ago (which is true, even if it's not the whole truth).

I was afraid that I would turn into Norman Bates, but I didn't.

I think it would help you to be as specific as possible about your fears in relation to a DID diagnosis.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@whiteraven I'm working really hard to not get hug up on the technical terms that could or could not describe my experiences, but it is hard. I think I believe simultaneously that the diagnosis would validate my experiences and my parts (which freak out whenever they are told that they aren't real) and it would also confirm a panic of mine about my ability to function in the world (as in- what if it precludes me from achieving what I want to achieve?)

I was afraid of the stigma that I associated with DID. But I eventually came out to my friends, and they were very supportive. When it comes to the general public, I tend not to tell them about DID - I tend to tell them that I was diagnosed with PTSD a long time ago (which is true, even if it's not the whole truth).

I'm so afraid of the stigma that surrounds DID. I actually don't even tell people that I have PTSD, except for a few close friends. If I disclose any mental illness, its the depression - that seems easier for most to understand. I guess since I haven't even really handled the PTSD diagnosis in many ways, having an additional dissociative disorder diagnosis just feels incredibly overwhelming.