Co-consciousness As A Term / Academic Equivalent?

[BlueOrange]

When it comes to disclosure, it's very much your choice. Given that PTSD often has depressive symptoms/consequences, I think that disclosing Depression is a valid choice. It tells people what they might legitimately need to know, and it enables a level of understanding that would be sufficient for most purposes.

I hope that's encouraging?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thanks, @BlueOrange. I like just calling it depression because that doesn't require further explanation, and also justifies ays that I can't interact with the world or function in society. I'm trying really hard not to panic about what could or could not happen if I receive a new diagnosis.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Sorry to have scared you.

DID needn't be scary. Personally, I was shocked when it first all came clear but, as others here have offered, I realized that, no matter, I was still the same person I was prior to diagnosis; nothing had changed. Once I hit that point - and it didn't take long - I began to focus on my insiders, on inner communication and healing, and I was fine with it all.

DID is not the end of the world. Some of my insiders were actually wonderful and fun; I came to love them.

 

[whiteraven]

@whiteraven I'm working really hard to not get hug up on the technical terms that could or could not describe my experiences, but it is hard. I think I believe simultaneously that the diagnosis would validate my experiences and my parts (which freak out whenever they are told that they aren't real) and it would also confirm a panic of mine about my ability to function in the world (as in- what if it precludes me from achieving what I want to achieve?)

I'm so afraid of the stigma that surrounds DID. I actually don't even tell people that I have PTSD, except for a few close friends. If I disclose any mental illness, its the depression - that seems easier for most to understand. I guess since I haven't even really handled the PTSD diagnosis in many ways, having an additional dissociative disorder diagnosis just feels incredibly overwhelming.

------->I understand this perfectly @theshadowoftheliving. I'm writing a book and write about these very things. The diagnosis did, indeed help validate for me and my others (ok, less for my others...they mostly don't believe we are a "we") some things. And, at first, I was also absolutely certain I would no longer be able to function like I wanted/needed to in the world.

I was wrong on that last account. I function very, very well - I would be considered "high-functioning" in many circles - and most don't know I have DID, including my own mother. I have 3 degrees, including a Master's, and obtained 2 of them after diagnosis, during the most difficult years. I am testament to the fact that, no matter how hard it is, you can get through it. It is not easy, though. By any means. And I do still have major issues with depression and some newish issues with PTSD that I just never acknowledged/dealt with. But everyone is different.

As far as the stigma goes, this has been the least of my concerns. Remember, you don't *have* to tell anyone. If you have issues with insiders that do things that you are not aware of, you and your therapist can come up with creative responses for family and friends for "your" behavior. Nobody needs to know unless you want them to. If you're like me, you may at some point want to tell someone. I gave a good friend a book I read and really liked with a note. He handled it beautifully.

Take care.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I don't tell people about my diagnoses. None of their business.

I am also high-functioning, in grad school (mathmatics).

There are many high-functioning - even brilliant - multiples out there.

 

[Sideways]

@theshadowoftheliving - I slept on this before posting so I could really wrack my brain, but outside therapy, I've only ever told 1 person I have DID. And I told him partly because I switched in feont of him regularly and he was going out of his brain with confusion, but mostly because he was a good friend who confided in me regularly about his private struggles with schizophrenia and I reached the point where I wanted him to know. And it didn't backfire at all.

But apart from him? Literally no one outside therapy knows.

If I had an infected ulcer on my back under my clothes? Wouldn't tell people that either!

But seriously, there are people and situations that different alters routinely handle for me. But they do that consistently. That person only ever sees the one version of me, so it isn't confusing for them, and doesn't require any explanation from me. So it's none of their business.

But confronting that reality, that certain parts ALWAYS take over in certain situations and around certain people? Privately, that has been incredibly helpful for me. And in some situations, it's actually helped me realise that there are certain people that I actually don't want in my life anymore. Not so much because I hate switching (I do), but because I can now appreciate that they are people that I don't cope with emotionally. That helps me keep myself in situations that I'm happy and safe in.

That's sort of a way of turning the issue of "do I disclose?" on it's head, and making it something useful to you. If there's someone in your life that triggers switching? Maybe you're considering needing to disclose that you have DID. But instead of thinking about whether to disclose, maybe think about "why do they make me switch?" and whether they're causing an issue for you that makes you feel unsafe deep inside.

People that you don't ever switch in front of? Just like the infected ulcer, there's no reason you have to share. You work on getting the ulcer healed in your own time, and the rest of the world goes about not needing to know.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

The diagnosis did, indeed help validate for me and my others (ok, less for my others...they mostly don't believe we are a "we") some things. And, at first, I was also absolutely certain I would no longer be able to function like I wanted/needed to in the world.

I'm still so conflicted over having my experiences validated by a diagnosis (which, to date, I don't have) and the consequences of what that might mean. I know, intellectually, that it wouldn't actually change anything, but I've lived my life trying to cover up these sort of experiences, so laying them on the table and naming them is really, really scary.

Maybe you're considering needing to disclose that you have DID.

Thank you @Ragdoll Circus for your kind words in your post. I appreciate the thought and time you spent on this response. I'm waiting to disclose having DID until I'm officially diagnosed as such. Maybe it isn't real. Maybe it isn't happening, and I don't want to talk about it as real if it isn't.

I thought I had resolved this all within me to be patient and just wait, but new experiences yesterday have me even more anxious than before.

In therapy, I had the sudden feeling of not knowing who I was, and my body didn't look like it had anything to do with me, even though I knew it did. And then I could hear myself speaking with my therapist, but I couldn't do anything about it. I was saying talking about Shadow like Shadow was someone else, and then I said that I couldn't tell what Shadow was thinking. My therapist asked me if Shadow was listening, and suddenly my head started hurting and it was like I was being dragged back into my body, and then I was startled and upset about what had happened.

Maybe I am co-conscious? But who are the others?

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

of not knowing who I was, and my body didn't look like it had anything to do with me, even though I knew it did. And then I could hear myself speaking with my therapist, but I couldn't do anything about it. I was saying talking about Shadow like Shadow was someone else, and then I said that I couldn't tell what Shadow was thinking. My therapist asked me if Shadow was listening, and suddenly my head started hurting and it was like I was being dragged back into my body, and then I was startled and upset about what had happened.

I had DID, and this happened to me a lot.

 

[BlueOrange]

I think the most frightening experiences I ever had were when I felt like a passenger in my body. This happened when I had worked out how to be aware of my dissociation, but not how to build positive relationships within myself.

So, please be aware that it gets better: You're not permanently trapped as a powerless passenger - it's possible to establish meaningful cooperation between parts, and to share control. (Which is different to seizing control.)

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

So, please be aware that it gets better: You're not permanently trapped as a powerless passenger - it's possible to establish meaningful cooperation between parts, and to share control. (Which is different to seizing control.)

Oh, this is so true.

The "seizing control" point BlueOrange brought up is especially important. Alters generally only seize the body when they are denied access to 'out time'. Once there is positive communication internally, and the alters understand that they are to be allowed out at safe negotiated times, they no longer need to grab body time.

Life is so much better when there is internal communication and cooperation!

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think the most frightening experiences I ever had were when I felt like a passenger in my body. This happened when I had worked out how to be aware of my dissociation, but not how to build positive relationships within myself.

I know that knowing is a good step, but it is so much easier not to know. Not knowing is easy. I'd almost rather be baffled by things that happen, and baffled by time lost, than know what I did or said during that time.

The "seizing control" point BlueOrange brought up is especially important. Alters generally only seize the body when they are denied access to 'out time'. Once there is positive communication internally, and the alters understand that they are to be allowed out at safe negotiated times, they no longer need to grab body time.

This is where things get hard. I know this in theory, but I'm terrified of losing control. My proffesional life is really intense right now. I lost today to not being able to function (I had the sense to just tell people I had a migraine, but really, I couldn't pull the info up or transition into my work-self head space) and now I am panicked over the rest of the week (but feeling too foggy to actually prep for it, so wondering if going to bed might be a better plan).

So, I'm worried about risking it. I'm worried about what might happen. I'm just worried.

 

[BlueOrange]

I'd almost rather be baffled by things that happen, and baffled by time lost, than know what I did or said during that time

I know that feeling. Which is why I hid so much from myself. Until I decided I could handle it, at which point it started to hurt a lot more.

Hang in there - once you understand whatever it is you've been hiding, you'll understand why you decided you were ready to handle it.