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Childhood COCSA: An old situation just came back to my mind and I can’t think about anything else.

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walruspasta

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Hello, a couple of days ago I remembered a situation I had somewhat erased from my memory, in which I think I was the perpetrator.
First, I think it is important to know that I was exposed to sexual activity from very young; I think I started watching pornography when I was around 7-8.
Around that same time, I started having sexual experiences with one of my classmates, in which we would, consensually, experiment with each others bodies. It never got to penetration but a lot of other forms of sex. (we were both males btw)
Couple of years later, I was exposed to pornography by a cousin older than me by around 2-3 years ? I was around 10 and he was around 13. It was one night in which he showed me pornography and tried to get me to masturbate with him. I’m not sure if I was consenting, as I was used to doing that kind of stuff because of my past experiences w my classmate, but something sure did feel off.
Around those same times, another cousin (female, this time) and I started kissing and touching each others’ private parts during a “dad and mom” game. Let me remind you I got pretty used to sexual activity from a pretty early age.
The situation I recalled a couple of days ago, however, was one night where I was sleeping with my female cousin, and while she was sleeping, I touched her private parts. It was around those same times and we were both around 10. I can’t recall my motives for doing so, but I’m sure I didn’t understand, and wasn’t talked about limits of other people’s bodies. That was the first and only time something like that happened, and I’m seeking help from an external to understand this situation better
Thanks
 
Hi @walruspasta
Having memories return is unsettling.
And I can imagine having this memory return must make it even more so.

You don't ask a question in your post. Is there a particular question you have or are you looking for a particular kind of support?
 
Hi @walruspasta
Having memories return is unsettling.
And I can imagine having this memory return must make it even more so.

You don't ask a question in your post. Is there a particular question you have or are you looking for a particular kind of support?
Hello! thanks for the quick response
Well the thing is that this is a situation that really confuses me and I wanted an opinion from a professional or at least a third party to define what exactly this kind of behavior meant.
Was I the perpetrator? What consequences could this lead to? What could be the way to go? I just want to fix what can be fixed.
I never intended any harm, I wasn’t completely sure about what I was doing but the guilt is eating me.
Thanks
 
I don't see how anything you've described was very different from the sexual experiences that most children have with each other. Even the non-consensual touching is something I don't think you need to feel bad about. You did it once, there was no vast power imbalance, you felt bad about it, you didn't do it again. I don't think there's any reason for you to feel guilty.
I was around 10 and he was around 13. It was one night in which he showed me pornography and tried to get me to masturbate with him.
That cousin might have a reason to feel bad, but I don't think you do.
 
Was I the perpetrator? What consequences could this lead to? What could be the way to go?
I don't think so. You blipped and did something you didn't really understand due to being exposed to things you otherwise shouldn't have been. I don't think there needs to be any consequences and I'd ultimately advocate self-forgiveness. I do understand how that can seem a monumental task.

I have been a perpetrator (of violence, not of voluntary sexual violence against others, blah blah blah I always have to qualify, heh.) and these things look a lot different from my perspective. I've also been a perpetrator involuntarily. Even if you were, concepts of empathy and compassion and dignity still apply.

You're a human person. You're OK. Restorative, re-integrative justice is always preferential. Always.
 
while she was sleeping, I touched her private parts
Touching someone whilst they are asleep and haven't consented is assault, which you know.

But, there is a context behind all this which is all the sexual aspects you had been exposed to prior to that, which could explain why you did that, which you highlight.

but I’m sure I didn’t understand, and wasn’t talked about limits of other people’s bodies.
And this ^^

That was the first and only time something like that happened,
This ^^ is good as it tells you this isn't behaviour that you have,but something that you did once asa10 year old child, in the context of everything in your post (and other things no doubt in wider contexts).

Was I the perpetrator? What consequences could this lead to? What could be the way to go? I just want to fix what can be fixed.
So in the context of these questions: if you want to use the term perpetrator, is that going to help you or punish yourself?
Consequences: depends on all sorts of things? In the UK the age of criminal responsibility is 10 years old (i.e. that 10 year olds know right from wrong and can therefore be prosecuted).
Don't know where you are in the world and what the law is there.
What could be the way to go? Sounds like the way to go is to forgive yourself.
You've never done it since.
You were 10 years old.
You were exposed to pornography at very young age.
You feel remorse and guilt which shows you understand impact and have compassion for her.
So working on how you hold this seems the way to go.
 
I don't have much to add here besides my condolences and to share similar experiences. I've known for a lot of years that I was a victim of CSA/incest but it wasn't until this month that I learned about the term COCSA. Just like you, I also had experiences playing "House" and other games where it would become way too sexual for tiny children to even be aware of. I have a lot of memories repressed but the memories I do have make me go "yikes." I really can't speak to the specific parameters of SA versus children exploring inappropriate taboos together. But I do know that what happened to me, and what was happening to my friends, and what happened to you, was absolutely not our faults. It's really f*cking hard to think of it outside of the mindset of disgust and shame, but like some other people worded way way better than I have - it's so important to have forgiveness for your child self (still working on that, personally). Very similarly to you, I also started watching porn at a very very young age.

I think, ultimately, my friends and I were aware that it wasn't okay because we would always become sexual when playing privately behind closed doors or in blanket forts where no one was checking up on us. Myself and two of us were around 4-7, and the 4th friend was a younger sibling, a couple years younger than the three of us.

I agree with @somerandomguy that it's more accurate for your older cousin to feel bad, and not you. I'm sorry that you're facing this, but glad that you have somewhere to share and maybe eventually process.
 
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