H
hardhat
I’m a teenager trying to understand CoCSA because I feel like I was a perpetrator of it. I was introduced to pornography and things sexual at a very very young age due to unrestricted internet access and accidental access to erotic material and gained a sense of those things being normal or in a way accepted I guess. Me and my cousin who is about 2 years younger than me around the ages of 9 and 7? Would watch these materials together and engage in sexual acts together unknowingly. I believe this went on for about a year and a half or maybe two years I’m unsure, but the incidents were separate happening when I would visit my cousin in that period (We visited twice in that time period) and haven’t since in the last 5 or 6 years because I’ve come to realize it’s not a normal or okay thing. I feel like we/I went on to victimize my younger sister when I was around 9 or 10 though, we had noticed when we were all changing she had some kind of discharge I guess and were talking about it but I’m not sure like if that constitutes anything, but when I was around 9 or 10 we shared a room and she would sir on my head as a way to like annoy me and I just feel disgusting about it because I don’t know if I essentially like enjoyed that or something, also when I was around that same age of 9 or 10 I began with masturbation and would attempt it whilst my sister was in the room but I feel like I would always try and distract her from it by trying to get her to her talk or face and turn away from me because I didn’t want her to see or know but I didn’t exactly understand why I just felt like I didn’t want her to be a part of it in any way but I felt like I had to do it and felt wrong doing it when she was in the room but I had no idea what to do because she had to be. I feel like I had a problem with frequent or like almost compulsive masturbation since I began knowing how? But also that I don’t anymore, I didn’t like ever feel anything for my sister like sexually or anything and I don’t now nor did I back then and I never have and I’m completely sure of that, I just felt like these were all things I guess I had to do or were like normal to do? They all felt very compulsive and like things I had to do. This is just eating me alive inside I Don’t know what any of this means I feel so sick and guilty and painful every time I remember it and I don’t know what I’ve done Please Help