Codependency

[grit]

My only clear understanding of codependency is when an alcoholic and a doormat get married and one becomes enabler and the other is addict. Even then I get a dependency but not so much the co- part.

Because these kind of combination relationships are “rare” or at least not something I personally experienced, I have hard time understanding what co-dependency is. I googled, and all the theory based and this and that I just do not get it emotionally. I think I get it intellectually maybe…I am not so sure.

Do you or anyone here has an experience that is not only addict and enabler but some other combination?



Thank you for educating me.

Please help me understand.

 

[NaeNae75]

I think it's a "co dependency" because really, both are addicts in their own way...they depend on each other for their "fix". The person doesn't always even have to be an enabler. One person is the dependent, the other the co-dependent because their dependency is related to the other's dependency.

For example: person one is an addict (dependent) as normally defined: alcoholic, drug addict, gambling, sex, etc. Person two is addicted in a way to something involved in person number one's addiction (co dependent): enable, martyr, victim, fixer, scapegoat, overachiever etc. and uses these things to help identify themselves, in an unhealthy manor.

For some reason, they rely on each other to keep the dysfunctional dance going. If the addict genuinely gets better, the co-dependant sometimes can lose their identity.

 

[grit]

It sounds so confusing. what would be the worst case scenario? why not just say this kind of relationship is abusive? can co-dependency be healthy relationship?
I am thinking either I am too dense or this is cultural phenomenon?

 

[NaeNae75]

It's not necessarily abusive in the general sense of the term. Co dependency is rarely "healthy", but not inherently bad. Codependency has existed, in fact, for generations honestly. It just wasn't talked about.

So there are three ways to relate to other people, in general:

Independent: where the individual is concerned only with themselves with little concern to their partner...like having a roomate you're not friends with (big time simplification)

Co Dependent: where neither really has an identity without it involving the other...one is an addict, the other identifies in relation to the addict...they're enabler, scape goat, family clown, maryter etc. They can't see where their life ends, and the other person's life begins. Completely intertwined, but generally in a dysfunctional or unhealthy way. Bad or no boundaries exist.

Interdependent: Each person has their own life, independent from the other....but has things that they are "together" about. Like we share a family. I choose to do something for someone because I want to not because I need to. Each person's identity exists without the partner, but they also are bonded in a healthy way with healthy boundaries between them to define each's identity.


Again, this is trying to break it down to something that's easier to see on paper...it's a gross simplification.

 

[grit]

Thanks NaeNae75
You are giving me a good explanation. I will think about it more. thank you for taking time to explain in simple terms.

 

[NaeNae75]

Thanks NaeNae75
You are giving me a good explanation. I will think about it more. thank you for taking time to explain in simple terms.

You're very welcome! I had to think of it this way to wrap my mind around it myself.

 

[EveHarrington]

I was with a co-dependent for a few months. I spent longer undoing the damage than I was actually with him!

He had a history of codependency and sought out people he could fix. Well, problems arose when I didn’t want his forced help.

Codependency can be horrible for those with ptsd as it prevents us from moving forward and healing in a healthy manner.

It’s not always about the dynamic of two. There are single codependent people out there who are subconsciously seeking someone to fix as this is how they feel wanted and whole.

 

[Cypress]

I use codependency as a way to avoid dealing with my PTSD. It’s much easier to fix other people than it is to fix yourself. I am in the helping professions and for along time thought I chose this career because I thought I could relate to others pain. That may be true but I know now that on some level I chose it because allowing yourself to be consumed with others pain is a good way to avoid your own. Why feel your own feelings when you can feel someone else’s?

Same scenario in my marriages, I twice picked husbands that were remarkably talented but just needed a little emotional support ( from me of course) to be successful, one had PTSD like me and the other struggles with depression. I spent all my emotional energies trying to fix and control them and completely ignored my own mental health. And then when kids came along, well you can spend all day worrying about them.

When my daughter’s therapist pointed out that PTSD and codependency was affecting my parenting, I felt terrible. Now that I am starting to feel my own feelings and easing back into therapy, I’m wondering if I need to change my career.

 

[Abstract]

Hi,
One of the ways I would describe it is this:
healthy relationships involve 2 separate whole people sharing their lives and themselves with each other. genuinely loving and caring for each other.
Codependent people are not separate and whole. They are filling the holes in themselves with another persons problems needs etc. To avoid the holes in their own selves/lives.
The person is therefore not really a person for them in a true sense and is rather a prop. Like a drug in a sense.
In the same way the damaged person is using the copendendant to prop themselves up too. They are 100% part of the unhealthy codependant dynamic. Its a 2 person thing.
They are both using each other to fix that part of themselves rather than working on themselves, fixing themselves and sharing themselves with the other.
Asking for and receiving help from another is different and healthy.