Cold and distant adult children

[Deleted member 38906]

Do you think it's an adult child's job to take care of their parent and be emotionally supportive and available to them?

The reason I ask is bc my mom recently let me know that I wasn't a good daughter to her. That I wasn't there for her emotionally for her to confide in me.

she says I'm a spiteful person and instead of talking to her if I was upset with her, I would distance myself and take it out on her with passive aggressive behavior.

She says children have more responsibility towards their parents, not the other way round.

She also says it's too late now to fix me cause I'm too old (30).

This makes me feel guilty for being alive and existing bc I let her down as a daughter. I don't know why I don't feel close to her. I guess i just don't love her the way I'm supposed to and I don't know how to make myself love her.

Just curious to know what other people think.

Thanks

 

[Fadeaway]

Nope, she is wrong. You owe nothing to crappy parents.You didn't choose your parent's they choose to have you. She sounds narcissistic.

 

[Friday]

Talk about blame shifting.

If she wanted to have a different relationship with you? She could have. If she’d gone to the effort to parent, mentor, then become friends with you. At some point along the line, SHE dropped that ball. That was her responsibility -as the adult- to transition the relationship while you were still a child.

But no, she just wants to bitch and moan, now???

Worse, she still could have a different relationship with you, if she went to the effort of making friends with you, instead of attempting to guilt trip you and bully you.

You are not to blame for her decisions.

 

[MyWillow]

Your Mum sounds like my Dad. I had strips torn off me because I didn’t return his call quickly enough on my last birthday. I was in the car when this happened and if I hadn’t had my dogs in the car I would have been tempted to take on a tree. Every conversation leaves me in a complete tail spin. My T commented that he seeks to have narcissistic and bullying traits. She has gently suggested that I need to have no contact for a while. Two weeks so far.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

@Fadeaway @Friday @MyWillow thanks for your insight...

It would be easier for me to believe it's her issues if I was an only child. I have a younger brother who loves my mom to death. They have the closest relationship ever and compared to him I feel so evil. I think we were both treated the same.. No obvious favoritism...

My problem is I take things my mom says and does to heart.. Like if my mom yelled at me beat me up and bit me I would pretend she was dead to me and killed any feelings I had towards her and held a massive grudge.

Whereas if my brother got yelled at or hit he would apologize for being bad and it would eventually bring them closer together.

I just hold so much resentment towards her. I don't know how to get rid of it. Talking to her doesn't work cause when I brought it up last she said kids exaggerate what happens to them growing up. So I just felt shut down.

Anyways I feel so guilty for my passive aggressive and angry behavior. My cousin recently converted to Christianism and my mom doesn't like the idea of me hanging out with her out of the fear that I'll get brainwashed and convert. So I get mad when I feel like she's being controlling and throw temper tantrums like a two yo.

She told my aunt over the phone that I'm coming to visit mainly to pick up something and I just got so mad at her cause she made it sound like I don't want to visit my cousin and aunt and hang out with them. And I threw a temper tantrum which let to this recent fight. I just feel so guilty that I'm so sensitive to how she treats me. I feel like she doesn't trust my judgement to make my own decisions in life. I'm even too sacred to date bc of her.. She wants me to get married old fashioned with minimal amount of dating and physical contact.

Sorry for rambling so much.. The guilt has washed over me. There's no turning back now.

 

[MyWillow]

If it helps...your brother’s response is no more healthier than yours. Just different. I’ve been told I’m over sensitive too. I wonder if that’s just a way these folk shift blame for their own behaviour.

Rambling is fine. This sh!t is confusing.

 

[Gs172003]

@Fadeaway @Friday @MyWillow thanks for your insigh...

It's none of her business who you hang out with. You're 30 not 12!


Honey. Youve got to distance yourself from her so you can BREATHE. You're not growing, you're not doing anything you want to do for fear of somebody that has no control over you anymore. You have to work on that. Quickly.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

It's none of her business who you hang out with. You're 30 not 12!

If I say that to her she will call me rude and disrespectul and probably stop talking to me for a few days

Honey. Youve got to distance yourself from her so you can BREATHE. You're not growing, you're not doing...

I know I know but it's not that easy. When I tried moving out she would call everyday to check on me. When I asked her not to call me, she threatened to never call me again.

Plus I ended up feeling so lonely and depressed. I feel like I need to have her around to survive. Just knowing she's there and will take care of my lazy ass helps keep my depression in check. I know this is an unhealthy way to live, that's why I'm in therapy trying to gain some emotional strength.

 

[Gs172003]

If I say that to her she will call me rude and disrespectul and probably stop talking to me for a few days[...

So?

 

[Chitoshi]

I'm an adult child and my mom is supporting me emotionally right now as I go through a hard time because she's one part of my support network. I'm only emotionally there for her when I feel I can be (she knows I have anxiety), and at this point my mom doesn't divulge things to me to lean on for her as her support network for things like if she has frustrations with my dad. I hear them sometimes when she snaps about it or something because she's irritated (I don't live with her, I mean on the phone), but if there are problems beyond the irritations, I don't know about it.

My mom told me she always felt that it was her job to be there for my brothers and I (I'm 26 and the oldest), not the other way around. She has always told me she has her support network of friends and it is not my job for her to confide things to me unless they're about her health or things that will directly affect my life.

I'm only speaking from my own experience with my mother, though.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

So?

Well I guess it's not that big of a deal but that would mean a few days filled with anxiety and stress for me.

 

[MyWillow]

Well I guess it's not that big of a deal but that would mean a few days filled with anxiety and stress for...

Yes. I get that. But when I looked deeper I realised that the anxiety was about the dread of what the next phone call would entail....nice? Ignoring? Guilt trip? Yelling? Dismissive? A combination of all them? I was exhausted trying to cope.