General Collateral Visit?

[Learning123]

Jawn, I understand that you want to know what is going on with your wife, I really do, but let's me honest here, there are some things in life that you don't have rights to, and someone's personal thoughts and feelings are one of those things. It's a privelage if they choose to share that with you, but if they don't it's a pretty clear sign that they don't want to.

Don't get me wrong, I am in a very similar situation to you...we are on similar timelines, but there is only one circumstance in which I would want to hear what my ex is going through and that is if she decides she wants to open up to me and tell me.

And the ironic thing is, I don't ask her, I never do, and yet she actually opens up to me more now, when she does, I feel honoured that she does, that she trusts me, that she feels she can, that she knows I won't judge, but I don't consider it my right, in the whole 5 years we were together, I never considered her honesty to be my right, I considered it to be a privelage, and I guess if we're honest, that's is what a relationship is all about, whether it is romantic or otherwise, it's about trusting that someone will open up to you if they are comfortable with it and feel you need to know.

I'm not claiming to be the fountain of all knowledge, far from it hey, but there's a lot to be said for 'live and let live'. I wish you all the best with your wife Jawn I really do, I hope you get what you want, like I said, when we started this journey we were at similar stages, I have what I want now, my ex is getting help and I'm soooooooo proud of her and the progress she is making, that is like winning the lottery even if I'll never be with her again, but I truly consider her opening up to me a gift, and the smile on her face makes my day.

Good luck Jawn x

 

[Learning123]

I will add to that just briefly "To me it seems the only relationships that survive are due to carers that are so tenacious that they do not give up."

I disagree! I could NOT have tried harder to make my relationship work Jawn, and I could NOT have loved my ex more if I tried, I actually still find it hard to believe I will ever love anyone like that again. But I had to accept that she couldn't be with me anymore, that her getting better was more important than 'us' and I repeat "I'm soooooooo proud of her and the progress she is making, that is like winning the lottery even if I'll never be with her again" I really do hope you get your wife back Jawn, I really do.

But for many of us on here, the harsh reality is that, no matter how much you love someone, if they can't do 'us', then they can't, and I for one have realised that a PTSD sufferer has to focus on themselves as do carers, and god help anyone who questions my love for my ex, because there aren't enough words in the world to describe my love for her. I think it's clear you are the same about your wife hey :-)

Best of luck Jawn, again I really do hope you get what you want, you're a great guy x

 

[Jawn]

I think most everyone has missed my point. I am not wanting her T to call me or tell me stuff now, and I don't need the details of what is discussed in therapy. My point all along has been it would have been nice to have been given some education "in the beginning". I guess to her credit she did tell me the diagnosis was PTSD, so I could then go educate myself. I still have no idea what my role is or if I even have one in her recovery. But I am trying to be patient and see what happens.

I guess my point all along is that in my opinion it is really sad that the supporting cast (spouse/partner, family, etc.) is ignored/uneducated when the sufferer is diagnosed in many cases. Yes it is up to the sufferer to allow that to occur, but maybe I'm wrong, it seems many sufferers are not in a rational state when diagnosed. So they don't ask for help/education for their supporting cast which then causes lots of unnecessary suffering for that supporting cast because they have no idea what is wrong or how they can help. Yes, I am ignoring the fact that the supporting cast maybe the problem in some cases.

 

[Jawn]

Thanks L123, I appreciate it.

Jawn

 

[lovinbiker]

But for many of us on here, the harsh reality is that, no matter how much you love someone, if they can't do 'us', then they can't, and I for one have realised that a PTSD sufferer has to focus on themselves as do carers, and god help anyone who questions my love for my ex, because there aren't enough words in the world to describe my love for her.

I would have to say that you summed up my feelings too there L123
For me the ultimate sign of how much she meant to me was to let her concentrate on herself by taking myself out of the picture.

I would love her back in my life fully... but I want her better and enjoying life more than anything in the world

LB

 

[Learning123]

Hey Jawn,

Yep it is pretty sad, and very difficult for the partner, but I think it's important to remember that the sufferer has no idea what is going on pre / during diagnosis and almost certainly post diagnosis. I do sympathise with you hun, but having read everything that I have on PTSD, I'm pretty sure that the rollercoaster of emotions that a sufferer experiences makes it almost impossible to focus on relationships a lot of the time, and actually is UNABLE to allow or disallow anything to occur.

Ok I don't have PTSD, but I'm gonna explain it how I see it, if someone smacks you right in the face, is your initial reaction oh my god is my partner ok, or is it, "s**t that hurt who the f**k did that and why? I have to work out what happened?" It's human nature to a) take care of you b) seek your own happiness

After all, why are you here? because being with your wife makes you happy, and that's what you want, I hope that makes sense, but I will add to that, in my case my love has extended beyond my own happiness now and whilst I want to be happy, ultimately I want her to be happier...that said if I get smacked in the face, initial thoughts, "s**t that hurt", I'm human and so are PTSD sufferers, humans having a very human reaction to a very abnormal situation.

Just my thoughts, big hugs Jawn x

 

[Jawn]

Sorry L123, but I'm a guy. If someone smacks me in the face I'm going to swing back! ;) So I guess that means my wife is swinging away at the PTSD and maybe she will think about other things later. Thanks for the analogy.

I've already told my wife that the most important thing to me is for her to get healthy and happy again. If she chooses to work on us after that, that's great, but I can live with it if she can't.

 

[Learning123]

lol, fair point, hey I'm no lady trust me, but don't think I'd swing back, just pick up my handbag and run!!!

 

[catjudo]

Yes it is up to the sufferer to allow that to occur, but maybe I'm wrong, it seems many sufferers are not in a rational state when diagnosed. So they don't ask for help/education for their supporting cast...

With all due respect, I also think you may be missing the point that others are trying to make. Unless your spouse is deemed mentally incompetent (an unpleasant and drastic legal course that takes away all of their rights to make their own health care decisions), it doesn't matter how rational or irrational you believe them to be...their treatment and who is included is completely up to them.

Since you've not been privy to your wife's therapy sessions and she hasn't shared things with you, for all you know the therapist may have made the suggestion that it would be beneficial to bring you to a session so that you could learn more about what she's dealing with and have your questions answered. You don't really know. And if this was suggested and your wife said she didn't want to or wasn't comfortable with the idea at this time, then that is as far as the therapist can take it...merely a suggestion to her.

I'll say it again, it seems like your frustration is directed at the wrong person. Your frustration should not be with the therapist. Your frustration should not be with the legal system. The only person that is standing between you and information directly from your wife's therapist is your wife. Yes, I understand that you're not wanting specifics, or private details. I understand you're looking for general guidelines on your role, if any, in her recovery. But the same still stands...you get nothing unless your wife allows it. That's just the way it is. If you want to be frustrated, that's where your frustration should be directed. Though I should warn that letting her see that frustration will likely only cause problems not solve them.

 

[Jawn]

You could always hit them with the handbag L123! LOL! I would swing first because I can't run very fast with my handbag! ;)

catjudo, you are correct. I do not ask my wife anything about her therapy as everyone has advised me. Once in a great while she will share some small tidbit, but otherwise I don't push it. If I feel like I am frustrated, upset, or tearful, I pretty much stay away from her so that I don't add to her "cup".

 

[lovinbiker]

my love has extended beyond my own happiness now and whilst I want to be happy, ultimately I want her to be happier

Thats what I was trying to say you just said it better haha
LB

 

[Learning123]

Sorry Jawn what I meant is that your wife is being hit in the face with PTSD and wants to work out firstly what the pain is and why it happened, which, as far as I know can appear in many forms, flashbacks, triggers, lots of pain, emotional numbness etc, I mean I can't list every symptom, but what I'm saying is this...when you get smacked in the face by a fist, by PTSD whatever, how the hell can you focus on anything else to begin with apart from the initial hurt.

I'm not criticising you, you have been great and acted out of true love, but all I'm saying is as much as you hurt, I'm confident your wife hurts ten times as much, she has experienced a trauma, and whilst we can't fully understand that, we must be able to SEE that and step back to allow healing. I know you are doing that, we all do, but part of that healing is letting them have space, privacy etc, sorry if I'm not being clear I can only go on my own thoughts hey

x