General Collateral Visit?

[lovinbiker]

If I feel like I am frustrated, upset, or tearful, I pretty much stay away from her so that I don't add to her "cup

I feel for you jawn, I do think Catjudo summed it up very well indeed
LB

 

[Jawn]

Hmmmm, I guess my own version of the PTSD cup overflowed. ;)

 

[Learning123]

and you have every right to, everyone involved in this journey has feelings Jawn, nobody has the right answer, that's not how life works, I guess the message that I'm trying to convey, my motto if you like (which by the way a lot of people who I know should take on board) is this: "A little understanding and the ability to step into someone elses shoes once in a while, goes a long, long way" open minds are the way forward :-)

 

[Learning123]

Having read back over my last post, I also realised I missed something else that's really important for carers, and indeed the way forward...wine it really is the way forward TRUST ME ;-)

 

[seedling]

Wine may be good for all of us lol, as long as it's wine and not whine! :)

I've read this thread with much interest and have felt for everyone that's written. I just love you all, doncha know.:p

When I first started therapy my T told me my husband was welcome to come anytime. That he was welcome to come for the purposes of education, so he could get any questions answered and my T could explain what the symptoms were. It took me several months to get up the nerve to ask my husband to go even though I knew he would be willing. It was a major anxiety to get the request out of my mouth. The session went well. My husband is welcome to come with me any time, even if my T doesn't know ahead of time.
I did share my diagnosis with my husband right away. He was a witness to the same trauma that effected me, we were in it together from the start.

I have one other "gripe" that is along similar lines to the discussion here. I am in no way complaining about the excellent care we all received at the trauma center. It's more a reflection on the system.
When my son was in the trauma center for his gunshot wound I had the chaplain stop by every day to talk to him. He had a Pediatric Trauma Care Manager that listened to the WHOLE story of the shooting (I'd told it so many times by then I asked her if she really wanted to hear the whole thing). She was horrified by it.
When my son was about to be released I told his doctor that it was good for him to have the chaplains come and talk to him. He stopped as he was going out the door and said "Yes, it's a good thing, I'd strongly recommend that he keeps talking to someone."
This was the only time anyone said anything about getting help for our mental state. My son didn't have a primary care physician at the time. They didn't offer to give a referral to their clinic near us. They didn't offer a referral to mental health services.

At that point all of us were at risk for PTSD. My son especially, myself, my husband, our other son who witnessed the trauma. No one said anything about it. From what I've read, I had a 1 in 10 chance of getting PTSD at that point. No one explained how the stress of trauma is different from other life stresses. My son was physically fine to leave the hospital, we were able to care for him at home and he had a follow up appt with the surgeon for 6 weeks. I also knew I could call the hospital if I thought something was wrong. It was all about his physical state.
When we went to the surgeon at 6 wks he was so pleased with the physical recovery. I mentioned that he wasn't bouncing back like his old self. The surgeon said "He might surprise you." Well, he didn't, and I subsequently had to come to the conclusion myself that he needed mental help, establish with a PCP, get a refferal for a psychologist and two months later he was seen for depression.

Even in a wonderful system with competent providers it's hard to get someone to look at the bigger picture of the whole family, etc.. In this case, there were times when it would have been completely appropriate for the Case Manager to have said something to us without any privacy issues. It was a trauma center, I felt they could have helped us more with the aftermath.
That said, we've done well and found the care we've needed.

 

[Joy]

Jawn,

As a fellow carer, I just wanted to say that I felt the same way. I understand that you did not mean to sit in on therapy sessions for the trauma but to be given some guidance on what to do.

When my husband was diagnosed in Oct., I was at a loss for what to do and how to handle what was happening. Our world was turned upside down. I feel that at some point, in the beginning, a session to discuss how to handle things with both your spouse and therapist would be beneficial for all. We are not talking about trauma details here but relationship advice for this scary situation we all have found ourselves in.

I am actually getting to do this tomorrow. I am planning to ask questions like what to expect while my husband is going through therapy and how therapy works. I also want to know how to diffuse certain situations and how I can be most helpful. My husband will be able to tell me what he thinks and the therapist can give us her professional opinion.

I have been looking forward to this session for a long time now.

I hope all is well with you Jawn. I just wanted you to know that I get it and you are not alone.

 

[Jawn]

Thanks Joy. I hope to still get that conversation at some point, but I also know it may not ever happen. Just gotta hang in there and see where the road leads.

Good luck with your meeting and I hope you get some good guidance.

Jawn

 

[jenkins123]

Junebug said

​

I coulld be wrong, but what I am 'hearing' here possibly is frustration at wanting to (but not knowing how) to support someone you love with ptsd and to know how and what to do that is most effective for your relationship and family....one of the biggest forms of consolation and relief is to have their 'sufferer' when they are ready discuss it with their spouse as to what works best for them and between them, specifically. But the sufferer has to understand that much about themself and be ready to verbalize it, too.

​

And Jawn evoked the same point with:​

​

"I have no idea what my role is or if i even have one"

​

While understanding the sufferer's right to total privacy in therapy, I do empathise somewhat with the "lost carer" who just wants to learn how to help, and often feels the best source, if not the sufferer, is the sufferer's own therapist. I recently said to someone that I sometimes feel my relationship's fate is the hands of the therapist's suggestions. I'm not suggesting carers should be able to "defend their side" but just be as much a part as they can in their sufferer's healing.​

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes jenkins I agree (hi!, btw:)), I think a T can be very influential (positive or negative) when someone is desperately searching for answers.

My only reservation to what you described is knowing only as-per-myself that it took a long time and a very long road and some serious suffering and bottoming-out before I went from how you've described your friend as to wanting to change my life and behaviours. Granted I never realized it was ptsd, and it didn't take more than 3 or 4 years before I did an entire turn-around, but I was a cyclone and was in a cyclone until that happened. And to be honest, I think I was luckier than most.

 

[jenkins123]

Hi Junebug
I guess we have to hope/rest assured that a good T will listen to the sufferer's viewpoint of the relationship, but also be able to weed out any distorted thinking, in this way "saving" a potentially healthy relationship for a future date. Well, that's my hope anyway in my personal situation, as in that way the T may be able to encourage/help the sufferer to know that the relationship is "safe" to go back to and not to disgard it forever in a decision made when the trauma was still unmanaged. This is probably also why many carers wish they had a dialogue access too with the sufferer's own T.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes jenkins, I don't think (beyond a really bad T) that the major problem lays there, I think for a ptsd sufferer (speaking only from MHO) the real problem lays within their own self-hatred/ shattered self-esteem and self-worth, reinforced at the very least by being unable to understand, manage or control their symptoms, reactions, thoughts and feelings. That's what I mean I guess- it's essential 'we' get-it-together to be able to love and care for others (properly, and as they deserve).

 

[jenkins123]

I get that, but my concern is that once T and sufferer have a better handle on the sufferer's needs/healing as a individual, I'd hope the T would encourage the sufferer to allow the partner in to help them both "recover" as a couple and develop tools together for a "managed ptsd relationship". What I mean is, while not opening up anything that has gone on in those individual sessions, the T has a long term relationship with the sufferer by then, and therefore seems to me to be best placed to help them as a couple. At that point the carer can at least feel that their future potential in the relationship hasn't been "judged" by someone who doesn't even know them, while also feeling part of the solution when they may have felt so helpless and part of the problem for a good while before.