Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[littleoc]

:) :hug:’s back :D

 

[Freida]

I don’t even know if it’s the OCD or the PTSD that’s got me shaking and wanting to hold back tears. Might be a mix.

Can you tweak this a bit to be less about what is making you want to hold back tears and more about why you won't let yourself cry??

 

[littleoc]

I think I am overwhelmed. I wish I could force my mom to get therapy. I am very worried.

I wish she would have cared to give my brothers therapy. Both of them really, really needed it.

I am going between moments of happily dissociating from my environment and then suddenly coming to in really painful ways. I feel suddenly human and I am hating it because it means I am vulnerable and able to die? That’s sounds kinda funny though. Haha.

I saw a house for sale and I want it. Obviously can’t afford it. It’s neigbboring my sister’s house.

My dad asked his parents to buy him a house. He is a hoarder. He ruins houses. He was in an apartment though. He was lying to my grandmother about having a job. But she and my grandfather bought him a house afterward.

My grandparents bought my mom a house.

Would they buy me a house? I’m tired of being poor. I never want to ask for expensive things. But I am going a little crazy here. I keep getting massively triggered and I can’t talk about it. I hate that it’s so triggering. I hate it.

And no, I’m not worried about being removed from their will. I am hoping they live for another thirty years all happy and healthy. (Is that an unrealistic goal for people in their 80s-ish?) ? I have a hard time having conversations with them and they need to hang out with me long enough that I stop losing my voice. I want to ask more questions about Russia. Well, modern Ukraine. I hope that’s not too personal for you. Fun fact, if you know Russian really well you could actually figure out my last name from the info I’ve given in this diary! Hahaha. Don’t though!

Anyway, I’m tempted to ask for a house. I feel very spoiled. But I think I deserve it more than my dad. I want to tell my grandma how awful it is here. My mom doesn’t seem to know it is anymore. She won’t even go to the ER when she has been told my trained nurses to consider it.

At least she’s not in a coma this time. That’s happened twice. One of them was low blood sugar though. Brandi told me to give her pizza. It worked.

 

[littleoc]

Can you tweak this a bit to be less about what is making you want to hold back tears and more about why you won't let yourself cry??

Hmmmm.

I’m afraid of getting yelled at?
I’m afraid of being offensive.
I’m afraid of being judged.
I’m afraid of starting an aguement.

I guess I could challenge those. It does not currently feel feasible but I will figure it out

 

[littleoc]

Challenging thought:
Maybe I want to make her upset.



Wouldn’t be useful for the twin brother (Mr. Phip) stuff.

 

[littleoc]

I’m upset because she is blaming him a bit. Not exactly but it’s hard to explain. It’s triggering.

But Phip’s wife Julie invited me for pumpkin soup on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Which is nice. She also said she wants to watch movies with me. She wants to be friends.

She seems toxic. She’s going to hurt my brother. But at least she’s okay with a family member.

I am wondering if Julie has bad memories or stressors with Thanksgiving or if she just wanted to make her own food. She has a traumatic past too (does everyone...?) with sexually abusive father and being an orphan after her mom overdosed. I am wondering if maybe Julie didn’t mean to isolate my brother AS much for the holidays. And she’s Christian. So Christmas will be the ham day.

She’s definitely isolating him though. I found out I’m the only one Phip is talking to and he only messaged me once this month. He used to message me daily. He’s supposed to focus on her.

My therapist says this is why I was mad at Obama for a weird reason. I suppose now is a good time to stop typing, though.

 

[littleoc]

Obama is a very nice man, by the way. An odd but sincere sir. Not hating on the human. Just a decision.

 

[littleoc]

And no, I haven’t met him. Sorry for wording that weirdly.

 

[littleoc]

Good news: I bought myself a teddy bear.

 

[littleoc]

I sound spoiled again, I think. It’s just really hard living here. I’m sure other people understand. I doubt I’m alone in this.

It would be easier if I didn’t feel like I was being listened to everywhere. I don’t sing here. Too afraid of being heard.

That’s not my mom’s fault. My father used to listen so he’d know when to punish us. We weren’t allowed to even think a negative thing about him.

 

[littleoc]

Better news: The fridge is still clean :)

It’s nice