Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[somerandomguy]

Oh, littleoc. I hate how you have to live like this so much.

 

[littleoc]

Thanks, @somerandomguy. It’s driving me insane.

I’m not really sure why I care at this point. The memories suddenly don’t feel like mine. That’s not my childhood. I’m not even a real human. I’m just tricking everyone.

Sounds sort of insane but hey. I guess my brain is very convinced.

When I was in kindergarten, two boys named Zach and Jesse and two girls called Nikki and Angel and I were all friends with Mike. Mike’s dad killed him. We all talked about it and found out all of us had mean dads we were afraid of. We wrote wills and gave them to each other. I’m not sure Nikki is alive anymore. I’ve been looking for her. No one knows where she went. The night I spent at her house.

 

[littleoc]

I think I’m going to go take a walk with Nestle.

 

[littleoc]

Okay, I’m good now. Sorry for that. It’s very hard to live here. Everywhere I look is covered in trash and... who knows what, is a place where major abuse took place, or is some other reminder of something. It’s terrible here.

 

[littleoc]

At least I’m not responsible for any bills. That’s cool

 

[somerandomguy]

You really, really don't have to apologize - for many reasons.

 

[littleoc]

Two more. Hopefully this will clear my head.

(1)
The bird room/office I made is in the room I was in as a baby. I do remember it. Too clearly. To the point that I fall into it suddenly out of nowhere, and I can't take the medication that helped with that anymore. The makeshift desk I have is where the baby-changer was. I had a fever on it that was so high that I was hallucinating. I remember my mom explaining to my sister, who was almost six years old, that I was staring at her because I was feverish, but I didn't understand fully what she was saying. Her voice had warped. Sponge the cat the looking at me. Sponge the transgender cat who was unsure what to do with me while Romeo and Zeus and Fuzzy were trying to get an adult's attention. Sponge was probably more aware of the hallucinations that my mom was. My mom was saying that the fever was making me tired. I slipped out of my body and chased something out of the room while I rested. Being a baby is a weird, surreal experience. I was almost a year old. I remember thinking "no, I'm not sleeping. I can hear you."

I used to climb out of my crib and go to my twin's. We used to sneak out at night, so we could explore the house without being in cages.

I put the bird's cage where the bed used to be. This used to be my little brother's room, after my twin and I were suddenly given our own rooms. My little brother was in a crib alone. We would sneak out together but he was more afraid. I would bring him ruined bananas. He always ate more than us in the cages. Our dad would give us one food bowl of pretzels. We would give it to my little brother and he would dump it on his lap and we would eat from his lap while he stuffed his face and coughed from trying to swallow too quickly with too big of dry bites of salty bread stuff. I ate the least. I had too. Twin couldn't emotionally regulate and little brother was going to starve. Little brother used to come wake me up after the cages were stopped. My dad wouldn't feed him. He would be so hungry that he'd be crying in pain. I like to oversleep now because no one is starving. I remember how painful it was to go multiple days with only a light dinner. I don't even know who's fault that was. My dad spend all the money on alcohol and drugs and left us in cages all day.

My little brother wrote his name on the wall when he traded rooms with my twin brother. They would trade again later. Little bro wrote his name and drew a crack in the wall to show how strong he was if he was angry. When he switched rooms, my twin brother drew the symbol of the planet Venus and asked it to kill our father. I put the bird cage in the way of that.

 

[littleoc]

My older sister was put in the garage. She nearly died.

 

[littleoc]

She was found unconscious and with a blood pressure so low that the EMTs couldn't really find it. Her blood-alcohol level was high enough that the doctor had to tell my mom that if she survived, she'd have permanent damage. She needed a machine to breathe. Her body temperature was so low that it was unlikely she'd ever wake up again. Her body would have permanent damage in a million ways. It was the second time my sister was clinically dead. My dad hated her. My pedophile neighbor did this to her. He wanted her drunk, then he left her on the side of the road to die. It should have been me.

 

[littleoc]

My dad wanted my sister dead. It was a punishment to my mom. He wanted to punish us.

After my brother lost his hearing, he started talking more loudly. He would hold his bad ear and wince. My dad hated loud noises. We weren't allowed to make sounds. If we did, we'd have violent punishments. We were too terrified. When my brother started to talk, he couldn't hear how loud he was. He would try to ask for things and it would sound strange. He would say it loudly so he could hear himself. My dad told him to shut up but he didn't hear him. I wasn't allowed to warn him. Suddenly he picked my brother and dragged him screaming. Into the bathroom. Turned on the cold water. Held his face under the running water while he screamed.

He stopped talking after that. Any time a loud noise happened, he would scream. It sounded like a siren. He would beat himself. My mom found him doing that and squeezed him. She couldn't figure out any other way to calm him down. She took him to a pediatrician for help. The pediatrician said that autistic children do this. It was normal. He started going to classes where they taught him how to laugh and when. He didn't know before then. My dad said it was because he wasn't really a human.

 

[littleoc]

I can't stop seeing the cage. The spot in the living room where the cage was is out of reach. It was safe there, as long as he stayed away. Bringing food could be dangerous. If he even remembered.

Doctors say I won't ever be as fast or strong as my peers because of the lack of movement I had as a baby. My mom kept the blanket she used to teach all three of her youngest babies how to crawl, lift our heads, and walk. But then she wasn't allowed to see us much anymore.

When I dissociated in the movie theatre, my mom squeezed me until I was back. They had convinced me not to bring my service dog. I still feel ashamed. I never wanted her to know. She's in so much pain.

 

[littleoc]

(2)
When my dad kept me home to kill me, I sent Brandi a message through email, because not everyone had cell phones yet, telling her I loved her and I was just a drunk. She said she was worried when I didn't come to school the next day after the message. At age 13 I actually had never had a drink. But I didn't know how to tell Brandi that my dad was going to kill me or my little brother or my mom or my sister, but he hadn't decided yet. All I could get out was that I was going to die before I was 18 and so our time together was precious. It meant a lot to her at the time.

When I finally showed up to school, .... I can't remember who took me. My dad maybe. I remember looking out at the world and wishing he'd do what he kept threatening, to crash the car on my side so I'd die. I walked to the class Brandi and I shared in the afternoon. The teacher gave me a worried look and said, "We made ice cream today. Do you want to make ice cream with me?" I started crying because I knew what I was about to do. I was about to tell Ms. Slinker that I was in danger and I needed help. And then I would eat ice cream I made while... maybe they'd get the police to sit with me?

Brandi showed up behind me. She told Ms. Slinker, "Don't worry, Ms. Slinker, she's just got PMS. We'll go outside and talk about it."

And I lost my chance. Outside she said, "I'm protecting you. I assume you didn't want to tell Ms. Slinker. Did I do anything wrong?"

She bragged about how dramatic and cool my life was to several people after that.

It took me another year to get rid of my dad. She took credit for it. She said she and her mom got my mom to see how "weird" my dad was finally. She didn't even care how much I risked.