Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I’m sorry, but I’m not going to call 911. Too much unwanted attention. Probably would just trigger to back when my little brother almost killed himself. Because no one cared and no one listened.

But yeah. I’m afraid of being ignored. Validation of the thought that I don’t matter.

Or worse. Horrible things have happened when I tried to get help. People either didn’t listen or they sent me to something bad.

You have to be able to defend yourself. You can’t ever rely on others because even if they think they’re helping they’re just going to end up causing harm. Or you’ll end up hurting people you love. I don’t want to make any more lists or plans because I have one. I need to get a job and move out. I need to be self reliant and take care of myself and not need anyone.

Yet I’m a failure at that too. I can’t go f*cking anywhere without needing help, and now I’m not going to have a service dog in time so I’ll orobably end up in a worse state when I move out. I can’t get applications done in time because of disabilities and no one cares. I tried to go on vacation a while ago ago and all that happened was my friend Austin had to put aside fun things he planned because I needed help to do things anyone else my age can do. I joined a local yoga group because I’m trying to get my muscles to be atrong for once but instead I’ve gotten weaker somehow and my knees and wrists hurt So badly I can’t do work at home. I cleaned out the bathroom in an OCD fit and ended up with inflamed tendons in both legs and haven’t been able to take out the trash. I’m completely worthless and it won’t natter if anyone tries to help. I can’t even clean my own room. I can’t stop thinking of how going to Iceland just proved how f*cking pathetic I am. I can’t function and k don’t know why I even tried. Moving out isn’t going to help me. It’ll just prove that I struggle everywhere.

I can’t even get a job. I can’t do anything accept make people upset. I just want the pain to stop. I’m tired of memories and I’m tired of trying so hard and ending up even worse than when I started.

One trigger f*cks me up for weeks. I hate toilets. I have been afraid to drink water or eat food all day and I feel like people are listening to me from cameras in the house. My dad used to do that. He’d hide baby monitors around and if we cried he’d march down and beat us. I can still feel him pulled my arm and throwing me in the air. I hate this, I hate this. I would throw up out of stress and he’d rub my face in it and yell “no”.

I wish my dog lived somewhere clean. I’m basically untraining her because I’m too afraid to touch anything dirty. Dont think my OCD has ever been this bad. Doesn’t matter, she should have already retired. And I still can’t take care of myself and now I have no hope of any assistance.

 

[littleoc]

I’ll try to be less negative later. I can’t funftion right now.

 

[littleoc]

This was weird

 

[littleoc]

There’s another one that describes my family twice, lol. (Probably other families.) But ends talking about sexual abuse so I won’t post it

 

[littleoc]

I hope the pedophile across the road died by now. It’s really bothering me that he knows where I live and could show up at any time. He has before and no one did anything about it.

Nestle thinks I’m afraid of mailboxes now.

 

[littleoc]

She probably isn’t wrong. I’ve besn having freak outs any time she gets too close to the pedophile’s mailbox.

I stopped playing basketball because of him. I was killing myself with it though so maybe it was for the best. Not like anyone cared either way. My skin was cracking from how much I overworked them playing and blood would come out of the cracks and soak my gloves, but no one said anything about. Pedophile would just stand on his porch and stare at me. Said I was too old but he’d like me until I was 18. I guess I’m glad he moved.

 

[littleoc]

Why did no one care?

 

[littleoc]

Brandi cared because she thought it was interesting and dramatic. She wanted me to use what I’d learned to please her. I thought that was okay. She was probably being abused too or something.

She went off the deep end though.

 

[littleoc]

I wish these thoughts would stop.

 

[littleoc]

I’m going to keep trying to get out anyway. I just feel hopeless and I don’t know how to express that. Also afraid I’ll de-motivate someone. So I type it here and then try not to act depressed because it makes my mom sad. There’s no worse feeling in the world than making your mom sad on one of her good days.

 

[littleoc]

Trying to see my therapist sooner. It really feels like I’m being a burden again. It’s keeping me from sleeping. Brain thinks dying would be easier than trying to get out. The effort I put into this isn’t paying off. I just feel useless. And I don’t want to talk about it with anyone because they’ll see me as weak. They’ll lose respect for me. They’ll slowly stop talking to me. Or worse, they’ll think the world sucks. Have to stay positive.

 

[littleoc]

I hate that my PTSD suddenly got this bad. One trigger and I can’t even think straight. Only two days in. I hate this.