Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[littleoc]

:hug:’s back @somerandomguy

I will probably fall asleep before you can answer (I’m sorry), but what are you doing up so late/early? :)

 

[somerandomguy]

It's an hour later here :)

And I'm going in to work at 6:00 today :wtf:

 

[Freida]

I think that hate is a normal emotion. And you have a lot of reasons to hate --- Brandi, your dad, your mom, your grandparents, the pedophile -- and those are just the top five. Hate becomes an issue when you get stuck there and can't move past it. But yes - I think it's normal to feel

Then the question is "what do you do now?" How do you let go of it? Maybe you start by allowing yourself the permission to feel it in the first place? Then you can work on letting it pass thru you and letting it go.

So many people have harmed you and yet you are still a loving, caring, amazing woman. That is how you know that you can let it pass thru you and it won't stick in your life. It's ok to feel it.

As for understanding those people and their horrible choices? As so many people here have told me --- you are not capable of understanding that kind of evil. You may always wonder why they do the things they do, how they became that person, what happened to them. But you will never understand. And that's a good thing. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Something kind of weird happened. I was at my psychiatrist's office and we were chatting. Obviously. I told her that I came off of estrogen and decided to tell her the personal details of why. Talking about how my ex sort of "made" me feel inhuman, but ever since I came off of the hormones I've suddenly felt really normal and it feels great. I realized, then, that my psychiatrist didn't really know about the inhuman problem, because I was hiding that from everyone. So, I told her about my ex in vague terms. She never knew I was dating, though I had had her since before Brandi and I broke up, so I briefly explained that she was abusive.

Quickly typing down the new information, my psychiatrist said, "Was it physical or emotional abuse?"

I said, "All of the above."

"How long ago did you break up with him?"

"Her. And... over a year ago."

Complete silence for five solid seconds. Then she casually said "sorry" (for calling Brandi a "him") but her entire voice was different. I rely completely on the sounds of voices and this was an entirely new person I was talking to. Just out of nowhere, as soon as I said "her."

She was a little quieter at the start of the session, also, but after I said that she was... different-er. I have no idea why and I really should have asked because now I'm worried.

But asking about hormones makes sense as a psychiatrist, so it can't have been that. I'm sure something else is just going on in her life. But I'm worried about our next appointment now.

Probably because of Brandi wanting to -- actually no, I'm not gonna discuss that.

Let me just clarify what I mean about something really quick so I don't get confused replies. I have facial blindness and rely on the sound of voices to know who I'm talking to. I have synesthesia (that word always sounds and looks like nonsense, by the way) and voice are colors, as well as emotion, and it comes together in a really complex picture of people. But also confuses the f*ck out of my brain so I frequently think of individuals as multiple people, and it's very confusing when I haven't gotten to know people well enough. Mostly because I meet a person in one mood, and then meet them again in another mood, and if it's different enough I can't connect right away to the fact that they are the same personality. It's weird.

So basically I was already trying to adjust to my psychiatrist being tireder than usual when after I corrected "him" to "her" her tone changed even more.

So I had to assure myself I was talking to my actual psychiatrist and not an impostor AND that she wasn't upset that I was gay. Am gay. So now going back is going to be really difficult.

 

[littleoc]

I'll be honest, that freaked me out way more than seeing Brandi's mom in her office. Which is weird, but whatever. I'm sure it will pass. Really shook me up.

 

[littleoc]

Anyway, I met my case manager. She's better in person than on the phone. Applying now for a job she found for me. It would make me work on Shabbat but I think for now it would be worth it anyway.

She also put me on a wait list for independent housing. She said she's never had a client make it to the housing because it's always full, but it doesn't hurt to be on the list.

 

[Kubash16]

I can understand feeling freaked about it.

 

[littleoc]

Thanks, @Kubash16

Is the 16 new?

 

[Kubash16]

Nah, it’s been there the whole time lol

 

[littleoc]

And you have a lot of reasons to hate --- Brandi, your dad, your mom, your grandparents, the pedophile -- and those are just the top five. Hate becomes an issue when you get stuck there and can't move past it. But yes - I think it's normal to feel

I agree with everything else you said! But this doesn't work for me. Normally I wouldn't be the dork to point that out because you're learning from this too and it doesn't have to match my exact view on life or anything. But I just thought maybe it would help if I clarified? Feel free to ignore me though!

I don't really think what I normal feel is hatred. I think it's hurt and anger that's related to feeling invalid to somebody. I have never hated my mom the way I was hating Brandi when I heard Brandi being talking about. It was incredibly weird and very uncomfortable. I haven't even hated my dad like that before. And I definitely don't hate my grandparents. I'm disappointed in them in a couple of ways because they've failed me and my siblings, but that's different. The closest thing to it is probably the pedophile, I guess, but mostly I just feel pity for him now days. He's sort of irrelevant. I hated him more when I thought he had ruined my life, but now that I know he didn't even come close and was just as pathetic as my father, I don't have strong emotions about it.

Which is why I don't get the emotions I had about Brandi, because she matters even less than the pedophile did in a lot of ways. And on the one hand I am really proud of her for being able to grow, maybe. Because it's not like I want her to suffer. And even if she did it wouldn't exactly make me feel good about anything. And no, I'm not trying to convince myself. My mom keeps saying weird things about how Brandi is stupid and weird and I keep ignoring it because it's completely irrelevant. Even people we hate shouldn't be judged for their likes and dislikes when it comes to favorite hair colors or whatever. It just simply doesn't matter. Which probably means that Fungus is still stepping back from humanity and seeing a big picture -- when that doesn't matter either, because if I want to hate Brandi, it's not going to matter. So I'd rather her not affect me at all anymore, because she's completely irreverent at this point. Just another friend from childhood that I thought I could learn to trust. And now I have better friends in adulthood who actually care much more than she did when we were having sex.

But when I read about lesbian characters getting together in books, sometimes I have to step back and stop feeling anxious, and I know it has something to do with her. I don't want to explain why right now because I have other things I need to get done. I've gotten much better about it and loved it when my two favorite ladies in a kids' cartoon had their first kiss. And in another cartoon that I've been watching now. It's much less of an issue now than it was.

It must have been all the years of Brandi telling me I wasn't gay. I was just disgusting and confused to her. I'm glad I'll never put up with that ever again. I just wish my brain would let her go as completely irrelevant, because she is. Hatred's just not natural for me and I've never felt it this much.

Except for that time when I watched my uncle starve to death. I can't believe that was legal. Or maybe when my dad got away with actual murder, I guess. That feels more relevant. Haha.

And I'm going in to work at 6:00 today :wtf:

Gross D: Did you live?

Nah, it’s been there the whole time lol

Oh, lol. I guess I just call you Kubash in my head!

 

[somerandomguy]

Gross D: Did you live?

Yeah, I'm still here.

You're still making the world a better place, @littleoc.