Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Moral of the story: I need to re-practice my boundaries. If I don’t I could end up really hurt.

 

[littleoc]

Also. I can’t stop thinking about that homeless camp. It really upset me to see that Nashville is okay with that.

One of the people there wasn’t even 18. We have a serious human trafficking problem right now so I’ve been brainstorming ways to get TBI to check on him without police destroying the camp (since homelessness is sort of a crime). I told my mom about all this and she told me that it may be that the boy I saw was kicked out by his parents. It didn’t make me feel any better at all.

I think I’ll bring it up with the rabbi or someone else from there to see if there’s something else that could be done. I’m clearly too little to be putting that much on myself when I can’t even technically help (as in, I can’t fix it — I’m not trying to insult myself).

BUT my trans friend came out to his mom and that really made me happy :)

 

[littleoc]

To be fair, recent studies have shown that fasting can be good for you. Can. In the short term. Longer than 24 hours without food ain’t a good idea.

Haha, I said “ain’t.”

Wish me luck on this new set of jobs I’m applying to, by the way.

I’ve realized that:

Cleaning the house = $2500
Mental breakdown over that failing = $4000
Gas per month = ~$60
Realizing that the “hateful” feeling towards my mom are a weird exaggeration of a survival instinct because she’s accidentally draining every single resource and making us insecure = priceless

I feel like everyone gets the reference, but ten points anyway if you do! ️

Anyway. The realization is important because it proves I’m not my hateful thoughts. I’m not being hateful on purpose. The inability to communicate effectively puts us both in danger, according to my very human instincts. It’s just how it is. It doesn’t mean i hate her, it means we are a toxic team and my brain has decided we’ve put enough effort into it. Any more and we might — according to thousands of years of finely tune instinct — die.

I kinda feel the same about modern living in the United States but this isn’t a political discussion.

 

[Freida]

I scared the crap out of her when I found out. She hasn’t talked to me since, lol. I wasn’t even mean.

As you should have!!!

I feel like everyone gets the reference, but ten points anyway if you do! ️

:laugh: :roflmao:

 

[littleoc]

Okay, I told my mom about the weird ass people pointing out that I’m related to my grandparent. She assured me that they were extremely rude, even if they’d have been talking about an “actual” famous person. Like real famous. Like Patrick Swayze or Tim Burton or someone like that. It’d still be weird af. So next time I should make them feel more rude about it. Because it was. And it was weird and unwarranted. People stare at me enough.

 

[littleoc]

As you should have!!!

YEAH DUDE

 

[littleoc]

I’m not even in the music industry. I decided it was not for me... I don’t have an IMDb page, ....Actually that person who called my grandpa famous must be a serious nerd. People know Taylor Swift, for example, but not who records her or who does her songwriting or background music. Dafuq?

(I’m not saying my grandparents work with her specifically, it was an example.)

Most people are cool but these weirdos made me anxious. I’ll quit talking about it now. I’m almost 100% positive it won’t happen again.

 

[littleoc]

Oh also I found out (like two hours ago) that my mom was sexually abused by her dad as a kid. So that’s a thing. It makes sense.

I told her she should go see a doctor when she gets insurance again. I’m like 95% positive she has fibromyalgia or something (I AM NOT A DOCTOR though). Her skin hurt today.

Anyway, my grandma is back to being generous so I still can’t tell if I was paranoid earlier or if it’s abuse-brain trying to think I’m crazy again.... so I decided to not worry about it and go with the flow but carefully in case there are jellyfish. (I like sharks, so I’m not using that metaphor :P)

My mom confessed to having no income and my grandma said she doesn’t need to pay rent again until she gets another job. So that was very nice.

I almost sent a mean ass text to my dad after he sent a rude text to me, but decided not to in case he shows it to my grandma to try to indirectly manipulate me.

Things be how they be.

Also, my f*cking dad is texting me again, like way more than he should be, and he has ANOTHER woman just leaving him with a child. I swear to Goodness this is driving me insane.

 

[littleoc]

Also also the neighbors have started bringing their children in bikinis to the formerly-the-pedophile’s residence. I know he isn’t in there now but I am getting insanely angry every time I see adults bring kids there. Especially in bikinis. It’s sick. But at the same time I can’t tell them because it would mess up my neighbor’s comfort. Also I still feel forbidden to discuss the place. I hear that’s normal for kids who go through that but it still upsets me anyway.

The man who lives there now has PTSD too. He’s asked me inside to have coffee and chat about service dogs and life but I can’t. I just can’t. He must have gotten something from my reaction because he offered to have me at the garage while he works on his car, or his boat, or on his workshop furniture, but the garage is where... I just can’t. It breaks my heart that’s I can’t form a connection with a neighbor. But I just can’t and telling him why is waaaaay out of the question. Dude has like five dogs in his backyard he wanted me to meet and I swear it took all I had not to throw up all over myself.

Dude still tells me hi though. So I just try not to look when he opens the front door to let his daughter in.

Makes me feel better that he seems to get that I don’t hate him. He might think I’m afraid of HIM though and that really bothers me for some reason. Can’t figure out why, though.

 

[Freida]

Makes me feel better that he seems to get that I don’t hate him.

He might think I’m afraid of HIM though and that really bothers me for some reason.

I wonder if you realize on some level that you are blaming him for someone else's actions? I think it would be completely normal because you were so traumatized in that place. Of course you would think anyone who lived there was going to turn into a monster. I feel the same way about the entire state of texas :laugh:

But it's also a chance to step back and see -- its a house. Just a building. It doesn't have memories so it can't taint the people who live there. It cant turn them into monsters. It's just a building with 4 walls and a roof and a yard and it's possible that kids can be safe there - because it is the people, not the building, that create the pain. I can't do that yet, but it's an interesting exercise about places of abuse vs abusers.

 

[littleoc]

That’s a really good idea, @Freida! Both ideas, haha.

I feel like I’m aware that this dude isn’t out to get anyone, so that’s good. I think I think it’s the house.

Come to think of it, I always associate rooms with activities. One reason I’m unwilling to change which room is my bedroom is because (minus the effort of moving things being literally impossible right now) the “energy” in the new room would be different. But, you know... that’s not really how things work. It’s a projection. Which I’ve always been aware of but you know.

Might be worth messing with it. I wonder if it’s an OCD thing?

 

[littleoc]

Also I STILL can’t tell the difference between flirting and grooming. I just realized that today. I was flirting, things were fine. She flirted back. My mind went immediately to, “She’s trying to get you comfortable.” For what?? I have boundaries now! I could always just quit talking to people who show a red flag!

I think I’m worried about the independence thing again or something.

Probably seeing all these people with their red love glassss on, not seeing red flags. Those people must be making me worry about myself too much. But all my friendships are going amazingly. Great boundaries, no abuse between us. So why not have that with someone else? Not like I can’t take it slow if I need to. I mean, if they want fast and don’t want to wait for me, then we probably aren’t a good match anyway.

Oof, I sound like a soap opera now ?