Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[LuckiLee]

You're having such a hard time trying to figure out your relationship with Brandi and I don't think you ever will. You were two very young girls with alot of personal trauma in your lives. For whatever reason you needed each other at that time. It was a very toxic relationship even though you loved one another.

I'm glad you're trying to process it. Very smart and brave of you.

XO

 

[mumstheword]

You were scapegoated by Brandi, littleoc.
She used you, and then treated you very contemptuously and discarded you for Jamie.
Honestly? You are too nice and kind for both of them.
You show them up. You are smart, courageous and caring.
They were petty, bitchy and no way as bright as you and Brandi betrayed you horribly.
No, you weren't abusive to her, she manipulated you and used you, horribly, heartlessly and cruelly.
I'm going to put out there that they actually envied you and that the mean exclusion, accusations and contempt towards you, came from a place of envy, born of a sense of inferiority.
Brandi felt inadequate when she compared herself to you, she resented that and punished you with nasty heartbreaking betrayal. I could be wrong, I'm just going on what I've read of this situation, please discard if this doesn't ring true.
You didn't deserve the way she treated you. She predated on you. You helped her and she betrayed you.
So sorry @littleoc . You are so lovely, kind and brilliant. Too awesome for Brandi, she never deserved you.

 

[littleoc]

Actually, no, I will quote one more thing.

I feel that talking about all this is hard, and I'm afraid of the responses I'll get. Because talking about it is hard, so confusing.

SUBJECT: Sorry... It's stupid.

I was just thinking about my future come January, if it goes like I'm hoping. I could actually almost see it, [@littleoc]! I could! I started crying and crossing my fingers. I'm scared because I'm so hopeful about this. It's freaking me out how excited and hopeful I'm feeling... It really, really is. I wanna know if we got a reaction out of [one of my characters who could see stories]. It's almost overwhelming, and I'm hoping that it's not just a reaction to me wanting this so badly.

I don't know what to do.. I wanna talk to [character] about it. In my mind, while daydreaming about my future, I swear I could almost see him! It was nearly as clear as that dream I had. Do you think that means anything?

Oh, I feel like I want to start crying again. Out of happiness. I don't know.. It's really powerful.. I hope it isn't just wishful thinking because I feel like I can almost grasp it. Almost.

Call me as soon as you can... Sorry for bothering you earlier. I just.. There's so much based on all of this, and, with the extremely positive feelings I'm getting right now, I'm scared that they might fall through. I don't want it to happen. It cannot happen.

Feels like mutual respect on first read.

Gets weirder the more I look.

It felt so real, and I wonder if I believed it too? But, I can see the desperation and... pleading that I confirm it?

But how was there "so much based on all of this"? (There's that "all 'this'" again. Referring to an entire world... universe.) How in the world?

I remember being struck by that. Feeling immensely guilty, confused. Scared. I would try asking adults for help soon. Then I would try my second(?) attempt at admitting I "lied," which would result in her not loving me ever again. Constantly holding it above my head that I lied. Yet, forgiving the characters who lied to her..... hm.

Why was she putting so much stock into this future that was actually impossible?

As Fungus, I tried to guide her often away from unrealistic goals. They were literally destroying her. She believes wholeheartedly that she cannot be happy without a perfect purpose, a perfect career, a perfect changing-the-world moment. Telling her it wasn't possible would cause nervous breakdowns, so I would ask questions about her specific goals to try to teach her to be realistic in getting to her future (rather than expecting it to just happen without any effort).

I remember one of the exact moments that she started investing too heavily, but I didn't see it for what it was at the time. I thought she was impressed with my amazing skills of coincidence.

In the story we were acting, I told her that she was the daughter of a queen. I was the queen. (I know, it's silly, but we were kids. It wasn't supposed to be convincing.) She suddenly gasped and was completely surprised. She had remembered, suddenly, that when her mom got pregnant, she almost lost her before birth a couple of times. She remembered that when her mother gave birth, a nurse acted suspicious and wouldn't let her see Brandi.

Apparently, this was evidence for the truth in my story.

It was getting out of hand before I knew it was.

She said she saw shadow people. Well, I knew all about shadow people. So I explained to her who they really were, making up cool stories.

She started asking more and more about their world.

Now I am several whole societies of them, a diversity of cultures that are both weirdly human and definitely not. I am completely crazy, I guess.

That was not a nice thing for me to say to me. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy.

And then there is Fungus and the god.

Jesus christ.

 

[littleoc]

For whatever reason you needed each other at that time. It was a very toxic relationship even though you loved one another.

This made me want to cry for some reason?

I felt guilt but also some relief. Hard to describe.

Brandi felt inadequate when she compared herself to you,

This... weirdly matches up to something..

One morning at 3am, while I was pulling an all-nighter finishing a paper (back when I could do all-nighters... weird to think about how I used to work all the time and never sleep!) she suddenly texted me out of the blue. The text said, "Sometimes I really, really hate you."

I tried to not get depressed. I sent a funny picture captioned, "Haters gonna hate!"

But it really got to me. I decided to attempt explaining that... but Brandi got frustrated. She said she was tired of being made to feel bad because of me being oversensitive. She was tired of being labeled as the bad guy. She had a right to hate me, because she was sick and tired of her family comparing her to me -- asking her why I went to college but not her. She implied I should not have gone to college without her. She started saying she hated herself for getting too anxious to apply.

She was overwhelmed. She hated life. She said she expected me to save her, but instead I was living my life, and she resented that, enough to hate me. And worst of all, sometimes I asked her for support with my problems.

She told me that if I really was going to kill myself, I should just not tell her, because she was overwhelmed. I respected this, but long after I was better, she kept saying I was telling her too much. She would dump her entire life on me, and then tell me that me saying I was slightly down was too much. I was told my emotions were stupid and annoying to her.

Why did I stay friends with her after it got this sour? Because I truly believed she needed me. I wanted to help her. I wanted to see her go to college, or get that job. I had learned to stick around during her worst moments, because she'd come through. But after 2015... she never came around ever again. She went to Jamie. and I just kept waiting for her...

I really hope she got help. Untreated BPD.

I am having a lot of mixed feelings?

 

[littleoc]

I seriously can't wait until I'm a real real adult, and this no longer bothers me.

What a weird relationship.

I'm glad that I'm too a point that, if she were to suddenly forgive me like she did to Jamie after that email, I would not want to be her friend again.

I think we're an incredibly bad combination.

 

[littleoc]

I feel slightly better. It worked.

Big breath of relief. I will never have a friend like this again. I'm free to move on.

Sometimes I suddenly realize how free I am and am so happy I'm free that I can't believe it's true.

Probably because of that year that she didn't think any of "this" existed anymore -- and then suddenly at the end of the year, asked about it.

I hate myself for going along with it. I should have never done that.

But... something tells me the relationship was going to get bad anyway. Something was wrong.

Can't shake the feeling it was still my fault.

I think it's time to do something else. I've done a lot of work on this today, and I forced myself to do it. I am not missing Brandi, but I am grieving her and hoping she's okay. But I still never want to talk to her again. Even if I do forgive her, even if she forgives me. (But was it really my fault?)

 

[somerandomguy]

I will never have a friend like this again. I'm free to move on.

You're older now ... you're an adult. A real adult. You'll never have a relationship like this again, so firmly rooted in middle school drama. And if someone tried to stir up drama with you again, you know enough to walk away. You can do that now.

Can't shake the feeling it was still my fault.

I know. I understand. I do this sometimes now: when I feel like this, I go to a mirror, look myself in the eyes, and tell myself out loud "It was not my fault." It's very difficult. But for some reason it makes me feel better.

 

[mumstheword]

I seriously can't wait until I'm a real real adult, and this no longer bothers me.

What a wei...

I think you will keep "mining" your memories of the relationship for "wisdom gems".
Don't feel guilty for going over stuff, it's how we learn from our mistakes and poor relationship choices.
Brandi (bless her poor, young, untreated soul, I've been hard on her) and you were both mixed-up girls and I've no doubt, that you helped each other through some rough, lonely times, but she exemplifies a classic predatory manipulator (in my opinion) . I think, the more you think through and process the stuff that feels so disempowering, invalidating, distressing and confusing, the more you can recognise and take action to protect yourself from being treated in a way that denies you agency and validation, in future.

 

[littleoc]

I think you will keep "mining" your memories of the relationship for "wisdom gems".
Don't feel guil...

I feel a little confused about whether she was bad or not.

I don't think she was at first, but the longer we were friends, the worse it got. She stopped trying to get to know me, she stopped being kind to me, she stopped caring about me, but I never gave up. I could tell she was stuck and needed help. But she was so cruel to me.

It wasn't black and white. She would constantly accuse me of being a bad friend. I think it's not impossible that it was some kind of mental distortion. But I also think she treated me like shit and I deserved to have other friends period, but especially ones who actually cared about me.

And then I worry that I am the abusive one. She was very black and white about it... that I am abusive and a liar and evil. And I have a very hard time shaking that.

I was so triggered by @Mal Content and others spamming the site because of that. I shouldn't discuss that here, though, probably (not because I'm afraid to, but because I genuinely think it would be inappropriate to analyse that). But I did make a post about how it dehumanized the staff. Those kinds of games make the other person inhuman... and I feel so inhuman.

I really hate that this happened. I really wish I had never met Brandi. At the same time, I hope she finally takes my advice and tries to get better.

A therapist told me both that sometimes you need to let others go to let them heal... and also that Brandi definitely knew, without a doubt, that the world wasn't real. That the behaviors I described were manipulative, were bad signs, were red flags. But I was a kid, raised in a shitty environment. So it was hard to see it for what it was.

I think I'm confused because my brain is trying to make sense of the two views I have. The contradicting opinions. The, "Damn, what a witch, she had no right to do that," and the "I feel so bad for her and I want her to get help."

I guess the truth of the matter is that it is actually okay for these two to coexist. I can be angry and say "f*ck you, Brandi," and I can also hope she gets well. It's true that she went through shit and was having such a shitty time, such an incredibly human struggle... but it doesn't mean that I was the bad one, or that she had any right to treat me how she did.

That must be why I keep fearing that no one will believe me, that I really was the evil one... because if one of us had to be evil... I wasn't able to put that label on her. Because that's not how I think. So I just assume it's hard to believe, and therefore I must be the bad one?

I should go make myself some dinner.

My mom is visiting me tomorrow, so (1) hopefully my phone works and (2) hopefully I can chillax now so she doesn't worry.

I accidentally let it slip to my mom recently that Brandi gave me death threats sometimes. My mom's reaction was, "Well, I didn't know that." She's always mad at me for keeping secrets. She has been since I was 13 and "admitted" a neighbor had raped me once. (I minimized it because her reaction was making me so uncomfortable...) She said, "No more secrets between us." But my entire life has been about secrets and lying, I felt like. So I just felt terrible.

Yet I also feel terrible when information is "forced" out of me with pressure. It makes me upset too. But in reality I can refuse. Most people respect privacy, most people don't attack you.

My mom does act weird when I won't say what's bothering me. Like she suddenly feels offended.



Edit to add:
I was forced to tell my mother by a social worker I had in the hospital. She forced me to tell my mom. I didn't know my mom well enough. I tried to open up more after that, but then it got weird because of trying to figure out why I couldn't enjoy sex when I was under 18.... my mom was seriously trying to be helpful, a doctor was between us and it shouldn't have been weird, yet I've been afraid to talk about it on this site.

I stopped telling my mom things. Brandi didn't want me to talk to my mom anyway. And my mom would say nasty things about Brandi and I was tired of defending her.


Editing one more time to add:
I felt like I was lying to my mother. I got angry at her for showing pity. My mom was raped when she was 13. I feel im both invalidating her and also that she shouldn't have told me that, but I don't understand why I feel either of those because neither make sense to me most of the time. I try not to think about it.

 

[littleoc]

I feel calmer now. Exhausted, though.

 

[littleoc]

I wish my phone was working so I could get delivery food. But I only have $12 right now so I should probably save it... lol

 

[littleoc]

Fun story!

I dropped my phone in my dog's water bowl this morning. It's most likely going to make it, though! We opened it up and saw no water in the circuits, battery, or anything else important. So, there was no need to airdry. Did for a few minutes anyway before carefully putting it back together. Now it's in rice and packs of silicone beads, getting the moisture out of the charging port. Hopefully it makes it!

If not, I can buy a new charging port for $8 on Amazon Prime, then pay someone to install it :)