Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Feeling weird after a day visiting a friend a couple of hours away and wrote to my other friend about it, and this came out

 

[littleoc]

The thing that triggered my depression last whenever that was was that my mom woke up and chose anger and decided to have a bad day, and wouldn't stop for five straight hours while I had to stand there and wait for her to decide her plans before I could go off to do my own plans. I ended up having to cancel my plans because I felt like I just went to work at the animal ER with a boss who was telling me I was killing every animal I touched

Ended up just sleeping. For over a week. Couldn't eat, could barely drink. Got up a couple times to pee. Chronic fatigue flared up so bad I genuinely thought I was going to die. And I was kind of hoping I would.

Moving back into my mom's house was, as usual, a mistake. I hate it here. I hate living with people who don't stop talking.

I don't HATE my mom, but she doesn't even feel like my mother, honestly, and I don't want her to know that. I love her but I seem to only like her if I don't live with her. And she can't live on her own, and I no longer trust my sister to take her in. My sister got raped by her ex husbands, who then told the police that SHE assaulted HIM (a slap in self defense), which caused them to arrest her and put her in a cotless room over night. That's all the police ever do for this family is make everything worse.

But now my sister is an alcoholic who can't get over her ex, my 7yo nephew is the most emotionally stable guy in my family besides me and my little brother, I guess, and my sister is CONSTANTLY doing stupid shit that, like, you'd expect of a 15yo, and she's constantly triggered my MOM'S PTSD, and once again I am the only person in this entire family who can get anything done, ever.

And I'm stupid as shit. And fragile. Went through too many years of this never ending drama as a teenager. My mom constantly jokes that I'm HER mom and I kept telling her it's not funny. I'm tired of the emotional incest and the fact that any time I get out, I only get pulled back in, and every time is worse than the last, and I get glued in harder and harder.

My mom filled up her brand new room my Bestie and I cleaned out so much that she can't walk in it. Girl needs a walker. Has to hazardously use a cane in that stupid room.

So I have to clean it out. Again. I have cleaned every room in this house out multiple times. It never ends. I hate this house. I hate my life.

I'm glad I moved back for the cats. I am suicidal every day but I love my cats more than I love my own comfort, and the house WILL NOT be safe for them if I'm not around.

And that's all there is to it.

One day I'll disappear and you bet that'll be the best day of my life.

This is easier to cope with that the suicidal anxiety, though. So that is lovely. Not being sarcastic.

My mom was depressed all this week also and said she needed me around to avoid getting worse. I sat around talking at her. Glad she likes her kids but I can't listen to her talk about depression anymore. Or vent to me about how badly all my siblings are doing.

Yes, we all live in this stupid country, of course we're all suffering. All of us are homeless or close to it, none of us have enough money for food, and nothing has gone well this year, has it? Literally is there anything going well for any of you?

 

[littleoc]

At least I'm not with my ex. She didn't know you were supposed to wash your genitals. Literally, she didn't. I taught her to when we were adults and she acted very embarrassed. Narcissists find that sort of thing traumatic.

No offense to any narcissistic who's not abusive and my ex.

 

[littleoc]

I think I had a good time earlier. I had sex. I still can't figure out how to have an orgasm but whatever. Maybe it's these stupid anti depressants.

Anyway, toodles, gonna go eat, uh, cake? Cupcakes? A chocolate bunny? Just something nice n sweet I suppose lol, love me some sweets :) that's a good thing that's happened, I suppose. Spring celebrations and candy and sweets. I could make cookies.

 

[littleoc]

I've been wanting to run away since I was three years old. I did a few times and ended up having to come back because adults kept forcing me to go home. No one can force me anymore.

 

[littleoc]

So why am I coming back here.

 

[littleoc]

Because my animals are important to me.

 

[littleoc]

I need outpatient or something. Good god. No way I can get that right now. I guess I don't even care. I'm so tired of telling people problems. It must feel as bad as when my mom tries to lean on me.

 

[littleoc]

Cupcake time :)!

 

[Defaultxlove]

I would love a cupcake right now!

I hope you can find ways to feel better your situation is tough but you are worth it

 

[littleoc]

Thank you

I finally went inside and found my mom, having not slept, sitting at the dinner table because her neuropathy stuff is making her feel stabbing pains in her hands and feet and knees so bad that she can't sleep :/ She had a good day with my sibling tho

Gonna eat cheesecake :) and a cupcake. Why not lol

 

[littleoc]

I'm not sure I'll be sleeping with the only sound being the sounds of suffering