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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Had to cancel therapy today. Disappointed because I really needed it. I don't really have a good therapist right now but. Still would've been nice maybe? Or not. Last session I left so much more depressed than when I arrived and she would not stop insisting that I must be heartbroken about my dad, for some reason. 🤔
My reasons to live paragraph is 89 words long, versus my suicide plan being 73 words. Not that they SHOULD be compared for any sort of conclusion, but the reasons to live, despite literally mostly being just more things I need to do work for, still win out.

Just a little joke, not going to do anything right now. Don't want my animals to deal with that obviously.
I don't really feel resentment towards anyone, pretty much ever, but I do feel a weird sort of frustration and sadness that I feel forced to stay alive because of people around me? Not sure. Having a really weird time I guess. Not even sure why I'm writing this to be honest, maybe just getting it off me so I can think about something else. I'm gonna try to shower and brush my teeth tonight and hopefully that'll feel so much better that I'll be cured
Okay, doing better again.

I have a flare up of uhhhh chronic fatigue/ME and slept for days, unfortunately

But am being my calories back and getting rehydrated :)

And I got out of the house for a while it and got me out of the depression cycle. I know what triggered the depression, I think, but will talk about it later.