Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

My personal OTHER pet theory is that being related to immigrant farmers made and being raised funny where I took care of my own medical care most of the time growing up made ME into a farmer who only visits the doctor when I can't finish building the fense lol
 
No updates :P

I did not go to the doctor today. I rescheduled -- I was too tired to go (and stomach upset isn't helping with the dehydration lol) and didn't have any gas money. I don't feel like getting stuck in the city :P

I have IBS and (undiagnosed, but likely) narcolepsy, don't panic, I'm okay lol
 
Putting this here for future me

(this was a casual conversation between me and a friend, with lots of small inside jokes. in other words, neither of us were being insulting by saying a child was annoying, it was related to something else from another conversation; so if you read it and think someone is being rude, don't worry about it)

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Hahaha I sound crazy out of context sometimes. I guess we all do when we're ill and occasionally off our meds

Edit to add: Actually, I have been feeling out of it. I feel like I exist, but above myself. Not fully like I'm depersonalized, maybe, but like I can't seem to connect with my own brain? Like, I am doing well and am happy, but I feel like Wile E Coyote running off a cliff but not falling because I haven't looked down, but without the depression.

I feel like I am more like the me I know, lately, but somehow also disconnected in a way that is making me feel like I'm unhinged or not all there.

Likely related to brain damage? Like, I can't see the entire picture. I'm the lady who had a stroke, and suddenly the world on the left was gone. When she realized that there MUST still be a world on the left, her brain couldn't compute it, so to be able to eat all the food on the left side of her plate, instead of turning left until it was on her right, she turned right almost a full 360 degrees -- because the left side of her world was gone.

I feel like a three-dimensional critter walking through a world that is four-dimensional, and I don't even know what I look like to everyone or how to take care of the "left"/4D side of myself. And everyone else is seeing things I can't, and yet I'm still "smarter" than several of them (intelligence isn't real, we're all smart in different ways, which is why my service dog is smarter than me), but being treated like an idiot because of something Different about me.

Does that make sense? Like, not depersonalized, not even fully out of place, but just like that last head injury in 2017 did something special that's making me unable to see reality properly.

That, plus the schitzoaffective disorder, are making me feel oddly unhinged, and like there's some secret side of me that I can't see. It's no wonder I thought I had DID in the past! This is all very confusing.

Thankfully, under careful supervision during 2022, no evidence came up for DID.

Occasionally I get to see the full, outside view of all my dimensions, usually because of talking with my best friend, and it also feels very odd.

For example:

I was getting ready to see a new type of doctor for the first time, and needed to list my symptoms so that the doctor would be able to diagnose me correctly. I wrote my list of symptoms, one of them including frequent urination.

Oh, man, it was so outside my "right/no left" world it's difficult to describe. Goodness gracious that's a weird, uncomfortable feeling. I feel like I died partially and am halfway in one world and halfway in another, lol. I feel like I'm wrapping my head around something too large to picture. I'm doing the equation in my head that proved that the universe is curved and not flat.

I kept explaining to my bestie over and over that the frequent urination WAS the main symptom, and it felt like he was standing slightly outside my "right/no left" world and the sound waves he was speaking were slightly in that 4th dimension I don't have access to. He was a higher being for a moment there, haha. So he had to help me picture it.

And basically, long story short, I came to this epiphany I'm having here, that he was telling me that I couldn't see what was wrong with me, and that's why he had to come to my appoint, and the symptoms I was listing were nonsensical or unrelated. But I genuinely couldn't tell because the part that's wrong now, that wasn't when I started this journal (THAT I KNOW OF), is something my brain is refusing to sense.

I'm the patient with stroke brain-damage, asking the doctor why there's a mysterious, unexplained pain that seems to be coming from nowhere. And when he says I haven't been washing a wound on my left leg, I genuinely can't understand him, and I'm replying, "Okay, but listen, I'm having to drink so much more water than usual."

And it's giving me the genuinely sickening, a motion-sickness type of feeling from trying to think so hard about it, that I feel unhinged and like I'm acting strange to people around me, but I can't figure out how to correct it because I don't have any idea what people are even looking at.

And that conversation gave me those same kinds of ebbie jeebies. I think. Where I can agree with it while I'm reading it, but I can't recall anything around them. But hey, at least I'm doing well, and at least a lot of people don't seem to notice anything!

WAIT THAT WAS IT. I can't notice it because.... no, wait I said that.

I can't remember what's wrong, so... I don't even know where I'm struggling?

Eh, whatever, I have the idea probably, hahahahaha. I feel like, brain damage aside, we all get this feeling occasionally once we get past what therapy is culturally based around. Into the actual unknown of why we have an identity that can be shaken at all. Just be Buddhist about it, I guess 🤔 🫠
 
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I ate for the first time in two days and the sensation was amazing 😌

Was too tired yesterday and today to eat, apparently, I dunno lol -- better now tho :)
 
I am a bit depressed from doing too much this week. And anxious, because I need to do one more thing tomorrow, and honestly, I'm just really tired and I was to nap and be left alone. But my mom's in the other room and I felt like it was necessary to wake her up because it's 6pm and she was snoring with her cpap off.

I have not been getting food stamps since November last year and the office would not return calls or call me for scheduled appointments, so I had to go in person to figure out the problem. Not sure what happened, honestly, but I really hope I get backpay, because it really did take me all these months to muster up the energy to drive down the the county capital to talk about it. And it was very uncomfortable.

My service dog is officially way too old, and I am genuinely not functioning without her well, tho I have stopped retraining her on most things because I want her to just decide what effort she wants to put in. She's smart enough for that. I'm honestly shocked she's still alive, so I guess I'm doing something right, or at least she is, but. yeah. I'm very worried at this point because I am homeless, stuck in the house I've had a goal to move out from since I was 10 years old or whatever (not counting the goals to stay here to save money to be able to afford something much better by my mid 20s-early 30s), and STILL have no prospects of getting another dog to help me. And keep having people tell me to just cope without her. I do try occasionally, and can do some things alone, but I'm in legal trouble because of my fears with just the dog being slow now and doing less work. I'm very worried. And very overwhelmed because absolutely nothing is working out lately. I really want to move to another country or something.

But anyway. Enough of having symptoms of hopelessness lol
 
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