I tried to challenge the OCD again last night. It wasn’t a full success, so maybe not the best use of my time, but I tried!
The floor in the bathroom feels so dangerous. I feel extreme anxiety if anything touches it, especially if I do. There’s been a dirty towel on the floor for two months at least because of that. I feel I need gloves or something to remove it and get it cleaned. Same with the rug.
When the staff come in to clean it occasionally (I’m still in a dorm hall despite not being a student) they bleach the floor and toilet (that word alone makes me uncomfortable) and then for about a day I feel okay in there, but still won’t touch the floor. I wear shower flip flops in the shower, and I must fix the drain cap only with my shoe (my suitemate keeps removing it, and the open drain really freaks me the f*ck out, not certain why at this point). I picked up the drain cap once to hit it against the trash can side to remove dog fur — ended up dropping it like a hot waffle because I was having physical reactions to touching a “dirty item” — was highly anxious for WEEKS.
Since they came in and unclogged the shower drain, I’ve felt a bit better.
Last night I showered, got perfectly clean enough to be in pajamas and be able to be in clean sheets. I had washed my hair so I had shampoo bottles on the lip of the shower (so, not on the floor and not on the bottom of the shower — I consider the lip cleaner than both places, but still not very clean). I picked up the bottles to put them way, and then a few drops of water landed on my feet.
Probably not a big deal, normally? I’ve seen people walking around barefoot in the nasty-ass kitchen when some dumb resident flooded it with dirty water, so I’d say a drop of water shouldn’t be bad compared to that. But water makes me feel even dirtier than actual dirt. (In fact, I’m actually fine with dirt.)
My normal reaction would be to immediately take another shower. But first debate it because of time and water usage. Last night I decided to try to sit with the high anxiety I was feeling, and try to challenge my logic.
It worked for about two minutes and I was proud, but then I couldn’t handle the anxiety anymore. Also realized I couldnt dirty my bed so I couldn’t get into it unless I was 100% clean. (There’s a percentage in my head, sort of.) And if I did I might get nightmares or... something. Who knows
So I went back and poured alcohol on my feet. It worked. Good enough.
It’s a minor success, but not enough for... much. I have had other OCD things Fade more naturally, without work. Like being able o Kay on the floor suddenly, if it looks at least mostly clean. So maybe I shouldn’t push myself that much again. The bedtime routine is currently mostly harmless. Petting my dog doesn’t make me think I’m getting things dirty. Unless she’s oily, but I try not to bathe her too often.
I like how just talking about this makes me a bit anxious. Then again, I’m pretty anxious today. I really dislike that bathroom. I’ve done better in previous bathrooms I’ve had. They put me in a very old, very bad room so maybe it’s messing with me.
