Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Freida]

It worked for about two minutes and I was proud,

You should be proud! The amount of time doesn't matter as much as the action. So two minutes? that is huge!

 

[littleoc]

Maybe @Freida! It’s definitely better than nothing!

Hopefully it’ll go away more naturally. I’m not so sure if I should be messing with it, but I like to think OCD isn’t taking over my life, so it doesn’t hurt to make sure it isn’t.

I knew a girl once (I think she was a girl?) who literally identified as her OCD. Wanted people to accept her and not try to fix her, which is fair, except she called it discrimination if they said they were worried, or if they did anything that triggered her OCD. She showed up as a guest at a talk I was in and talked about her life not as a sufferer but as a person who needed things a certain way and how it was terrible that the medical community was discriminating against who she really was. Honestly it was the most terrifying speech I’d heard besides like two others, so I promised myself I’d never end up like that, misinforming an entire poor audience. (Most of them were under 18, but still we’re giving her shocked looks. OCD is not a personality type. IENP is though.)

 

[Freida]

Yea.....no. You are much to self aware to go down that road. That is someone who knows there is a problem, refuses to do the work and expects the world to change to suit her. Accommodations are one thing. Expecting everyone to act as you want is a totally different issue.

I think as long as you keep to the baby steps of "how does this feel for a minute or two" you are challenging yourself. But maybe any more than that should be supervised by your T just to make sure you aren't adding to it instead of taking away

 

[littleoc]

Sounds like a plan!

 

[littleoc]

I haven’t done it on here because I’m afraid of reactions and of hurting people. But I’m trying really, really hard to overcome confusion from what I guess counts as brainwashing from the pedophile.

I remember my dad telling me that evil people didn’t exist, though, and he had so much back up fact, but the main one was that everyone thinks they’re doing the right thing. I’m guessing he didn’t think that...? Does it matter?

But the things the pedophile taught me about loving dogs. I can’t figure out if it’s wrong. I know this sounds entirely f*cked up, but I can’t figure out if Billie the dog got PTSD or really felt okay with everything. I just remember the pedophile teaching me about how to be polite about it, insisting that you couldn’t do it if they didn’t want it, and he explained in detail what that meant and why, for example, he didn’t have sex with the puppy. Because she was underage, and you can’t teach a person (the dog) that you only like them for their genitals, and anyway that’s sexual abuse. They should be allowed to go through puberty first and get to know themselves or else they won’t have the appropriate boundaries and won’t know what they don’t want, and will grow up traumatized and not appreciating sexual things at all. Which he respected if he had a dog who didn’t.

What the f*ck am I even typing? Jesus

 

[ILoveLife]

Jesus, that guy was a disgusting being.

You're free from him, @littleoc.
He didn't pass his shit unto you.

 

[littleoc]

I hate that I’m confused about this

It also bothers me that he said I was mature for my age and that’s why I could make cool decisions about being with an adult. Not dating or anything. But also I was a white person and therefore secretly evil (until he changed his mind on that before promptly losing it and nearly dying of either guilt, shame at being like the white man (in his view), or fear of prison).

It makes sense in my head but doesn’t when I type it, but I’m afraid of weird things in my search history even if I use something like SweetSearch (a science peer-reviewed-only searching algorithm). My dad used to stalk my search history. He was extremely good with computers, had been messing with them before they became a normal thing to have in a home. He’s stupid socially, he writes and talks like a third grader on his best days, but his computer skills have troubled even authorities. It’s also why I even know what the deep web is but I am not ready to talk about that.

 

[littleoc]

You're free from him, @littleoc.
He didn't pass his shit unto you.

Thank goodness too

 

[Freida]

holy crap.

I remember my dad telling me that evil people didn’t exist, though, and he had so much back up fact, but the main one was that everyone thinks they’re doing the right thing.

Your dad taught you evil people didn't exists because he was an evil person who thought behaviors like giving your child to someone and allowing them to be repeated raped and abused for his benefit as normal. There is no "back up fact" that will excuse that behavior. There are facts he dug up to support his thinking to make himself feel better about what he is doing because he knew it was wrong. People who say "well he thought he was doing the right thing" are people who are excusing the evil they KNOW they are doing.

Because she was underage, and you can’t teach a person (the dog) that you only like them for their genitals, and anyway that’s sexual abuse. They should be allowed to go through puberty first and get to know themselves or else they won’t have the appropriate boundaries and won’t know what they don’t want, and will grow up traumatized and not appreciating sexual things at all

So..... He wouldn't assault a dog because he believed the dog should have a choice. but he will assault a child, because he thinks she doesn't get one.

From what I know about dogs they live in the moment. I've rescued several over the years that have had bad things happen to them but they can put it behind them relatively quickly once they are in a loving home. It's because their brains are wired for a pack and they can follow the lead/emotions of the people they bond with without thinking much about it. Children are a different thing. Children have a self awareness and sense of right and wrong that dogs don't.. If you abuse a child it encodes that memory forever and that is confusing.. So in a situation like this, with a pedophile, a child's entire thought process can be changed, including how the feel about themselves and their world. And they take those "taught" thoughts and carry them into the future - where it begins to tear apart their brains. Because they are confused. How can someone teach them these things are right when the rest of the world thinks they are so wrong?

Its a huge struggle to overcome - and you are doing such a fantastic job trying to sort it all out. But it's going to take time and. baby steps so you don't overwhelm yourself. You are changing everything you were brought up to believe.That's a pretty big deal. And don't worry about sharing your experiences. The people here are both tough and smart. If they can handle it they will weigh in to help. If they cant, they will bypass the post and support your from over there. Either way you have a ton of support so you don't have to feel alone...

 

[littleoc]

Things seem so strangely... fateful. Things are just happening. Good things also, but in an oddly perfect order. Like strange books showing up at my doorstep, in the mail, that are... um, familiar. Triggering is probably a better word, but they’re too convenient. I see Brandi in the pages. In carefully built worlds that are meant to contrast horrible family lives to supernatural worlds, only they aren’t supernatural. They’re just misunderstood.

Sorry if that doesn’t make sense. I’m just creeped out, is all. I keep seeing my dad in my head. He would rub his hands together when he talked to me, unable to meet my eyes. He was always nervous around me. But I was the one he really, really liked. Which was better than being the least favorites, in some ways. Not in others. I’m constantly feeling guilty. But it wasn’t my fault. It doesn’t matter what happened, it wasn’t my fault. And it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. My therapist said that to me like I should be thankful, but I really am. It could have been a lot worse.

And my siblings don’t hate me. Even my sister doesn’t hate me. She texts me often and wants to be best friends. She told me about polyamory with her husband and I gave her advice.

My little brother doesn’t hate me. My twin brother tells me he’s worried I’m sinful (for being gay) but that isn’t hate.

My dad was known to talk, crazily, for hours straight. Nonstop, would run out of breath but keep going. His record was eighteen hours one day before he literally passed out. My mom has gotten very used to tuning things out. Sometimes I talk nerd stuff at her and I wonder if she’s trying to understand or trying to tune me out.

But when my dad last called me, I asked him what he wanted and he went dead silent. I heard him doing his awkward hand rub. Assumed he was about to ask me for money. Told me he has a dog now. He hates dogs. Hates them. But he didn’t on that call. He claimed he wanted to help me get a car and I doubtfully said, “Can you?” and he was clearly not expecting me to call him out on his bullshit. Then actually backtracked and said he would help me look. He sounded nervous. He’s killed at least one person and he was nervous.

I guess it happened after my little brother finally told that he was sexually abused by him. Which I’d had hints of for years. I can’t talk about it right now.

My dad talked shit to my twin and my twin immediately cut him off. Said he felt guilty but it was easier every year.

At the thanksgiving dinner I sat in front of my little brother when my dad stood in front of him. I looked him in the eyes and asked him what he wanted to talk about. He was completely silent. Awkward hand rubs. Odd look to the side. Not the kind of look you see humans make, except the uncomfortableness.

When he threatened to stab me when I interrupted him on the phone, he pushed the knife to my belly and I gave him an unconcerned look and said, “Are you being serious?” I don’t know why but he backed right the f*ck up. Never happened again.

I wonder if he was acting afraid of me to mess with me. Make me feel like him. I wonder if I look like his mom. His mom is worse than he is. I promise. She was also an elementary school teacher. No one could prove anything.

Reading over this, I’m thinking it might be time to relax. I can’t afford my anxiety medication. I finished the book that was left for me and it’s weirdly, creepily triggering but I don’t even know how to describe it. It was too similar

 

[littleoc]

Last time I saw my dad, I knew he’d been on hard drugs or the car work he was doing was destroying his nerves because he wouldn’t wear gloves for certain things. His hands were unsteady. More than the expected arthritis after his occasional jobs he wouldn’t keep. His eyes darted. He smelled like anesthesia. Or maybe I was just smelling it — when someone is dying, I smell it but interpret it as anesthesia. That smell hasn’t left me, at all. That spot on my groin hurts.

 

[littleoc]

PTSD is kind of stupid. I’m going to go back to having a good day.

I might have a car soon! Still no license, but now I could practice, maybe even alone. If I’m not on the highway.