There were actually a lot of triggers this weekend. Way, way too many. I was originally feeling less overwhelmed, but I got back to a very messy house. As I do usually, I decided to continue trying to at least make my room comfortable.
Made a lot of progress. I find myself keeping things I was told by my mom that we need. So I need to just get rid of it when my mom isn’t seeing it. Or tell her to take it into her room, because I’m tired of her implying that her hoards of stuff is more important than the clean, comfortable space I deserve.
Then the desk happened. Not a trigger, but I was already upset because the sister in law kept sneaking in to scare me. Even after I explained that I have a medical condition that makes it a very bad idea to do so. (I did it very politely, then accepted that I need to come up with a solution on my end because she’s so immature for a twenty-year-old). She kept getting way too close, kept pointing out how much stuff was on the bed and what time it was, kept referring to gay people as “those types”... the cornering thing is what finally got me.
Then while trying to concentrate to make the desk, my mom and sister-in-law were calling me repeatedly with weird comments and questions, making it even harder to put the stupid thing together. Should only have taken an hour. They interrupted me for a full two hours for a “quick” dinner which is something I’m vaguely allergic to, but which they think I’m making it up or am just confused, so I ate it without saying anything because it doesn’t matter either way. My brother-in-law started yelling at my dog. Insulting her for doing commands I was asking her to do. Calling her “dog.” He’s also rude though, but I was unable to handle it so I went outside and did a puzzle. My family was yelling from inside the house that I was supposed to be serving them cake (it was half playful) so I did a puzzle. I was really trying to just be positive and move on.
I was supposed to have a date that night, but everything prevented that. Just everything. So that’s down the drain. And the sister-in-law was going to be insulting about it.
Today in the car it got worse, because I asked my mom how to tell my brother-in-law to be kinder to my dog. I told her that I doubted that he even knew she was tasking. (I’m trying to limit the amount of re-training later.) She started interrogating me on it instead of offering advice, which is all I wanted. Then she defended him. I instantly had a flashback of her defending him and saying I was just a teenager when I tried to say that he wasn’t treating us right while helping us clean our house. So I got upset. I mentioned something about how my room would look nice by now if he hadn’t tried to help. Which is true. He used my room as storage for the rest of the house.
My mom apparently doesn’t think that’s a bad thing, because when I said my room would have looked nice, she said, in a demeaning tone, “You mean that box he put in your room?”
I felt intimidated. I was trapped in the car. She turns the wheel to make me car sick if I’m so much as a little late getting out the door. I once tried to confront her about it. She then spent the next hour telling me she had every right to treat me like that if I made her mad.
So I went mute. I couldn’t help it. But she kept asking questions, started getting angrier and angrier. So finally I managed, “Maybe we’ll talk about it later.”
To which she replied angrily, “Don’t bring it up if you don’t want to talk about it.” Something Brandi used to say to me before something bad (I can’t talk about what) would happen.
So then I was crying in the car. She kept hitting the steering wheel in anger and I was trying so hard to stop, because I knew it was going to ruin my day to cry. I’ve got an awful headache now and am so depressed.
I felt invalidated and like I don’t matter. She doesn’t care about me at all. I just offend her. She doesn’t even listen to me when I talk. She just wants me to do chores and get along with everyone and not make her mad.
So I’m not certain if her buying food was an apology exactly.
I do know I don’t want to move back in. I had a better rest of the day but I feel like a burden. I feel like no one likes me, like no one would ever think of me if I needed something. Which can’t be true, logically. So I’m challenging it currently with all the support for Nestle. My boss going shopping for me to prevent me from going in a store alone.
I just wish my family took me seriously. My little brother does. My sister might, but I’m afraid of that.
I don’t know. It’s exhaustjng to keep trying to be positive here. I’m going to though. Moping isn’t exactly healthy nor useful.
