Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[bellbird]

Why does her bring stressed about everything bother me, though?

Do you tend to take on the emotions of those around you, in general?

 

[littleoc]

Ah, I get it. Because I feel like I’m an inconvenience?

And because she’d get weirdly stressed at my dad, then get all of us into danger with it. Weekly basis. This is not the kind of situation where one says, “she never learns!” because it wasn’t that kind of thing. My dad shouldn’t have had the reactions he did. He was insane.

Also, very mild gaslighting. Like the kind that comes from dysfunctional people who aren’t necessarily abusive.

I was having a good day. I hate the gamble I take when I call her to tell her plans. Half the time it’s okay and the other half she’s upset, and there’s no way to predict it. She literally told me two days ago that I should call her with plans and that she’d figure it out. Today she got upset. I think she realized it though because she started playfully saying “dang it” and I feel like with my sister she would have gotten more sympathy, because it does suck to miss work, and I feel bad but I don’t really know how I’m supposed to react?

 

[littleoc]

Do you tend to take on the emotions of those around ...

Yeah, I’m pretty strongly empathetic. I hate making people upset. It’s a huge weakness of mine, as gotten me into a lot of trouble, but also been pretty helpful. So that could be playing a part

 

[littleoc]

I don’t really want to move back in with her.

I should go back to telling her the house must be cleaned or else I’ll have to move out. I need my next service dog to start training, and there’s still too little room for my current one. No way am I making two dogs compete for space.

 

[bellbird]

Be strong with what is best for you, @littleoc (and the doggles by extension).

 

[littleoc]

doggles

 

[littleoc]

?????

 

[littleoc]

More serious answer: thank you, I’ll do my best

 

[littleoc]

If anyone was looking for a Doggo update:

 

[littleoc]

Here’s a bird I happen to know personally

Last week she stole an actual diamond and I have yet to find it

 

[littleoc]

There’s a special music room here with a pair of $25,000 speakers (each), and they have music by my great uncle, who was in a world famous group I obviously won’t name.

I mention that though because he’s been on my mind. I was listening to a track that was played in the same city he killed himself in.

He was an amazing musician. He started out like my great grandfather, as a refugee, but both of them managed to go above and beyond. To the point that it’s rather stressful for their grandchildren to fill those extremely high expectations. He was considered highly successful and people still listen to him. He played worldwide, including Japan and in the White House.

I found out about his suicide through a history book. My little brother brought in the book, all about their group, flipped to the index, and pointed. There was one entry in the index that said “suicide of.” My brother joked, “It must run in the family.”

I’ve been curious about what happened. I’ve been listening to his music through records and Internet files. It makes me sad that such a beautiful sound was so unhappy. But those speakers also are so subtle that it sounds like he’s in the room with you. It’s great.

I finally found the book again and a few others, in the library I work in now. Looked him up carefully when I was feeling totally fine, just in case.

Apparently, he thought his last performance was bad. He thought the group was going to become less popular and fail. His buddy was sharing a hotel room with him that day and noted that he seemed distant and aloof. He wasn’t acting like himself.

Sounds like he was overtaken with distortions. Overwhelmed with thoughts that weren’t true.

So I’m hoping that every time I have thoughts like that, for now on, I’ll think of him and remember that my worst performances might still be inspiring people. You don’t play for the President if you are a loser. You don’t give up when you think your best years are over.

And: shame on my family for not speaking of him? We all know there was immense trauma and I don’t like thinking about it either, though. It’s hard to be a Jew in the 1900s. But I really feel that all of us could benefit by thinking of him when we’re at our lowest, and start to get thoughts about how worthless we are, how much we aren’t improving as individuals, how much of a failure we are, or a disappointment, or even how much we miss an old life we deserved but couldn’t keep because of evil people. Most of it isn’t true. We have good lives in our own ways and we aren’t failures or unworthy of what we deserve.



...on the bright side, at least in the modern U.S. it’s usually fine to be a Jew, and usually fine to be gay. There’s always something to be thankful for! Like usually having enough food, a roof, water, the ability to have pets, and a brand new A/C the landlord gifted us yesterday :):):) and of course being able to have recordings of family members

 

[bellbird]

remember that my worst performances might still be inspiring people.

Just beautiful, friend.
(and true).