Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I regret trying to talk to my mom just now.

 

[littleoc]

Why would Brandi assume I was purposely trying to trick her and ruin her life, if the hopistal told my mom I was experiencing psychosis and she asked Brandi about it?

Brandi told me about this. She said my mom asked her what was going on. She told my mom that she sometimes saw things. Brandi knew she was taking advantage of me. Everyone duped me.

 

[mumstheword]

Here with you @littleoc. It sounds like things are tough right now.
And you've been treated harshly and minimised and ignored and lied to. That's gotta hurt. You didn't deserve any of it. You are an awesome human being. We believe you and believe in you.

It sounds like your mum isn't that well herself. Maybe her brain gets a bit frozen and she struggles to express her care for you? Because from what you write, it sounds like she loves and cares for you, but can't always show it.

And Brandi? Brandi was such a dishonest manipulator. I wouldn't believe anything Brandi said, she was constantly manipulating you and you can't trust people like that, not at all.

Go easy my dear friend, what can you do to take care of yourself, right now?
Lots of love and :hug:'s from mums

 

[littleoc]

Guys, I am so sorry, I have no idea where that came from. I guess the weird anniversary, but it’s an anniversary of something I did well and that went well, so I don’t know why it’s bothering me. And it has nothing to do with my other traumas at all, it wasn’t even that bad.

I’m good at the moment. I started studying when I realized my brain was getting very foggy and my mom went to the store without me (Not typical, she likes me with her) and bought my meds for me, and the ingredients for me to make a dinner. Then she took me to a clean house where I could cook safely. I’m cooking now and she’s making jokes with me.

So yeah, I have no idea what’s wrong with me, but my mom cared and is my mom.

Because from what you write, it sounds like she loves and cares for you, but can't always show it.

Yes very true

Go easy my dear friend, what can you do to take care of yourself, right now?

I will chill, sleep, and contact a therapist ASAP I guess?

So sorry about that, thank you for the support you guys

 

[Freida]

yes please asap on the therapist!
I'm not surprised you are having a tough time -- there's a lot of bad memories tied up in that place and you can't just make them not be there anymore.

And no apologizing! This is your diary - you just allow us to come along. Oh - and I'm right there with you on people finding it. I worry everytime (still!) that I log on that I've been outed. :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

:hug: :hug: :hug:
You have so much going on and so much has happened this summer that it's perfectly natural for your head to be a million miles an hour.
Try and have some rest when you can. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

My neighbor was being sexist earlier and it was frustrating.

He asked me what I was doing with my life now, which is a perfectly reasonable question. So I told him that I just graduated with a degree in biology, am currently an MFA student in writing. Staying with my mom for a while.

He said he “doesn’t read female writers” but that he thought it was “cute” that I was attempting such a task. He said he doesn’t usually care for the “soft” topics women write about, like motherhood and children.

He said more stuff but it was all useless. I felt invalid and dumb. I dismissed him as quickly as I could.

Several hours later, when I regained the ability to talk like a normal person, I told my mom this because damn. That kind of hurt. She replied, “You should have asked him if he could even read.” She was only slightly kidding. Apparently he’s illiterate. He hasn’t wanted to go to any classes because brown, yellow, and black people are there.

What a f*cking ignorant idiot.

It’s not the first time something like this has happened, either. His father once tried to hire me to do his dishes for him, after he chased his wife out of their yard with a rifle. Said I was a nice age. That man’s other son once told me I couldn’t go tell my little brother that dinner was ready because women weren’t allowed in his garage. One time they called the f*cking police on me because I had Brandi’s mom help us with weedeating and he assumed she was a criminal because she was a woman weedeating (literally what he said to the cops). Once they parked in the road and when I mentioned it, they told me I didn’t know how traffic REALLY works, as a woman. Once, the youngest son pointed at my mom and asked her sexist husband, “Where do I get me a female?” They’re just an incredibly unbelievable family.

Luckily karma struck Larry. He has a black granddaughter now and his dog is gay af.

I hope they feel like idiots when I get my PhD in either Huntington’s or Zika and dengue research, both of which I have experience in. And they don’t. And won’t. Unless they drop that senseless attitude.

Sorry, I needed to vent that. Thanks, y’all, for not being sexist. <3 It hurts to be invalidated for something so stupid. Too bad I’m not black, because then he wouldn’t have talked to me at all. (Why are they so stupid?)

Brandi’s mom was Native American and hated black people. I wanted to ask her for years if she’d still have excepted my help moving if I were black. Brandi warned me not to ask her. Her mom has several assault charges related to questions like that, apparently.

 

[littleoc]

Also, try being a mother, dick. I bet you’d like everything being your fault all the time.

 

[ILoveLife]

I caught a cab the other day, the guy kept making sexist and racist remarks. "I don't understand why women even try" and "Have you caught a lot of mohammeds lately on cabs? The terrorists are taking over" :rolleyes: Seriously though, cab drivers are a scary breed. I kept fake-smiling and saying "Ah, it's not really like that is it?" I guess I proved his point, why did I even try? :)
f*ck them though, they live miserable lives.

 

[littleoc]

They really do. They’re missing out on perfectly good friendships with fellow humans >:c

 

[littleoc]

The men I’ve made friends with are way better men than men who think like that

One time in college I wanted to room with a male friend I had, and the board member literally told me that my friend would somehow sexually assault me because it would be hard to resist if we lived together. I told that to my mom, and my mom told me to go right back into his office, refuse to close the door, and ask him just how much he was projecting his own thoughts into this matter.

Same guy, in response to a sexual assault crisis that happened, banned sororities from having parties. Only frats could have them. He said it was because the women were putting themselves at risk. So he put them more in risk, I guess? Unsurprisingly, assault rates went up by like 10% or something ridiculous in both men and women on campus. (Don’t quote me, I didn’t feel like looking up the actual statistic, but it was insanely high and everyone hated that guy after this)

Some people are just completely idiotic

 

[littleoc]

Um, </rant> I suppose

Today’s been fine besides that stuff, lol. Driving gives me a headache and I ran a red light

I’m a hardened rebel