Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

:)

It’s been 24 hours since the last dose of the drug that was messing with me, and I’m feeling more normal now. Dreading upcoming appointments where I’ll have to discuss this stuff though. I feel (unreasonably) bad that my psychiatrist might feel bad. Also I just don’t want to talk about it.

Also my twin and his wife are apparently coming over, but there is no longer a kitchen, a dining room, a living room, nor a sitting room.

My mom asked me if I could remove my bird from his old bed and I said no. She laid eggs. It’s seriously in her best interest to reduce all the stress.

Also also my mom keeps randomly dropping bomb shells for some reason. I don’t want to discuss them. But pretty bad things. Things you don’t just randomly blurt to your kid and then keep repeating for effect.

My dog found a sunny grassy spot outside and she’s in a great mood. The outside cat Xavier got some cheese from my breakfast. There’s still a cricket chirping outside so he must be feeling pretty good today.

 

[littleoc]

We ate out with twin and his wife answer my sister and a toddler and my service dog, and my twin got there first and chose the table, and it was in the middle of everything during a rush so I had to constantly look down at Nestle to make sure she was positioned in a way where her sensitive leg wouldn’t be stepped on (or her tail), and she couldn’t fit under the table and there were so many people. Got surrounded at one point (by kids tho, not a big deal) and my head hurts. But I didn’t want anyone to know I was stressed because then she’d ask questions so I excused myself to brush my teeth and took my time, but still had to drive (didn’t want people to know). Currently sitting in a parking lot while my mom gets tomato sauce in a jar. I couldn’t see the road and at first my mom was gasping a lot so I must have been on the road most of the time :P on the way to the restaurant I got yelled at and made fun of a little, but I think it was in order to de-scary a truck I didn’t trust? So I’m ignoring it

I won’t be able to rest when I get home becaue ny twin and his wife are still there and yeah. Also I’m going to my sister’s first.

My head hurts tho but I seem to be handling it fine ?

 

[littleoc]

My scheduled bedtime is in less than an hour, but they’re being loud and inappropriate.

One day things won’t be so triggering.

Sorry for the constant updates, I’m using the diary to vent. Can’t talk about things out loud. Very bad idea. But doesn’t mean you have to read it, don’t worry

Hope you’re having a good day :)

 

[littleoc]

That was very triggering but I can’t show it

I hope they leave soon

 

[Freida]

Sorry for the constant updates, I’m using the diary to vent. Can’t talk about things out loud. Very bad idea. But doesn’t mean you have to read it, don’t worry

no need to be sorry -- this is your diary. It's where you are supposed to vent.

I think you may have already answered this and I forgot - -but can you stay with your sister for a bit? Maybe not move in, but for a weekend here or there? Just enough to get away from your mom?

Remember -- your mom's issues are not YOUR issues, your responsibility or your fault. I had to learn this with my brother and it wasn't easy. But once I finally got to a place where it made sense it made my life way easier. I stopped carrying his dramas on my shoulders because I accepted he is the way he is and he isn't going to change no matter how much it would help him. He can't.

As for selling the house -- that's a problem for a much later day.
But since I know you worry about it how about this idea. When it's time you can call one of those junk pick up services to just take everything, then you can pay them out of the sale of the house. It might be easier than you think.....??

 

[littleoc]

So i got a full night of sleep and the depression went away :) :) :)

I checked the side effects (is that the right phrase?) and it said “common: insomnia. rare: depression.” All the rare symptoms said to call your doctor ASAP.

I’m kind of guessing that it was the lack of sleep that was getting to me most. I’m very, very OCD about sleep, but in defense of that, I don’t function well without it. It seems dangerous for me to be on any drug that causes insomnia.

My psychiatrist visit this Friday will be awkward. I have a very hard time voicing stuff like this out loud. Doubt I’m the only one, either, it’s hard to talk about oneself in a vulnerable way like that. Unless you’re Brandi’s mom.

I got new glasses and I can see now, but I feel like they’re too big. But I’m going to wear them anyway, it’s fine.

Also, thanks @Freida , I’ll try to keep that in mind

 

[littleoc]

Also also, did y’all ever notice that Beauty and the Beast would be super disturbing if the audience was never told that the Beast was human? :D

 

[littleoc]

On that note:

It’s been very odd changing the details of the story from what Brandi wants/likes to what I would like in a novel. All the weird sex stuff is gone. Probably because deep down I view sex in two contradictory ways: (1) necessary for the survival of a species, or (2) evil and gross if I’m involved in any way.

Pretty weird views, I would say, but it makes sense in my head. Also, secretly, I’m still not fully convinced I’m a person, so there’s that, but it’s gotten better a bit lately.

I’ve been hanging out with my sister and it’s fun. Except within the last two years I somehow stopped being able to interact with two-year-olds, which is strange. I remember being two, though, which might be the problem. My dad wouldn’t let me talk, or touch anything, or much else. And it was two years ago I had that head injury, so now it’s hard to keep up with things and make sure things are fine, and I need to unlearn everything my dad taught me. Man, my dad is a loser. I hope I’m never like him

 

[littleoc]

Also also, I think I know why I got very angry about my sister’s husband hating my dog. (1) because my dog is awesome, and (2) because I feel like I need to protect my dog from people who look like him. Even though my sister’s husband has never hurt a dog, that I know of.

I haven’t been on that weird forum in a while. The members told me some weird things last time I was there that really confused me. I’m not ready to talk about it right now.

It’s cool to be free to day that phrase. Yesterday my mom asked me questions about Brandi and I had to carefully answer or else get drilled and end up saying something I didn’t want to. My mom didn’t seem to notice I was depressed. Or at least she didn’t know how to respond to it and didn’t say anything about it. But then again, she probably wouldn’t have taken me out to that insane pizza place if she’d noticed. Probably for the best then. I hate getting asked questions. I always panic and go mute and it makes the questions get more and more disturbing.

I’m having a very secret conversation with a therapist who specializes in hoarding, but I don’t know if she can help me. I don’t know if I have a problem or not. There’s no way to tell in this environment, and frankly I’ve never owned anything and been able to use it at the same time, so.. just have to keep it secret from my mom.

Except the therapist is allergic to dogs so that’s a bit of a workaround, haha (she said she’s good if she doesn’t pet, but not her co-workers, so over-the-phone seems good for now)

Wait, my mom pays my insurance right now lol

 

[ILoveLife]

I hope I’m never like him

Ahah ... sorry littleoc for laughing - but hey, I do think it's great that you hope that on one hand, on the other it's so cute that you'd think to ever be like your father that it's funny :P

Ok, seriously now.. If you're still questioning it... I wonder if you can make a list of your traits, a list of your father's traits and compare? You have pretty good insight and you don't shy away from self protection. Being able to see things like these more in a straightforward fashion might be able to help. You'll get angry at your dad, and it would also be good to shed some light on misconceptions you may have about yourself.

And yeeeeeeees! Your dad is a total loser, you're going to win @Freida's award today.

 

[Freida]

I hope I’m never like him

yea...I'm gonna go out on a limb and say....nope. Not gonna happen

I wonder if you can make a list of your traits, a list of your father's traits and compare?

I love this! science experiment -- cause and effect

Your dad is a total loser, you're going to win @Freida's award today.

yes ...yes you do! here it is --- your trophy!!! ?

 

[littleoc]

A trophy!!!! :D :D

I might do that. I’m a little worried at seeing too much in common?


Also, my mom really sucks at paying bills. I’ve been on a payment plan at the hospital for a long time, and the machine started glitching and calling me all the time. I asked about it, and they looked at my accounts and said that one account is in collections, which shouldn’t be right if I’m paying every month, right?

Well, no, because before I was 18, when my mom was responsible for my account, she just... quit paying. And the account is over $5000. So... that’s alarming. They said they had marked it as uncollectable and it’s been enough years that I sort of doubt they can get me to pay it, especially since I’m not supposed to be responsible, but man that’s going to weigh on me. It’s a miracle that hospital still let me come in, hospitals have to stay in business too. :I

I guess my mom wasn’t the worst because she does have books around the house called “hearing loss in your child” from when my twin went deaf after the Incident but man is she irresponsible with everything else, makes me mad. She currently has a phone specifically for making debtors call it and be unable to leave messages. That’s just messed up. And she says my dad ruined her credit. He did, but it’s been more than seven years at this point... and it only takes seven years to fix credit unless you file bankruptcy or something else. Still, it’s been a lot of years.

The house wasn’t even his doing at this point. He didn’t help but jeez, there was plenty of time to get it cleaned up.