Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[ILoveLife]

So maybe that’s why she treats me weirdly and says stuff like that.

I do this a lot: minimize my mom's behaviors towards me, justifying them with how her parents treated her. Well, her parents are not my parents, she is. There is no justification.

And, I'm glad you called the doc. Hopefully it will disappear on it's own :hug:

I think your mom is trying to clean up because she's embarassed, not for the right reasons, really.

 

[littleoc]

And, I'm glad you called the doc. Hopefully it will disappear on it's own :hug:

It seems to be :) still red, still numb, but fading. The whiter part is fading back into pink also.

I could have been a true white person if only I could find the chemical again. Oh, well. Are pink people okay in Orange America? :P

 

[littleoc]

I am having a hard time today. I wanted to write a nice post about how I don’t think the brain injuries affect me anymore, after nearly two years since the last one. I can do tasks that are complex without giving up or getting mad. I can read at night. I am having less headaches until I write papers at night. I can be up at night at all, and though I’m still sleeping 11-16 hours a day when I don’t set alarms (or sometimes if I do) i don’t usually need naps anymore. Or I can at least stay up and try to go to bed earlier instead.

But with the Invisalign, I can’t havs sugar all day. My nutritionist also wanted me to cut back in sugar. I miss my brain that didn’t like sugar. Also, not only am I spacing out at weird times, but I can’t tell if it’s my brain having problems or the PTSD or both. And I don’t know how well a doctor would be able to tell.

And when I have to hurry. I still just can’t. I don’t know how to explain it. But I definitely got hurt and so did my dog. I feel ashamed and bad.

And I keep having nightmares again. The prazosin helps. I am afraid of starting the Abilify.

Plus I wasn’t with my mom when she picked it up (she picks up my meds for me) and the pharmacist told her I might get suicidal thoughts and bad depression. So she told me uncomfortable things and I feel uncomfortable. I don’t know how to talk about it.

I was fed something I’m allergic to for dinner. Maybe that’s made me depressed. And being interrupted and not feeling important enough for my family. I don’t even know why I feel that way, because I don’t think it’s true.

 

[littleoc]

The nightmares are about dogs.

I can’t really say the rest.




I had also had a status update on here about my mom trying to start a fight about the stove when she finally wanted to cook something. I ended up deleting it because it felt inappropriate to complain about. I don’t know if I was confrontational enough. It wasn’t my fault that the stove was covered.

Cleaned out a bag of actual poop. Even though my therapist told me not to worry about the poop trigger. The bag was more than 60 pounds. 35 kilograms -ish.

I am okay though.

Or maybe that stuff Brandi told me is getting to me. She told me that the more I complained about life, the more it was confirmed that I was crazy. She was my friend because she pitied me and felt I was nothing without her. It’s bothering me. I don’t know why she felt this way. I don’t know why she wanted me to think I was crazy. I don’t know why she wanted me to have no secrets but when I asked for help with suicide one time she told me to just do it or shut up, and the next time she seemed to care — but didn’t after she hung up. I don’t get it.

 

[littleoc]

I don’t get why I’m depressed. It makes me angry. This isn’t who I am.

 

[littleoc]

My brain gets weird at night. Or, I do?

I just get flooded with memories randomly. It’s very uncomfortable. That’s how it works for others, I’m guessing, so I should deal

Just remembering the time my little brother had to use my computer to prevent my dad from hurting him. And I had to decide if I’d let him and risk myself, or..

It’s just really dumb. I’m overly concerned about his birthdays ever since the Sad Birthday. He had a bad birthday. He was six. Maybe younger. My mom was trying to get him to say he was having a happy birthday and he wouldn’t. He said he was having a sad birthday. My dad had hit him. It makes me extremely sad. I’m always scared on other people’s birthdays but I can’t tell them because it makes me look weird.

My mom’s face when he said that.

 

[littleoc]

Crying still causes debilitating pain. So I guess that’s one of the head injuries, not the PTSD. Probably one of the ones I did to myself. Or else one my dad did, or the Pedo did. I don’t understand if he felt bad or not.

Mixed signals usually mean the worst option.

 

[littleoc]

How do you even fix this?

Who even installed the f*cking heater into the ceiling?

 

[littleoc]

I watched a cat video

Feeling better

 

[Freida]

. I don’t know why she felt this way. I don’t know why she wanted me to think I was crazy. I don’t know why she wanted me to have no secrets but when I asked for help with suicide one time she told me to just do it or shut up, and the next time she seemed to care — but didn’t after she hung up. I don’t get it.

Easiest explaination? she was bonkers. totally. completely. bonkers.
Her view of you was hers. Not yours, not mine not anyone else's. HERS
And in her world it made sense
Because - she was bonkers.

 

[littleoc]

Bonkers

That’s a fun word right there

Way more fun than the person

 

[Freida]

Thought you would like it :)