Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[ILoveLife]

I was babysitting my baby nephew once, and my brother in law called to speak to him and they were talking then the phone drops to the floor... my nephew turns to me really surprised: OH CRAP DADDY IS RUINED :laugh: :roflmao:

 

[littleoc]

RUINED :roflmao:

 

[littleoc]

So I’ve been putting off saying this for months, because it really freaked me out, [redacted]

I don’t want to post this either.

Sorry, I couldn’t do it

 

[littleoc]

I hate that I live in a spot where I can see the pedophiles house when I wake up or just look out the window. It’s not the most disturbing thing ever because I’m used to it. It’s not scary from far away. But. There is a child (two) living there. And many, many dogs.

The man who lives there with his wife has PTSD, but he is a normal guy. Definitely not a pedophile.

I am still unclear about dogs. But I don’t abuse mine. Or do anything that would count as abuse legally or within social groups. But I’m still having nightmares anyway. When drunk people started petting Nestle, and got a little too.... , I still got overprotective and told them I was leaving. My mom was there for one and I felt like I wasn’t allowed to move. She thought it was funny.

 

[littleoc]

A mosquito bit my palm!! Ruuuuude

Also, fun news, my grandparents were rated (awarded? Not sure of the right term?) as one of the most generous philanthropists in the greater [capital city of my state] area.

I sort of want to asked them what they think about this whole... Brett K thing. I asked them after Trump got elected, and after the Sanders campaign got “foiled” by Hilary, and after Hilary’s people cut off programming on television when someone started saying an opinion that didn’t match hers (was scary how it went off air like that), and they had interesting info for everything. They seem to know things that are conforting. But I’m not really wanting to ask about this judge.

Still glad I grew up poor as shit though, sort of. Mixed feelings. I hope it’s true that my dad got cut from the will.

My mom literally has an average of ten dollars at the end of every paycheck. It wasn’t just my dad I guess. But my dad is a psychopath so obviously he doesn’t understand consequences. I don’t know what’s up with my mom, she’s not psycho




Positive thing of the day!!!!
My bird is getting better!! :D

 

[littleoc]

So, it’s not THAT unusual that I’m still in my room at 4pm, despite being awake for hours and hungry.

The problem is, my dog is letting me. She’s so disregulated by the house that she’s okay with chilling in one place?

Gotta get her out of here.

 

[littleoc]

I found the family's matryoshka dolls (nested dolls) (actual handmade Russian ones, very old). I took it downstairs out of my mother's side of the house so I can keep it safe. Cleaned it off, but the paint didn't chip despite all the dust, grease, and whatever the gooey stuff was. Still beautiful. Happy I found them. I'm keeping them in my space for now on. It's from my dad's side of the family obviously, maybe my mom didn't realize they were valuable?

The outside biggest doll is just under a foot tall? The smallest one is about two centimeters. Beautifully crafted and painted. I'm so, so glad they didn't break or get ruined up there. They look like the traditional kind (edit: they are. 1900s quality wood working), but these are really special to my family.

I am worried about what else is up there. I am also worried about this therapist. I realized that because I'll be doing this with my mom, I'll have to somehow talk to the therapist alone or risk being blamed. I am guessing this is a sign that my mom and I aren't getting along as well as we used to. I am frustrated about that.

Is it weird of me, though, to want to rescue an heirloom from a relative? I haven't even gotten to hear him talk about Russia because of my mom. She got too anxious about some chairs and wouldn't let the family sit down to listen.

 

[littleoc]

I wonder how many Jewish families escaped.

 

[littleoc]

I do not feel that I’m allowed to talk.

I tried to say that the poop talk is disturbing me. It turned into talk about after-pregnancy poos. I was trying to be attentive and polite. I’m not allowed to interrupt or talk over people. But my family does it. Am I just censoring conversation?

Last time I tried to say anything about my mom’s scary anger (was causing flashbacks), she started mocking me. “I’d say a word, but you banned me.” But I didn’t. Did I?

I don’t get how to interact with people. Everyone is straightforward with me. Even my sister says she can’t imagine me being hard for people to like. And she hates people. So I don’t understand.

I’m stressed about this therapist now. I won’t be able to talk to her with my mom in the room. I won’t. She’ll blame me and I’ll just nod.

I am a different person with my family. I think. I’m able to talk with anyone else. I’m even able to make kidnapping jokes with my friends. At home, I’m not allowed to say the word “kidnap” because it’s wrong. I’m not able to discuss Brandi because I have to keep so much secret, or else I’ll be questioned and interogated on it. My mom yells at me or shames me or guilts me.

And why bother? It is only twelve more years until... the climate thing. It used to be twenty years away and I could just ignore it like everyone else. No one cares. I try to talk about it, and they dismiss me for being paranoid, or they ignore anything they could do to make the world a better place, WHILE talking shit about people who don’t try.

Today we watched a movie where the main character was a not-fat version of Brandi. I was not allowed to ask to see another movie. I cooperated and was polite and fun.

Same personality. Very manipulative character. No one who watched the movie liked her.

Here’s the thing I couldn’t say earlier, and I will never be able to admit out loud, but I found out a few months ago that Fungus has his own PayPal account. It’s been bothering me so much. I don’t know what it means. I got more upset after posting on another member’s diary about hoping I don’t have DID or something.

I’m just not sure what to do. There is too much going on again. I don’t want to have to do all the work in this house. I’m so sick of this house, but I’m afraid to ask my grandmother for help. We have before. But I can’t talk about the house and I’m afraid of my mom’s reaction. She’s unpredictable.

I think seeing the dolls reminded me of that. The dolls represent motherhood and generations. This house is not my future. I don’t see it at all in my future.

But in twelve years it won’t even matter, so I don’t know why I’m bothering.

I want to start a thread about the twelve years. But I am afraid of scaring people.

 

[ILoveLife]

I also read about the 12 years. Littleoc, we know climate is changing, but every couple of years or so there's an article and every newspaper goes bezerk with it. It's usually sensationalism and not to be taken literally.
I have only 10 years in front of you and I've seen the amount of fear newspapers propagate every so often, seen so much of it and most of it never happened.
Things are being done, and more things will be done.
We'll be okay :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

If it makes you feel any better, I read an article last year of the climate devastations that happened in pre industrial times, and they were worse than what's happening now.
It's a matter of perspective and seeing the bigger picture.

 

[ILoveLife]

And I'm not denying climate change, here! It is something that worries me. I just don't allow for the sensationalism to bother me anymore, I've read all sorts of different things over these last 15 years and to be honest, little of it came to fruition, that's all.