• We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
  • Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.

Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

My therapist wants to get to the bottom of why I go mute with my mom.

But she doesn’t know that I’m not afraid of professionals. But my mom would silence me and yell at me for getting help. She silenced my sister when she told my little brother to tell teachers that my dad had touched his scrotom inappropriately. She told my sister that she would lose all her kids if we said stuff like that. I was worried about being in the foster care system getting raped all day, as I was told happens, when I reported in the hospital at age 14 that my dad was psychotic and dangerous.

But I’m not really afraid of him. I’m more afraid of my mom. I don’t know why. She’s not a psychopath. We were in this together. Weren’t we? I don’t know. She told my little brother that he wouldn’t go to Heaven when he was ten. Because my dad wanted him to not be religious. And she wasn’t sensitive about it. Just wanted us to be not religious, like him.

Now my twin brother has an abusive wife because my mom felt he was “emotionally stable” despite being autistic and raised in a bad way. So now he’s going to suffer for years because he never learned.

I grew up not knowing my mom at all and having the community tell me she might be bad because she wasn’t religious. I had to teach my brother how to put pressure on his open artery because my mom wouldn’t get him help when he was cutting. And she let me believe that I gave him the idea of cutting. And had to listen to everyone, including Brandi, insist he was just trying to get attention, which I don’t know why it would matter.

I know my mom tried her hardest, I don’t know why I’m so focused on these memories. They make it so hard to sleep.






@Sietz , thank you for the insight (-:

I am so worried. I did conservation biology/science and tried to keep it up in Belize, but I couldn’t handle all the conflict. All the choice between humans or their livelihoods and the animals. I have been told over and over again that human lives are worth more, and I feel ashamed to admit that I can’t feel that way. But I love humans and don’t want them to suffer. The people in Belize were wonderful. The Guatemalans who kept coming into the parks with weapons were trying to feed their children. Their children carried guns and chainsaws. Sad. One girl tried to sell me a bead lizard. Five year old girl. She was pretty awesome. I think her parents must have been watching from afar. Not sure.

I just keep remembering how the people on the island were cheering when Obama announced the carbon cap for the first time. I was ignoring all news. It was weird to hear these people talking about the country I just left. They were excited because the coral reefs MIGHT live another ten years. So some of their new kids might get to see it before it all died. It was dying when I got a look at it. Some of them dissolving from the amount of carbon in the ocean.

I couldn’t watch all the damage. But now I see that every decision in the United States is about slaves in other countries, and having a nice lifestyle at the expense of Earth — of everyone including other humans. It’s bothering me

There are other things about it but I don’t want to rant at you. I’m glad I saw what I did I guess, except the plastic island.

It is already not very fixable though. So I think you’re right. Putting twelve years in it might be kind of silly

I wish our government would take it more seriously. The senator took me seriously about my state’s problems. But my city still has a high deforestation rate. That’s how the Mayan society collapsed, according to recent research. I should just move
 
I understand...
It's difficult to see perspective from outside the US when you live in it.
Like when we see chinese folks wearing pollution masks here in Lisbon where the air is breathable.

The world is huge though, not Eurocentric or UScentric or Chinacentric, or Indiacentric. There's a lot of healing being done too.
Have you tried looking into that? I've found that it has helped me a lot.
Keeping in touch with what's actually being done, not focusing on the bad or on what's missing?
 
Sietz said:
Keeping in touch with what's actually being done, not focusing on the bad or on what's missing?
Click to expand...
Good idea.

I’m usually very optimistic about this stuff, but I’m having a hard time with things. Maybe it’s being around these pessimistic people?

Thank you :) <3
 
The folks at We.Eu saved a Polish forest recently! :) They're good blokes, although they keep asking for money. :P

Yeah, it's easy to get sucked in by others negativity and see the world all grey and dark.
You're too sweet for that though.
Are you taking walks in nature? Getting out of that house?
 
I am trying to walk at least once a day. I haven’t hiked in a while. I also keep looking into people’s homes and imagining I live there instead of in a garbage heap.

I am also usually going to my sister’s for dinner. So that we can relax. Their table has a lot of junk on it but it’s not boarded up. Reminds me of childhood a bit. In a good way.

Other than that, I’m spending too much time here for the online classes. I am considering going up to New Hamphire to do school in person for a bit. But I found out one of my professors is in Africa so I probably can’t visit her in her office :P Not sure which country in Africa, though. Somewhere with elephants, so probably middle-ish or south-ish? Or west? Guinea has forests, and she described some insects that probably live in a forested place... hmmm
 
Maybe going to New Hampshire would do you some good.
I worry about your stress levels living where you are - hoarded house, your mom, pedo's house right in front.. that would mess with anyone's head.

And I've read you say you're scared of DID today. Well... if you are to have it, you already have it and nothing really changes right? You're you, no one else.
 
I’m thinking about buying a plane ticket to Iceland again. But maybe Belize again. Or to a new place. But I’m not a millionaire and don’t think it would be wise to spend my savings that way :P

Plus, my doctor was not impressed with the bruises on my shoulders from carrying my luggage on my back and not letting plane staff put them in the.. what’s it called? When they put your luggage in the conveyer belt? Anyway, I had a sleeping bag that could stand -1ish degrees C, and a special blanket that made it go down to -5 or so (23F) and I was terrified of it going to the wrong country and me freezing to death, lol.





Yeah, I think this place is triggering me. I want to live in this neighborhood.. but also I want to burn down that house and build a park there with a plaque reminding parents to listen to their kids.

I’ve returned dogs to that house. Weirds me out, but I’m guessing people don’t usually have sex with neutered beagles. That would be rape. Most people don’t rape.

It’s true, I’ve been walking down the road Pedo and I used to go down when we were friends. But I don’t think of it that way. It’s my road now. And the road I like to daydream on. And it’s where one of my hide-y spots is when I’m too triggered. It seems I share it with a lot of people who have PTSD. Who even knows why that spot is so relaxing. I guess staring into the forest while it tries to take over the road is nice. I like it when the neighbors sit with me. Most people aren’t pedophiles

I guess nothing would have changed. But I am disappointed that I let this happen. I remember being afraid to tell Brandi it wasn’t real because she’d hate me and kill her self. And I was legitimately afraid. But also I was afraid of losing my identity. I thought i was addicted and using her.

I no longer think that. But I’m constantly trying to prove it to myself in my dreams, in court rooms where I have to prove it was Brandi’s fault. So I think it’s still bothering me

I know logically that the reason I like sugar now and didn’t before was because of that head injury. But my brain keeps thinking otherwise. I can’t really get myself to talk about it; but at least @Freida was able to point out at the beginning of the summer that it was probably the head injury that made it so hard to not be Fungus. Because reality got even more blurred, and that wasn’t my fault. That was the result of manipulation and years of brain washing getting mixed in with that.

Luckily it seems to be healing well
 

Donation drives

2026 Donation Goal

Goal
$1,800.00
Earned
$910.00
This donation drive ends in
0 hours, 0 minutes, 0 seconds
  50.6%
Donate

Trending content

Featured content

Latest posts

Back
Top Bottom