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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

My bird’s tail is bobbing — upper respiratory infection, again. This poor bird

She’s also trying to sleep all day again. I feel helpless but she still says hi to me when I wake her up for morning, and last night she was excited enough to S C R E A M but tonight, mostly just question-squecks whenever I walk out of the room or tell a cat not to jump up there right now

Dove usually likes to go to the edge of her cage and peer at the cats. Sometimes meow at them. But she’s just saying on her bed-perch trying to sleep. I considered taking her out to wake her up a little, then realized that if she’s tired while the rain is failing, maybe it’s not that strange — rain makes mammals tired, anyway, and it’s coming down hard today.

But also — tail bob after being on antibiotics? Sleep is probably exactly what she needs

She was also vitamin d deficient in one of her tests, and I know when I’m deficient I get exhausted. Maybe it’s similar for a bird

I just hate that she’s struggling to stay healthy even with help. I am worried I will run out of money to help her. I am also worried that I was responsible for it (her vet’s a bit blunt... and sometimes wrong about her assumptions but I don’t care enough to correct her — just help my birb) and that she will keep getting sick and won’t get better.

I have no idea what birds she was exposed to before I got her, nor what vaccines she did or didn’t get, there’s a virus that sort of looks like this? I’m trying not to worry about it though, because that would be entirely out of my control

Life is difficult. I wish I could politely ask the pathogens to take advantage of someone else for once

At least it’s not cancer? I’ve lost most pets, family members, and schoolmates to cancer at this point, but that also means that modern medicine is really good — people are surviving long enough for this

So that’s sort of cool.
 
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I am annoyed again. I joked about pig milk and then suddenly realized I had no idea if pig milk was a thing. So I looked it up and my mom was also curious so I was reading bits of the article out loud that answred our pig milk question.

But I got angry because when I got to the part that said that pig milk has more lactose than cow milk, I commented, “Oh, I shouldn’t have that then.”

She started talking over me but quietly? while I was finishing the statement, just said, “I think when this is all said and done you’ll find out that you don’t have lactose intolerance.”

I got angry but didn’t show it. I am unable to show anger. So I kept reading and wondering in my head what about that had set me off.

Then after the conversation, when I was already going upstairs, I explained that previously I had been having days and nights when I was on bathroom floors for hours in severe pain. I thought it was pretty serious! But, miraculously, haven’t had a single symptom like that since I cut back on milk. And increased fiber which I won’t explain, but obviously the smaller amount of milk is probably doing something?

Anyway, I have no idea why I care so much about this. Maybe all the times my mother wouldn’t take me seriously about an illness. She didn’t take me to the hospital once when I needed to go because she thought I was on drugs — which was easily disproved if she bothered trying. One time a cat literally hit straight through my hand — I have a scar on both sides. Couldn’t move my hand for a month because of how swollen it was, but she told me I was milking it. She also told me I was milking it when I was giggling after a surgery. I might have been. I don’t exactly completely doubt it? But I was a little kid, so I’m not sure how that made me bad. Worse of all was when she accused me of faking/pretending to be schizophrenic for “attention,” when I was seriously concerned about it. She assumed everything was for attention. Maybe some of it was? Maybe I was neglected and therefore acting out? That somehow meant that I was being concerned on purpose.

I hate living with my mom. There. I said it. Do I get a prize? I feel like a mean b word.
 
Who am I kidding. My mom hasn’t taken me seriously all week. She talks down to me about immigration, gender, politics, things she doesn’t even know about, and especially depressing topics like “you’ll see, you won’t have any friends in adulthood,” and “the world is much worse now than it ever was” which, excuse me, ma’am, but I’m pretty sure your dad would disagree, having fought in a World War, and mine probably would also. No, we need to be pessimistic about everything. And talk down to me about it.

She doesn’t talk down to my brothers. Nor my sister. In fact, my twin brother even talks down to me. And I hate it. It’s completely inappropriate. They even lecture me about a science I’ve practiced in. And they usually get it wrong. Funny how they can’t look up facts in an Information Age.

Tired of not being taken seriously. If a senator can take me seriously, then my own f*cking family ought to.
 
My therapist warned me that my memory was going to mess with my personal relationships once. I guess that’s what this is, come to think of it.

But maybe I’d be less mad if I was treated fairly on a constistent basis.

Being a teenager did not make me an idiot. Or something to be neglected for years.

Luckily I know better than to bring up the past with people. It never does any good. Even if they feel bad, I will always remember the event like it was yesterday. Or this morning. All those times I tried to knock the memories out by hurting my head did nothing.
 
littleoc said:
I hate living with my mom. There. I said it. Do I get a prize? I feel like a mean b word.
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yep you do get a prize. Seriously. This is huge for you! You are acknowledging your own needs - and that they are not being met in this environment. This isn't being a bitch. This is being a person who is standing up for herself - who is deciding that what SHE wants is just as important as what others want. And I am very very proud of you and shall give you a trophy! ?
littleoc said:
I need to get my thoughts off this stuff. Weird that it’s coming up a bunch out of nowhere.
Click to expand...
yea --- y'know I get that. You can't forget them once they come up - I know, I've tried. Good conversations for a T on how to handle them might be needed
 

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