Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I’d say it was a good day. I have the Slutty Spider Polka Pop stuck in my head, and that hasn’t happened in a bit!

Honestly I’m going to forward that piece to my brother. I want to see that crazy title in the symphony!

Used to love it when my grandparents would get playful and play Tijuana like it was symphony choice

The people who stop me recognizing my name is theirs seem playful!

 

[littleoc]

I hope I get to work with playful people





—
I think my nutriationist is right for me. She wrote me a long email explaining why PTSD and the digestive system are linked.

She’s in the Air Force. No idea why I was assigned to her...? But it’s working out.

Same hospital has assigned me to children psychologists more than once so maybe they just like to do what feels right based on my record. It’s a leading hospital in the South so they might occasionally know what they’re doing

 

[ILoveLife]

@Sietz has a great book you’d like!

"Are we intellingent enough to know how intelligent animals are?" by Franz DeWaalz @bellbird You'd love it! I did.

I think it would be pretty fun to have a meet up

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

 

[littleoc]

?

 

[littleoc]

Bad nightmare. About my mom expecting to die, but her mom was around so I had to tell her.

Which is weird. Due to certain circumstances (mental illness) I never really knew her, so....


Anyway, my brain is convinced (no, I’m the human here, not the brain) that every time I dream about a death, it’s going to happen. Because unfortunately I live in a life of stupid coincidences and in the past this was a huge problem I had.

I think logically it’s because I knew so many people who would die that by the time I dreamed out it, it was either a subconscious notice, or I already knew it was coming and happened to dream closer to the time, OR it was pure statistical coincidence. Despite my family all claiming to have psychic dreams, it’s probably just weird coincidence.

Including my older sister being able to tell how many babies and what gender a pregnant person will have, haha. She predicted me and my twin bro a year before we happened! Four year olds are genius :P

I thought about listing the evidence that I have, then realized I’d be talking about the death of several family members and several friends and several acquaintances and more than a hundred pets my dad boarded, so nevermind. It’s just coincidence.

 

[bellbird]

Anyway, my brain is convinced (no, I’m the human here, not the brain) that every time I dream about a death, it’s going to happen.

I understand. I get this way too, or really with any bad thing that happens in a dream.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[littleoc]

:hug:

 

[littleoc]

Anxious while eating. Not a good sign, but alrightie

It will be a day

 

[littleoc]

I'm doing a lot better having the full dose of nightly meds. But still no morning meds. I think that's a contributor.

I was wondering why I was craving strong pain killers while PerfectEmpire was talking about them. I bet it's because my brain knows you shouldn't be this anxious and it wants to self medicate.

Luckily, I not only have no access to pain killers (and no doctor in their right mind would give them to me anyway), but I also am not addicted. And that is cool.

I hate my dad.

 

[littleoc]

my brain

I'm a human being. It's actually me, my frontal cortex, along with several other lobes that -- while they run in the background and decide things completely without the input of the thinking me -- are still part of me.

I'm confused, lol

 

[littleoc]

I haven’t trauma worked yet, but I have cool updates on the radiator

So I bought a new one for 40$ (and a couple toys for 20$, they’re awesome) and it has cool new features that my old radiator doesn’t. Like shutting off if tipped over, and the ability to shut off if it gets too hot.

My old radiator, which I got as a 5/6-year-old, came from the late 80s or early 90s, so it has no safety features.

Still sucks that I had to buy a new one, but at least this one has nice safeties

 

[littleoc]

Alligator is DELICIOUS if anyone was wondering

There were more people at my sister’s house than expected but we’ll see how that goes

New bait for my mom: Do you want your grandkid to be able to spend the night?

She’s been whiny at me for insisting she at least text Susan

Rough stuff, may get into trauma stuff tomorrow, night goof off until I know when I’m seeing my therapist, though (had to cancel)

Weird thing on my mind still: Can’t figure out where Buddy the newt went! Must mean I dissociated. But I have no idea why I would have. I have a vague memory of seeing him not alive and I think I buried him in the back by a wild tree, but the actual death? Not a thing... guessing that the vague memory I described is just my brain trying to make a memory that isn’t available — like tricking a witness. But I remember the tree he was buried by for some reason.