Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Slight tangent.

I woke up in a good enough mood.

I remembered to go eat, so I went out into the kitchen to get food. Cooking is out of the question again, as the stove top is once again completely covered. So, sorry, last egg. You get to just remain cold in the fridge. I guess.

Decided to make myself a sandwich. Cream cheese and jelly, easy enough. Well, no counter space. Use half a burner. Carefully work around the piles of junk because if you slightly nudge them they can avalanche on you and it can be painful and stressful. Plus, my mom sleeps right next to the kitchen, so it'd wake her up so I'd be triggered (sudden noises I would make as a child used to end up with me getting seriously injured by a father figure) as well as having to act calm so my mom doesn't get too angry.

Thinking of that gave me flashbacks to it. So I started to notice that the house is creepy quiet. And I couldn't focus. I wanted to listen to music because that's the only thing the one neurologist noticed got my brain functioning again after the TBI.

He said it was because the crosswiring in my brain is turning out to be a huge advantage. When my brain starts to struggle, the synesthesia and some other "disorders" activate several areas of the brain that aren't normally interacting in the "average" adult brain. The only part not functioning the whatever recognizes faces, but at least I only think people are seven different people and not imposters. :)

Anyway, I'm trying to say that trying to make food for the regular eating schedule is really, really hard and it's stressing me out. And listening to music now. It's meditative.

 

[littleoc]

I have noticed that to focus now days, I have to have music playing. I was having a serious problem in that house I rented for Nestle a while back. That was because it didn't have Internet. So I couldn't stream music. Worse, Nestle couldn't do any of her tasks at all, so I stopped being able to wake up. I think I mentioned that in this diary.

I am really proud that my brain is doing well enough now that I wasn't napping every single day at work when working full time. The worker's comp insurance wasn't taking me seriously. And, I stopped having to shut down at 8pm. And no longer suddenly can't read anymore.

But anyway, yeah, I ended up working with Apple directly for a medical thing to get me some low-cost and free music so listen to in the mornings so that my brain would actually start responding to things. I don't know why it has to be music, but whatever. :P

But the fact that I feel like I can't have music around my mom as much, it's really making things more difficult. It's definitely part of the reason I'm waking up at noon or later. And sleeping 10-14 hours a day. For some reason Nestle won't wake me up when I'm here. In my mom's house.

I have a hypothesis that Nestle can sense that my brain isn't firing correctly and she's waiting for it to be right before she wakes me up? Not sure though. One time I kind of woke up and then Nestle wiggled up and sniffed my face, looked at me excitedly, and then immediately laid back down. Even though the last time that she had peed was twelve hours before that point. I mentioned it here but not that detailed.

I don't know what I'm going to do without the space to train another service dog. I was supposed to have started that already. Nestle actually needs to retire in some ways by now. I never had any space.

 

[littleoc]

I'm also a bit depressed because every time I look into the dining room where I know the menorah and the dreidel fell, I remember that the holidays will suck this year. As they have every year for the past ten years. Because my mom's idea of holidays is to buy us all a lot of cool stuff. And to have a Christmas tree. But not for Jesus? It's a Santa thing for her. But she was raised Catholic. And my dad started shunning all religion and being atheist and telling us kids that when we die, we feel nothing forever. Rude thing to tell a five-year-old. In my opinion.

Then he turned pagan out of nowhere and claimed to be a witch named Moonflower but I think he's doing that to impress vulnerable women, because he told me that pagan women all come from traumatic pasts.

I did like hearing about Faerieland, though. And elves. I looked for elves in Iceland in the countryside. There was a man who showed us a pond where they drink from, which he said very quietly because generally you can't tell tourists that kind of thing. And we were a huge group of Americans on his farm house so definitely good to keep that hushed. The people on the trip with me kept thinking it was me being manipulative because I'm a scientist, and therefore cannot possibly be interested in things that contradict science. I basically told them that they were wrong without bothering to explain. If they aren't curious about humans, they should have picked different professions. And schools.

But anyway, yeah, my mom probably let the menorah and dreidel stay where they were. But they were antiques so at the very least they should be cared for for that quality. They've been passed down for generations. She's usually much kinder about that kind of thing. But I found the matryoshka in a pile of things covered in cat puke and had to rescue that. So I guess at this point maybe she's just saving so much that we can't have anything. No heritage either.

Feels like a good metaphor for the excessive memory disorder but I'm going to ignore that for now. I'm sick of waking up in a good mood, only to always feel terrible after I smell cat poop and can barely move. The OCD has gotten strong again and now every time I'm in the shower, if I accidentally touch the wall or the floor, I have to restart the entire shower ritual. I showered three times last night. I just can't feel clean.

Brandi was living in a house that had no floors and had dog and cat shit on every single square inch, so at least I live in a place that has paths you can walk down. Without having to step over animal shit. But I can smell it. And it's driving me crazy. And I bet that menorah is ruined and it really breaks my heart to think that.

Luckily I mostly celebrate Halloween and Thanksgiving so all is not lost. It's not fair though.

 

[littleoc]

List for therapist:

• house is overwhelming
• looking for moving out support
• is buying a house by age 26-30 a reasonable goal
• can someone with PTSD be a pediatrician
• how to feel safe while in session
• how to feel safe when brother in law is calling me stupid
• should I even try to celebrate the holiday? I could find some power in it. The we-can't-be-oppressed-because-of-the-mercy-of-G-d-thing

Things therapist will be proud of me for:

• I am saying no to my mom about leaving the house to eat (so I can get more work done)
  • I can say "no" at all
• I am able to talk more now, to the point that my mom has started tuning me out a little, which means that I have officially found my voice even better than when I started talking in high school
  • thanks, forum members :)
• I am keeping up with the "Vision" we set up, where I picture what I want to be and start booting things out that don't comply with my Vision (stopped answering phone calls from Dad, despite feeling REALLY guilty and sad for him; am planning on not taking care of my mom directly anymore and moving out so I can have my own space)
• I am focusing more on things
• I forgot the last thing

Things my therapist might be disappointed to hear:

• I've been depressed and can't shake it off easily (without being a Fungus but she doesn't know about that)
• I have been too afraid to start the antidepressant but my psychiatrist told me it's okay
  • might be related to the anti-psychotic drug I was force fed in a hospital before they nearly killed me, because I couldn't recognize anyone
• I stopped exercising as much
• I am still afraid of anyone who tries to be my friend
• I am still keeping tons of secrets

 

[littleoc]

Aaaaand now my safe corner of the house smells like shit.

I can't handle this right now. Screw this paper. I'm taking a walk.

Is there some reason the bathroom has to be build right f*cking next to the intake vent? I was still eating.

I hate living with someone who doesn't take care of themselves. If I say "shit is not ever supposed to smell like it's been rotting a a sewage for seven days" she'll probably just say I'm being mean.

She said that about the nurse who told her to go to the ER. I can't f*cking deal with this.

 

[littleoc]

I think I'd rather die than keep living here. I really can't take the flashbacks.

 

[littleoc]

Good thing I'm planning on getting out.

 

[littleoc]

I already have most the things I need.

 

[littleoc]

I just need an income. That's all. I could probably move without spending anything on furniture. I could nab two twin beds and pretend it's a short king. I could take one or both of my dressers. I already have basic kitchen supplies from having lived away from home so often.

What else does someone need to move out? I might want to pay for internet so I don't have to go to the library to do all my papers. Or, get unlimited data so I can hotspot whenever I feel like it.

 

[littleoc]

It makes me mad. If she took care of herself, I could live here rent-free. She pays for all my food and doesn't even want me to leave. She's really generous and spends her free time making winter and summer kits for homeless people. But she can't take care of herself and I'd rather be homeless than deal with it.

 

[littleoc]

Seriously, I was happier in a tent in Iceland in the middle of nowhere, and then sleeping on people's couches in living rooms that were not so cluttered that I couldn't touch anything.

 

[bellbird]

I wish you were here so you could move in with us.
There'd be plenty of room for you and Nestle, and Dove and Tweeter would be best friends.

I think I'd rather die than keep living here. I really can't take the flashbacks.

I really really really want you to stay alive.
So I'm really proud to see you making plans in here about moving :hug: :hug: :hug: