Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Maybe I should start a separate thread, but I don’t actually know what I don’t know.

 

[littleoc]

Maybe later.

It would help if I at least had the right sized bed. It’s way too small. Almost like it was purchased for a toddler. Sarcasm. It was.

 

[bellbird]

Just woke up from a nightmare too.

You are safe @littleoc .
But I hope you can shake the nightmare feelings soon :hug:

 

[littleoc]

:hug:

 

[littleoc]

Oh, it’s December. Cool.

I have a driver’s test in a few days. I guess I can’t legslly use my health insurance card as a secondary identity though. Haha.

 

[littleoc]

My therapist is giving me more free appointments because she says she’s never seen me quite like this and she’s really concerned. She wants to at least help me move out and survive the minimum of two months I need until I feel safe about moving out.

 

[Kubash16]

I am so glad she is working with you so well!

 

[littleoc]

She told me she is considering calling adult protective services. I don’t think she will yet, but it’s nice to know she cares. ?

She also said some other stuff, I’ll get to it later.

 

[littleoc]

Me too @Kubash16!!!!!! I feel so honored

 

[bellbird]

Soo glad to hear you have a T who genuinely cares about you, @littleoc !
Makes me feel a little better, since I hate that I can't be there to -actually- help you.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Do you feel safe @littleoc ? I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. No joke you deserve so much better, I know you will get there.

 

[littleoc]

Do you feel safe @littleoc ?

Not really, no, if I'm honest. Talking to a therapist made me realize that it's really not fine. To be having so many flashbacks and feel like if I touch a wall or floor I need to shower, and she agrees that my mom has gotten a bit delusional about everything.

I kind of realized that before. I didn't record it here because it was pointless, but my mom is having serious signs of nerve issues. Like handing me things and dropping them before I even reach out to get it. She has done that with my dinner even, which I did mention here because it upset me. It was funny like the first time but when she never corrected it I realized there's something going on and it's not good. Could be any number of nerves, maybe multiple, causing that kind of glitch.

She won't treat her diabetes and now there's no way to afford it and that's not even what she was concerned about, so whatever.

I just want her to apply for disability and I'm too exhausted to do anything about this house anymore. She hasn't agreed that the above-and-beyond efforts three of her four children did to get this house cleaned was enough of a reason to get the house cleaned. My siblings and I have cleaned this house multiple times over ten years and it's past the final straw for me. I'm not doing it anymore. I can't deal with this place. It's dangerous.

My 5th tree died from the "mysterious" infection and when I told my mom this all she did was say, "Man, that sucks," and then ask me what we should do about dinner. She treats the mess like it's normal unless one of my grandparents might see it. Then she's terrified. After she accidentally loses control of her bowels she thinks it's fine to go into restaurants, when any rational person would be so freaked out that they'd want to go straight home and shower and change. I just don't understand.

No joke you deserve so much better, I know you will get there.

Thank you :hug:

I think you do too, for the record. :)

I am thinking of moving out before I can fully afford it. I would rather be homeless. It would be cleaner to live in the forest and come out for groceries. Living here from January to May was hard enough. Now I'm nearing that again and going through the same inner turmoil as before. Except being way too aware this time that my mom isn't going to agree to help. So I'm done wasting my energy on it.

And I'm not sure what she's doing with her money so I am saving for food. But I did get myself a plush koala.

It's really hard right now. I saw a furniture set for some animal dolls and when I saw that the toys had a clear living room that was safe and functional I got upset.

I can't believe my mom ever blamed me for this. She must have been delusional since I was a child. I told my therapist about her having me work in dangerous conditions to fix the HVAC and how I almost got seriously injured. And how my mom got angry when I told her that the heavy duty aluminum foil she got wasn't enough to fix the damn thing and that someone professional needed to work on the insulation and the wrapping and cleaning out the glass bits that were everywhere. Meanwhile my room was 80F or above while the rest of the house was 50F or less. I don't know the exact numbers because the hallway system is in Fahrenheit but at least Fahrenheit is really useful for knowing approximates.