Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[somerandomguy]

Hey, how's everything?

 

[littleoc]

Sorry for the long pause! I’ve been exhausted. I managed to stay up until midnight on New Year’s Eve!! But it gave me a bit of a headache, and also last night I didn’t sleep well and then I drove, so I ordered some shitty Parmesan chicken (just being honest!) so I wouldn’t have to clear off the stove and cook lol

But I had that job interview today!!! It went really well, I think! I’ll hopefully hear back in a week or two! ?? If not then that interview was great practice!

How about you, @somerandomguy? :D ?

 

[Kubash16]

Yay! Fingers crossed on the job!

 

[somerandomguy]

More fingers crossed here!

I've been better. I have a bad cold and I feel depressed.

 

[TTC18]

But I had that job interview today!!! It went really well, I think! I’ll hopefully hear back in a week or two! ?? If not then that interview was great practice!

Excellent attitude!!!

 

[littleoc]

Thank you!!!!

@somerandomguy Sorry you're still depressed :hug: :hug: :hug: I hope you feel better now, or at least soon. :) :hug:

 

[littleoc]

My mom accidentally frustrated me just now and I'm frustrated that I'm frustrated. My inner thought is "it's not my responsibility" so I guess I'm being too independent again, not totally sure.

It reminded me of the millions of times I tried to teach her things and she shut me down. Usually because I was a teenager or "less."

She didn't mean harm but it caused harm.

One example: I was twelve or thirteen. My mom and I were in the grocery store. My mom was trying to hurry because my dad would freak out if she took more time than he wanted. The amount of time always changed. I was trying to enjoy the time away from home.

My dad called on her cell phone. She picked up quickly so he wouldn't get mad. He demanded more alcohol.

My mom rolled her eyes and said in an angry passive-aggressive way, "Fine. What kind?" Then hung up on him.

I was annoyed. I said, "Have you ever heard of the abuse triangle? You're being an enabler. Don't buy the alcohol."

I can still picture how she slumped against the cart. Like she gave up and was already sick of my voice. It made me angry. She told me sometimes you have to do what you're told. That if she didn't, he would get angry.

I told her to divorce him again. All of her kids told her to divorce him all the time from the time we were able to talk onward. "Divorce" was one of the big first words we knew.

My mom ignored me. Said I would understand one day.

She must have told him about this because a week later or so he tried to frame me for underaged drinking. He failed. I think he genuinely felt bad about it but I'm not sure. He was trying to get back at my mom, not me, probably. I was the only one of his kids he ever said "I love you" to so I don't know.

 

[littleoc]

I hope I never understand why I would want to cooperate with a psycho who was abusing my children.

 

[littleoc]

My mom tells me that my favorite character from Winnie the Pooh was Eeyore because I always wanted to cheer him up and make him happy.

I used to do that to my mom as a kid. Now I can't. I get too angry. I get invalidated, shut down, insulted, or she'll say even worse things about herself. Now days? It reminds me of Brandi. How she would start cutting herself and banging her head against things if I didn't think of a way to fix her mood quickly.

My mom's no safer. She'd start fights with monsters without expecting to be able to keep her kids safe. I don't get it. I can't wrap my head around it. But that's probably because I was the one fighting back again my dad, protecting my little brother, getting pinned against walls and slammed down while I was trying to use the phone to call for help.

Even if my mom thought this was all normal, why not at least try to go for the power move and kick him the f*ck out? Why did I have to do it? I'm glad I did but it was a moment I'd rather not have gone through. I thought I was about to become an orphan. Like my cousins.

I wonder why my grandparents didn't adopt them.

I'm sick of the confusing memories of being encouraged to bully my little brother while also standing over him protecting him from our dad. And then my little brother learning to bully me. At least we're even now? We get along great now days. :)

 

[littleoc]

Several days ago I also got creeped out because I suddenly remembered something from Iceland. I was like a mile behind everyone else due to being me I guess, and I was walking with one of the professors. He thought I was boring I think.

A man with a girl on his shoulders carefully climbed down toward us. It was difficult. A storm was rolling in and the wind was above 50mph. He had to shout over the wind a couple of times at us, "Have you seen a girl about eight years old in a red coat walking by herself?" Really sad moment. I obviously don't know how that story ends but I assume she was fine because no missing people were reported in the area for the next several days :)

 

[littleoc]

I hate how one trigger brings in like all the triggers. I would like to live in a different house now. Getting there, though. I will go to synagogue tomorrow and that will hopefully refresh my brain. Plus the book club is meeting. I haven't finished the book but I can show up and show interest anyway. :D

 

[ILoveLife]

My inner thought is "it's not my responsibility" so I guess I'm being too independent again, not totally sure.

You're not being too independent. It's really not your responsibility.
Good thought, not bad thought.

I was the only one of his kids he ever said "I love you" to so I don't know.

Do you think after all he did to you, that was true?