Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[somerandomguy]

I can't find it but will ask SRW.

 

[somerandomguy]

She uses lekvar for the filling.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you!!! and thank you to SRW as well!!

 

[littleoc]

Everything that’s happened in the last three months is really bothering me. I went from extremely hopeful and confident to afraid to talk in the wrong setting.

I really think it’s a combination of being in the house my dad abused me in, but also having to deal with constant rejection all the time. Scottie wants to be friends and now I’m terrified I’m going to mess it up. I don’t even know why. It’s unlikely.

I’ve tried asking the rabbis questions and they mostly just dismiss me without satisfying my curiosity. But I didn’t really know how else to introduce myself. Guess I’ve been in school too long.

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me lately. But everything really, really hurt my confidence and now I don’t even want to post in other people’s posts on these forums for fear of looking like an idiot. Which is not normally something I fear.

Only thing I can think of is that job interview where they asked if I was Christian after a bunch of weird questions about my personal life. They gave each other looks and then told me to leave. It kinda hurt, even though it shouldn’t have. They were just being judgemental. No big deal. It happens. It’s not something I should worry about.

In Iceland this was an issue too. That class was one of the worst groups of people I have ever been stuck with. I tried blending in with them and staying distinct at the same time. Nothing worked. Professors were interrupting me mid-sentence to ask other students about their lives. I think it was all the physical weaknesses. I was physically shaking before having to be on the glacier because the professor I had to be around all the time kept telling me it’d be crazy difficult and everyone would be waiting on me. He turned out to have been wrong.

I saw that trip as proof that nothing would stop me, though. But I was embarrassed that I was so weak even after months of working out for it. And then having literally none of them care about me until the night I forgot who I was and Nestle wasn’t around to help.

It made me feel so pathetic. And worse was not being listened to at all.

Reminded me of being a child.

Clearly I’m still really depressed. I’m feeling worthless still. My mind has cleared up just enough to be able to remember parts of my identity for a class. But not well. I took the personality test four times and got three different personalities.

Not that you can take those 100% at face value, just that I’m trying to give my protagonist of the novel I’m writing a different core personality from myself. Hard to do, though. I think the novel I’m writing is very close to my trauma but I don’t see it as being a problem. The main problem is my confidence. I need to hurry up and get it back before I go insane. I can’t apply for jobs, show up for interviews, write to be judged (the writing judged, not me), or be my normal self like this.

I hate it and I wish my therapist would care more about this than the stupid house I’m living in (why does it take over my life so much?), so I canceled my appointments. I’m just very confused about why I’m acting like I’m going to end up alone with my dad again. I need to do something to get my normal confidence back. I need to stop submitting to people’s evil eyes. They can get over themselves.

 

[littleoc]

I can’t believe I’m still in bed at 3pm. Why am I doing this to my animals?

 

[littleoc]

Maybe my mom telling me I’m overreacting and not asking me how my days are going is part of the issue. But it’s definitely not the full issue or else I’d have been having this confidence issue before I went back to the University to work that library job.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s confusing me because I’m usually extremely confident and on top of everything.

 

[littleoc]

Definitely too confident and independent. The kind of person who thinks that if I ever date, I hope she’s okay with us having two bedrooms...

 

[littleoc]

Maybe a side effect of feeling like I was unable to get space from Brandi even when I was thousands of miles away. Or being in a cluttered house.

Brandi would have clutter everywhere and ask me to help with it. I wanted wanted my own bed so SOMETHING, SOMEWHERE could feel clean. Only reason I loved the hospital. So clean. People not trying to hug you all the time.

Though at least at home no one asks me to tell them how I feel all the time. I both want someone to care and am completely terrified of the idea, so. Best to just not be asked.

 

[littleoc]

Maybe it’s some kind of mal-adaptive survival instinct that’s come back to haunt me.

Growing up with my dad, I realized I had to always know how he was emotionally and I had to make sure he liked me, no matter what. Definitely don’t want to talk about that right now.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm sorry littleoc, I think this stuff just comes in waves sometimes. You aren't worthless, you are a wonderful person, sensitive, caring, intelligent, loyal...I mean the list goes on and on. You will find a way through because you have that kind of strength. Please give yourself a break and look for the little wins.

:hug:

edit: it's great you are talking through it. That's a win right there.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you, @MrMoonlight :hug:

 

[littleoc]

I didn't make it to the vigil.