Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I like this new computer because now when I pick emojis to use, I can actually see what they are instead of having to guess. That computer was from 2011, and this one is from 2019, so that's cool.

Although it was fun guessing which hearts were the opposite colors of the ones I was answering to. Because my old computer would only show hearts with lines in them going in different directions, except for the one that had spots. I think I figured out the spotted one showed up as purple on other, more modern devices. Kind of fun.

 

[littleoc]

Body of Child Missing 20 Years Is Found in Mother's Home

(Warning, triggering article. Child abuse.)

Surely if this woman and her brother could call police over the 20-year-ago murder of their sister, getting a hoarded house cleaned up should be nothing. Way less terrible than if my mom had killed my sibling. Or if my dad had. For f*ck's sake, I managed to get help for my dad being murder-y. The house shouldn't be this hard.

Then again, it was me who had to get help, after living with the dude for 13 years. Because no one would listen. Now people want to help and my mom's too scared. It makes me angry because it's painful to have to see someone live somewhere like this when I know she doesn't deserve it.

Also, f*ck that lady in that article. I hope the sound of a screaming baby continues to haunt her forever. She deserves the guilt she feels.

For those who can't read the article, what I'm referring to is this: the young man, 23, wanted to meet his birth mother. He got home and some relatives started asking him if he had located his twin sister. Confused, he asked an older sibling about the mystery sister he didn't know he had. The older sister broke down and said she feared that their mother had murdered their sister years ago and had been carrying the body to every new apartment she moved to. The mother was also telling neighbors that the sound of a crying child was keeping her up at night, despite tenants insisting that no children were around. The siblings both decided together to call the police.

Except I don't need an outside opinion to tell me that the house needs to be fixed. Whatever, though. No money.

 

[littleoc]

Did I tell y'all a hoarding company accidentally called me?

I answered, and got a, "Hey, this is Linda" (not her real name) "at Hoarding Company! I was calling to see if you were ready to help relocate the cats."

I told her I thought she had the wrong Rebecca, and she laughed and then told me the entire history of the case. Apparently the owner of the cats passed away and the cats have to be rehomed.

Made me sad, but at least the cats are getting a new, clean home.

Probably some kind of sign.

 

[littleoc]

I still remember the day I found out I was smarter than the cat who was trying to raise me. The cat noticed it too. It was pretty funny.

I miss sneaking around the house at night as a toddler. But I do not miss being caged up all day, leaving me to be restless at night. The catfood was okay. I preferred bananas.

 

[littleoc]

I used to get in so much trouble in the mornings when my dad would find holes poked in the bananas. I didn't know you were supposed to open them, so with my little toddle hands I would poke a hole into the banana and then suck out the fruit, and tear away at the peel. It was fun. And I thought I was leaving enough for breakfast so that my nightly crime wouldn't be noticed. At first I didn't get in trouble. It took a few days for adults to start reacting in front of me.

My mom still tells those stories. I was hungry and in need of some kind of mental stimulation, you know? Smart kids don't do well in cages. I have no regrets.

I would also steal things from around the house and hide them in my crib. And then weirdly vivid people that weren't real would come talk to me about them. Psychologists tell me this is possibly completely normal, because they don't know how children's minds work for the most part.

 

[Freida]

You are a fabulous, loving, kind, smart, amazing woman.
Don't EVER let anyone make you think differently about that or I"m gonna break out my feather duster!

 

[littleoc]

Thanks, @Freida :hug: :hug:

You’re awesome :) I hope you’re taking a lot of time for yourself.

 

[littleoc]

Had a scary dream with the pedophile in it.

The pedophile didn’t do anything scary, though. He was just standing around, trying to chat with me, which is what he normally did.

The scary things were in the environment. A lady who was not all there suddenly looking at me, like my uncle would after he was found — ten years after being missing after the government “lost him” in their “care.” The freezer I needed was on a stair case that went way too far down into the darkness. So I had to stand carefully by the freezer. Had to put a live mouse in it. Not all the doors in the freezer worked. Some compartments couldn’t freeze. Some were already full of dead animals, like my dad would do.

My dead mouse came back to life and my dead fish looked like they were swimming, but it was just the greasy water making them move. Felt so disturbing.

Reminds me of the dream where there was a secret basement at the pedo’s house that I had to explore. It was dark, full of stone, and smelled like blood.

I think the dreams were triggered by all the blood, and the smell of it, from a mouse recently.

 

[littleoc]

Fun story:

My mom’s grandma instincts are too strong. She was really tired this morning and went to get food at McDonald’s, ordered a happy meal, and didn’t realize her mistake until she went all the way to the second window ?

On the bright side, it was more than enough food, and she got an apple juice and toy. The toy’s pretty adorable honestly

Anyway, she came back with boxes and boxes of insulin, so that’s a great sign and it makes me happier

 

[littleoc]

This is nice (it’s just a picture)

Hope this day comes for all of us too

 

[Juso]

Maybe I can try that eventually?
Maybe after I get pregnant, if I still can. My body doesn’t seem to know how to work, lol. 9-month long periods, years without periods and growing beards — it’s annoying. Need The hormones. Though I’d be willing to try coming off of them again if I got smaller boobs and maybe even no periods again. That was cool. Lol. Apparently a cancer risk though.

Yeah, my mum had breastcancer and had to take medications to block her hormones because otherwise the cancer risk would have been too high. Maybe your thyroid isn't working properly? Is that a possibility?
But yeah, my boobs thankfully shrunk a lot after getting off the pill, I think I've gone from an almost double D-cup to a C-cup. Which is awesome!? Also I feel much more in tune with my body, which has helped with my dissociation.

 

[littleoc]

Maybe your thyroid isn't working properly? Is that a possibility?

I had bloodwork done a lot in 2017 and 2018 and no doctor/nurse mentioned anything, so I’d assume it all came out normal. My energy level is pretty good :)

I've gone from an almost double D-cup to a C-cup

That sounds amazing... I’m at a DD right now and I can fit my head into one cup of my bra now. It makes me so uncomfortable physically, but also self conscious, too. It sucks — I was almost willing to go surgery to make it stop, just as I lost insurance! (I may not have anyway. I have enough scars. And don’t want to have to pay for it.)

I've seen 70 year old people, still being abused by their 90 year old parents.
This shit doesn't stop.

Sophy, you don’t have to read this, I’m just putting it here. :) No worries if you creep on out after notifications summon you, if they do at all

Just wanted to say this statement gave me like a pseudo-flashback to a woman “dying” in a hospital I was in. I can’t get it confirmed or denied that she died, though. I really think being hospitalized retraumatized me a lot even without this event that happened. One patient was convinced another one had killed his family that he’d JUST gotten off the phone with and attacked him and I felt useless. I had no access to water AGAIN and got an IV AGAIN so I keep doubting my memories. I tried trusting the nurses and it was mostly fine.

Anyway. I’m probably not ready to discuss that.

My therapist has not fully noticed yet that I tricked her into getting out of therapy. I can’t pay her and she won’t accept my money so I’ve gotten weird about it. But she did call me today to ask if she could share my phone number with a social worker who could possibly help me get what I need to move out, so that’s nice. I went ahead and said yes with some strict boundaries attached.

I hung out with Scottie all day! It was really nice. Dude’s fun to be around. We both complained about hoarding parents. His dad hoards like my dad used to. I got home and immediately felt closed in and anxious, though. I’m trying to be strong about it. It’s where I live right now so I’m going to have to deal with it.

I realized that my twin bro may not agree to come out for birthday celebrations. It’ll be the first year we don’t celebrate together, if that’s true. I don’t understand what my opinion is on this. I’m too worried about hearing about it all day from my family complaining about him being obsessed with his wife.

Maybe that’s so triggering because they’re blaming him, when I know he isn’t responsible? He IS an adult, though, and can be married to whom he wants. Frankly, I’m tired of seeing my family push him around. I don’t like his wife either, and I’m very sure she’s going to traumatize my brother and/or his kids, but at the moment I can’t prove that so I can’t do anything. And it’s not like it would help anything. I just wish they wouldn’t gossip about him. Saying something like “I’m worried about him” and then moving on is all I want. I can’t expect EVERYONE to avoid the subject but if they could at least not be accusing in front of me...

So I’m not sure how birthday will go. I really wish I didn’t feel so concerned about it.

But my birthday will fall on a Saturday this year, so that’s awesome :D :D

My twin bro and I were really close this time last year, texting each other all the time and being chill. He’d keep telling me being gay was wrong though, so on a positive note, he quit saying that to me. So that’s cool