Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[bellbird]

I see myself sitting at a table, with an open kitchen. I cook an entire meal without having to reach to the stove. I have a sink that is empty. I have counters and a drying rack. I put food on a clean plate that I got from the cabinets. I sit and eat at a table.

This is going to happen.
It breaks my heart that you haven't had this until now, but I know without shadow of a doubt that this will happen. And we are here supporting you as much we can until it does (and after it does, too :) )

 

[littleoc]

I think the word Id use to describe that scene is “effortless.” I can do things without clutter ruling my life.

 

[littleoc]

Thanks @bellbird :hug::hug::)

There used to be a table. I don’t really understand what happened to it. I know everyone blamed my little brother but it definitely wasn’t him. Dude was a senior in high school.

 

[LuckiLee]

I really wish You would go talk with someone at your department of human services.

YOU qualify for aid. Health care, food benefits and even low income housing. Because you're an adult now. You don't have to rely on your mom to do this for you. You can do it yourself. ?

Go and tell them your situation. Tell them you can't live with your mom anymore due to your PTSD. (I know you don't want to put the blame on your mom, so don't)

You need to get as much information as you can on the subject so PLEASE go talk to someone! Anyone. Your T, Rabbi, gynecologist, a women's shelter, a lawyer (free consult), @Freida, chime in here ?

If you want something to change? You're gonna have to do it. Your mom won't/can't??? At this point it doesn't even matter... Why she won't....anything??

And, have you gone to your employment office yet? There is a lot of help there too!! Beyond employment.

I really want you to be able to cook in your kitchen, sleep in your bedroom, shower in your clean bathroom, watch tv in your living room and doggo can have room to sprawl all over the place too. ?

Can you go to the library to do your schoolwork?

I'm sorry everything is so hard right now @littleoc. Don't give up. You really can do this. Step by step. Start with the DHS. 1-423-634-6200 or TN.gov / human services. There is a bunch of different offices so you should be able to find one near you. Tell them you have NOWHERE to live. Please. I don't want to say you're desperate but you are in a desperate situation. You shouldn't have to live like that. No one should. It's changing who you should/can be.

Love ya and hugs coming your way. ❤
XO

P.S. I hope you don't take any of that ^^^ the wrong way. It's coming from a place of love and concern. ?

 

[Freida]

Yep...seconding everything @LuckiLee said!

Maybe reframing it would help? You are not harming your mom by leaving or causing problems for her. You are doing what all children do....starting out into your own life. You need some additional help because of the situation you are leaving but it's about YOU. Not her
YOUR future...not her past. She will be who she is - you can't change that. But maybe it's time for you to be you....away from her...starting your own adventures.

Does that help?

 

[littleoc]

I don’t take it badly at all, @LuckiLee. Y’all both help :hug:

The main issue right now is that I’m a student. The only way for me to get food stamps as a student is for me to become employed. The government worker tried everything but unless I quit school I’m not qualified. So my mom needs to step up, but she won’t.

Same thing happened with the health insurance. She had two months to get government insurance, so I kept calling the government asking for what we needed but my mom just wouldn’t do anything. Just kept getting way too stressed out and then freezing up and doing nothing. So now neither of us qualify for anything. The only way I can qualify now is if I have a baby.

I have a case manager currently who’s supposed to be helping me find work and housing. It took nearly a month to finally talk to her because she kept calling me at 7am and then I’d be unable to leave her any messages because her voicemail box is full all the time. She also said she wouldn’t help me unless I drove to the capital of my county to see her, right before my psychiatrist appointment. I’m just not feeling very hopeful about it. But I’m trying. I finally got her when she called and in the middle of May I’ll get to see her. Hopefully she can help.

My last therapist was supposed to give my number to a case manager but never did.

This is probably why I’m so annoyed about dinner tonight. My mom called me, I didn’t want to answer because I was trying to chill but decided I better answer because I was about to be in yoga, and my mom asked me what was for dinner. I said I didn’t know and she could decide, but I had to go.

Called her after dinner, and she’s decided that there’s no dinner, I guess? My sister’s leftovers?

It’s just really frustrating.

Also, every type of exercise I try is leading to more pain. I need to see my doctors but none of them are agreeing to see me without insurance.

I am very frustrated. Trying to be hopeful but getting more and more frustrated.

My mom knows I’m leaving now, so that’s not really holding me back. She and aunts keep making jokes about keeping me here, apparently completely unaware that you can’t live in a house like this.

Granted my aunt is a hoarder too. Her house is so much worse than ours that she has to come to our house to shower, and I haven’t really mentioned it here but I HATE it when she comes over. She always leaves a mess, makes my mom grumpy, stresses me the f*ck out with her suddenly loud movements (she’s deaf). I have a lot more I could complain about but I won’t because I don’t think it would actually help anything.

My aunt used to be a nurse. Fun fact.

Anyway, yoga went okay, except I suddenly can’t do most of the poses and that frustrated me a lot. I feel like someone’s stuffed me into a brick wall I’m supposed to call my body.

Sorry for the rant today, I have to put it somewhere :( I need to get back to my project. I’m having a hard time concentrating.

I am betting the hormonal imbalance is making me wonkier also, along with the hundred of fruit flies I can’t get away from without not being able to do my project. I’m not going back on the hormones though. I feel way more comfortable in my body (minus the torn muscles everywhere) when it doesn’t have to conform to a single gender, I guess? Not sure what the emotions are but the point is I’m more comfortable. So I feel a little more human. Instead of like I’m pretending to be a human.

In fact, I’ve had an easier time talking to people since then. Although one lady in my yoga practice started crying (from happiness, she said) when she found out I was Jewish. I felt weird (not offended though) and not sure if I should tell her that I’m not the most religious person... decided it’s my business and if she talks to me as a fellow human being she’ll probably figure it out. She seems cool. Devout Christian who likes Jewish culture, seems innocent. Haha.

Anyway, that’s the update. I always feel better after discussing the issues.

Btw I tried asking for housing from my unoveristy. Unfortunately, I’m not eligible.

I’d still say I’m mostly female. I guess if all the infections come back I’ll HAVE to go back on the hormones. I was mostly on them to prevent severe anemia (from bleeding for months straight — the record was eight months), cancer (why do doctors always think I have cancer?), and infections. I didn’t realize it was making me feel fake.

Trimming the beard seems okay for now. I NEED to find a doctor that will see me to figure out what else I can do besides hormones. But first I need money. And my grandmother is shunning some of us now so I’m afraid to contact her.

I think my priorties are still (1) project (2) find jobs. Everything else I try just seems to waste time and gas.

Although I hadn’t tried the Rabbi yet, @LuckiLee. I’ll see if she knows anything that could help.

Sorry, there’s a lot going on in my head.

 

[littleoc]

Does that help?

And yes, everything y’all say always helps. It me feel like you guys are listening and are on my side. So it always helps. :)

 

[Freida]

Sorry for the rant today, I have to put it somewhere

Never apologize for venting...that's why we are here!! :hug:

 

[littleoc]

I have a scientifically mystery on my hands. But it’s personal.

I found more stressed houseplants. Examined them thoroughly.

More mites. Same ones that killed the false aralia.

How are they spreading? What type of mite are they?

And are the “false fruit flies” really dung flies? I can tell by looking that they aren’t even in the same family as fruit flies. But there are more than 120,000 species of flies. So “dung fly” is likely the closest I’ll get.

At least I’ve ruled out phorid flies. Those are my least favorite species, probably.

Send good vibes or prayers to my plants, please, and don’t laugh.

 

[littleoc]

I have a lot to say again but it’s 3:30am and I have friends to hang out with tomorrow, so it’s gonna wait.

My grandmother is suddenly very invested in my job hunt after I told her I might temporarily work in fast food. She implied it would make our family look bad and people would hear about it. I sort of think that ship sailed with my dad being a literal psychopath, but okay. He got bailed out of jail and wasn’t put in the news directly though. Like I said in previous posts, people have slowly stopped asking me about him.

Also I live in a hoard. That’s not even an uncommon problem in the US or Europe.

It offended me that my grandmother acted like I would be less of a person if I took that kind of job. Weird, because she was fine with my brother having a job like that. I told my mom about it and she promised she didn’t see anything wrong with it. Now she’s got an interview for food stamps. So maybe there was another story I didn’t know about going on.

I think realizing my grandparents had me grow up cripplingly poor when they had the power (in several ways) to do something is getting to me. It’s probably much more complicated than I can understand. What adults do isn’t like beginning science — nothing I can study to figure out how to figure it out. I am just really confused.

I don’t think it was because of healthy boundaries, because they clearly want their son (my dad) to be known to the public as totally normal. I don’t really know what the public thinks and I’m not gonna try to find out. Every time I googled him in the past I came out furious so it’s just not going to help me.

I think if I had been in the symphony and worked with famous singers, bands, and musicians for TV, radio, singles, movies, all that — I think I’d be just like my grandparents in being philanthropists. But I don’t understand how they were so okay with anything my dad did? Shouldn’t HE be the embarrassment? I mean... at least I’m trying to look for work. That’s already more than my dad does. They bought my dad a new house, a new car, funds for dog food, they gave him all of my family’s addresses while hiding his, pretty much anything he could want. It’s always been that way for him. All he does is take their money. Steal it or demand it.

And then my grandparents get weird about it. They take it out on us kids for not agreeing to visit him, even though when we did he acted strange and tried to stalk our mom. It’s like my grandparents are unsure what to do with my father, so instead of enacting boundaries on him, they punish everyone else and then have over strict boundaries with others. But sometimes not.

Then again my grandmother tells everyone she hates my dad until my grandfather (the Russian side) is in the room. There’s clearly a lot I don’t know and I probably don’t want to know what’s going on... I really love my grandparents and just want them to chill. I don’t want any money — I am very glad I wasn’t raised without empathy like my dad was. But also, I’m freaking out about how to get a new service dog while my grandma just wants my dog to be as public and beautiful as possible. I want a program dog and she could afford it without breaking a sweat, yet today I cringed while buying a five dollar sandwich.

Again, I don’t want to be wealthy and important like them. I just want to know why I grew up so poor that I had watch my mom cry as she determined which necessities to put back on the shelf. And worry all the time about bills. Including now. Do they really care about me? Didn’t I deserve to at least be comfortable? Maybe be allowed to talk to my own mom instead of get abnormally attached to toy dinosaurs and cats?

 

[littleoc]

Also my sister tells me that Brandi changed her name to something else — not sure what 100%. I actually couldn’t remember what she had Fungus call her. She was experimenting with being male. Fungus is all about knowing oneself and offered to call her by any name or gender she wanted to try, in a safe space.

So, I was kind of proud to hear she made it public.

And then suddenly I felt a horrible hatred in my heart that I’ve only felt a couple times in my life. Once for a high school classmate who murdered his parents while his big brother was in college. Once when I realized the pedophile gave me PTSD. A very special hatred that I really dislike. But I don’t understand why I felt it, and that made me horrified with the emotion. So I stepped back and tried to view my emotions in a non-judgemental way — and then got even more confused.

See, I don’t know whose hatred this is. At the dinner table (we ate out) I kept talking like normal — not like I was dissociative. Nestle stood up a couple times, nothing major. I didn’t acknowledge that hatred. It was mine but it wasn’t. In my heart I’m still glad she got what she needed out of me. But there’s something really, REALLY dark about the pride. Visceral hatred, and I don’t know who was hating and who was being proud.

So, my hypotheses are either

(A) It’s mine. (Me as in the whole mind?) From all those years of having to help Brandi with things while I was totally ignored. Of having to f*ck her when I didn’t want to and then being told I was too disgusting and shameful to love back. Down to telling me that I needed to be an atheist and never drink. So maybe there’s a little part that wants her to stay 100% the same and never develop into the person she’s supposed to be without me. Because I spent years, ten years, being held back and told never to change even though I was getting better and she’s wasnt. I had to stay the crazy one.

Or (B) something is up with Fungus. I’ve been slowly intregrating but also separating so that I can see objectively — after all, he was created to serve a role in a literary situation. My TBI is mostly healed because I’m lucky (as i always am) and I no longer believe a fungus is friends with Brandi. But that ... part? I hate parts — that’s a trigger. But I don’t have a better word at 4:15am. Anyway. I think maybe he’s angry that Brandi accepted his help, and yet bailed when it was her who asked for the constant attention.

Hard to explain. There is a heartbreak and betrayal feeling in there. And when I think back and realize she may be blaming me still, like she did for ten years — it was always me who had to fix things. Always me having to negotiate, accept that I was gross, be told I was confused about who I was. It makes me so angry. It makes me angry that she used me and didn’t care about how I felt or what I thought. She just acted like she did. When deep down, she only cared about herself.

It’s weird, because if she is out as another name or as trans, it’s still not something she’d be happy with. Her family will judge her, her girlfriend (the one she cheated on me for while the “lady” was engaged to a man) will still wish she were with a man, and much more — mostly that Brandi was the most negative person I knew and was almost never happy. And that makes me sad. So why would I also feel hatred? And why hatred, when I feel that so rarely?

Maybe I need to glance back in this diary fir more anger and hatred. I get hateful feelings sometimes but not this strong. It must be some kind of pain.

Which is weird, because I don’t plan on seeing her again. Maybe at the high school reunion, but I probably won’t look at her. I probably won’t recognize her, or anyone else for that matter. What I mean is that at the same time as all this, what I’m most concerned with is my weird hatred. Because otherwise I don’t really care — i haven’t thought about Brandi in weeks, maybe months. She came up in therapy today but otherwise she’s kind of just a catalyst of trauma in my mind.

Which leaves me going back to my 2015 self, before I had this diary — I feel like I’m trying to define two very distinct people living in one mind again.

I’m too tired to explain that further but I get the feeling it’s fine without explanation.

 

[littleoc]

Also btw I had a very great weekend, don’t worry. I’m just too tired still to discuss it, but it was great

And I think I am ready to date again. I might try. Still worried about the “what if I don’t realize she suckd and stay with someone for ten years AGAIN only for it to once again not work” which might make me seem too serious? Who knows :P