Now I'm annoyed. Slightly. Nothing bad really happened, and I can't fully locate why it's annoying me because nothing anti-freedom happened or anything. I'm doing much better lately with being able to talk with my mom about casual stuff. She started using Facebook again and has apparently been trying to tag me in things (I don't log in enough to have gotten them) so she was showing me those and doing regular bonding stuff. No problem there, except that when I went up there to see things I felt claustrophobic because I couldn't even walk around without running into empty two liter coke zero and diet coke bottles. I'd say that her being disabled could be related to that, but she could try remembering them and taking them down one at a time.
Secondly, I pointed out that she buried the WiFi router again and I mentioned how that can (sort of, not completely) mess up the signal, so my computer across the house can't get it. Which is why I've just hooked my computer up to the Ethernet after sending it through the powerlines with an expensive-ish device I shouldn't have needed (thanks, brother, for getting that for me).
And thirdly, she really annoyed me today. When I got back from therapy today I just chilling in my car with the windows down, just hanging out, which is a good time to come talk to me, since I'm not in the middle of anything for once if I'm doing that. She started talking about bills, and she told me that she has managed to get most of them covered for the month, and that after that the organization that gave her the money has said they won't help for another six months. And then she basically told me that I should pay the bill, if I want Internet for school. Which is true, I was just slightly annoyed at the way it was worded because I didn't want to give off the I'll-always-pay-it vibe, but I could also tell by the way she told me about it that she had rehearsed it a little (I'm not a mindreader, obviously) and was either (a) trying to make it clear that it wasn't a question, because we need Internet, or (b) trying to make sure that saying no wouldn't be an option. Not really in a manipulative way, because it's true, but it annoyed me mildly. BUT NOT A BIG DEAL because it felt like a business arrangement of sorts and was in no way taking advantage of me. I'm benefiting myself by supporting that bill. And she tried to find another way, it sounds like.
But it did eat into my saving for Nestle's next surgery. I told her that, though she didn't respond. I assured her anyway that it was fine for now because I don't have enough to comfortably get her surgery done yet, so I will have time to replenish the account. That is true and, I feel, very reasonable for both of us.
What made me slightly more annoyed, and this is also completely meaningless, I'm just wanting to put it somewhere so I can go to sleep instead of thinking about it, was that later, after I paid it, I wasn't thanked, which is also fine because on the flip side I'm weird about being thanked for things. I tend to say, "The cat did it" when thanked for doing dishes or taking out the trash or literally anything. Probably because I'm usually annoyed at having had to do anything in the mess that is supposed to be a house. And, maybe my mom is trying to not let my behavior make her feel bad for me paying a bill that I agreed to pay already. Which is a healthy enough response for someone who was not allowed to be in control of her own money for basically her entire life before she divorced my dad. That reaction isn't really my business, and rationally I'm completely aware that I don't need to be thanked for things like this. And in fact I probably would have acted weirdly about it.
But. But then she brought up Netflix and how she's in the middle of a show but Netflix is no longer letting her view her shows. Now, that triggered me a little, and again, I can't know what my mom was thinking or what her goals were, and it sucks that my brain has learned to pick apart every little piece of someone else's motivations. Because my brain immediately got angry at her because it picked up on being taken advantage of. As in, my brain had the strong desire to buy her another subscription because I was sad that she didn't have access to her favorite shows. And my brain's reaction to that -- to its own enable-y impulse, which was not being forced on me in any way -- was "she must be manipulating me." In fact, I wouldn't even be surprised if you guys made the same assumption about this. It makes sense. But, in reality, that's not what happened. What happened was that my mom brought up Netflix, and sure, she was probably hoping I would offer, but that's it. An indirect way of asking for something she's been using to cope with the sucky reality of not having a job and feeling helpless about the circumstances. And when I gave a reason why I couldn't (I told her it wasn't a good use of student loans), she quickly backtracked and started exploring the Netflix account to see what she could do to make it cheaper (though she has less than $14 in her bank account, BUT it's not my money and it's not enough for anything else, and honestly in her position I would totally use it on something comforting, so whatever).
It also wouldn't make sense for her to want to take my money without my permission, because she has gone out of her way over and over to try to avoid using my money, has spent way too much on me (not that I owe her anything for this), and clearly seems a little uncomfortable about asking for it. When she lost her job in January I immediately offered to pay for utilities we'd need to live and she told me she wouldn't accept it.
But I do feel she was maybe irresponsible with figuring all this out ahead of time. Yet, I don't want to hold it against her. She SHOULD have seen a therapist, but you can't should yourself. That, and she's a human who isn't getting treatment for illness, so being hateful about it won't improve the situation. It just won't. At the same time, it's okay that I'm annoyed that I was brought into this. If I lived elsewhere it wouldn't be an issue.
And so, back to why I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed at this situation, annoyed at how easily my brain draws similarities between my mom and Brandi (which is WILD because one is my mother who I actually like (though have been very angry at lately because I have high expectations that may or may not be reasonable, that's not the discussion here)), and annoyed at feeling like I need to support someone else. In all honestly I'm worried about what will happen when I move out. I'm also worried about how far this is going to set me back, but with having a job that is away from home and allows me to interact with other people all day, I think that will help me cope for a little longer.
Maybe without Netflix to distract her, she'll focus more on solutions. Although from what I understand, she's currently waiting to hear from Disability. And I think it's fair of her to ask me for help with bills while she's waiting on something legit like that. And of course I want to help, deep down, not just for my sake but because my mother hasn't had financial issues this bad since 2003, and I know she felt ashamed then and probably does now, and I also don't want her to be without basic things. Which is why I told her that she could visit my sister to watch her favorite shows, if she wants. Not as awesome since my sister's son is a toddler and will probably talk over the shows, but it certainly buys me time. And it IS cool that I was able to tell her that I couldn't pay for Netflix right now.
I would like a Netflix account again, because I was hoping to eventually finish the Dragon Prince and some other shows. But currently I don't have time anyway and I'm proud of myself for not giving in to my feelings of wanting to take care of everyone this week. So at the very least it's good exercise. Her birthday is in August, so maybe I'll just gift her a joint account with me then. If it's as a gift, it won't bother me as much, and by then she'll really appreciate it because she knows that I won't just have done it out if guilt. Which I'm sure she doesn't want.
It's hard to read people when your brain trusted your ex for ten years only to find out she was hurting you. I trust everyone a ton unless they need something from me that might hurt me. And my brain currently is in survival mode, I guess, and thinks I need to value independence over anything else. So, fine. It's true that using student loans for Netflix is a bad idea. It's also true that there are consequences for being in denial about needing therapy, disability, or a financial plan.
I wish I could pinpoint why I'm so annoyed better. Y'all probably know it's not because I want to feel like a special millennial who is thanked for the slightest thing (even though that's not true, most millennials/later kids joke about wishing they were never born, but heyyy), and even if you don't know that, I know that. I would like to honor my mother by letting go of my frustration and helping her out in her time of need, because I know that unlike my dad she's not trying to steal my money from me. She legit needed it if she was going to keep the Internet bill. She did try to find any organization that might help with it. She's a little too disabled to be able to go to the library often enough (she's tried, I was there to help her).
Maybe I'm just frustrated because I wish she had gotten help (like, mental support) before I had to help, and I'm trying to figure out how to help without enabling at the same time, which is a hard thing to do. And because I feel that I've done way too much in some ways. Some ways, not with money. I might still be upset about the not-acceptance for the hoarding help I offered her or something. Frustrated at how much she hurt my brothers and I.
And also triggered, too. Because my brain, like I said above, feels its being manipulated despite evidence to the contrary (I'm an adult and no one has forced me to help, and I'm not being brainwashed in any way), and because of some other reason that has slipped my mind because it's late and I only got three hours of sleep last night.
I suppose all that is to say that I feel that my frustration and annoyance is coming from a place of fear and uncertainty. More than anything, I'm afraid of being taken advantage of again by someone I trust, because it's happened to me several times now, ending in violence or life threatening situations most of the time. And if I couldn't trust THEM, then why should I trust my mother, when it feels like it's her fault that I'm stuck here and it turned out to be her enabling behavior that allowed (not caused) these bad things to happen. It was me feeling like I owed my mother everything that I took with me to the pedophile and to Brandi, after all, so my OCD brain has probably made a bad connection. Which might explain why I've been so obsessively upset about my mom lately, minus the house itself.
Okay, that's enough. I'm going to try to sleep now that this is off my chest. I feel less annoyed now. And the Internet bill is paid, so I can keep working in this cluttered office with my bird, which I still prefer despite my therapist insisting I should go to a library (which I totally would have if I hadn't FINALLY located the dung fly infestation's source and gotten rid of them).
Don't mind the bold or underlined, it's so I can find it later when I go over this again to see what I said. I tend to remember it in a different perspective than I wrote it down as (and I write it down in a different perspective than I was thinking of it). And that way I can bring this up with my therapist later. I think I need to talk about the difference between goodwill and enabling, because it's confusing. Maybe I will re-remember after I move out of this awful place.
I hope my grandma doesn't evict my mom as soon as I move out. I suppose if that happened I could probably get community support but it'd be awkward af. I haven't really talked to my grandma since she yelled at my mom for trying to explain to her that giving our dad his address was inappropriate. She said she felt sad for my dad because no one talks to him. Well... same, honestly, but I don't really like to hang out with people who sexually abuse children? It's kind of against most people's morals. I won't get into the fun facts about Greece I was thinking of at 1am though. I'm going to bed.
