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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Spending time messaging old undergrad friends and people I rented rooms from or met in foreign countries. The extravert side of me is already struggling but at least I’ve found a way to manage!

The texting and messaging is helpful for anxiety, too. I don’t have to isolate if I think I need a moment to answer someone. I can read a response and come back to it. For once it’s not the social anxiety that’s keeping me isolated though ?

I’m SO SO SO SO SO SO THANKFUL FOR SCOTTIE’S HELP AROUND THIS HOUSE. I’d probably be very VERY unwell right now if my mom’s house was still as much of a hoard as it was a few months ago. But instead I have three rooms I can use to get away from family. And they have the living room and bedrooms.

The kitchen is still dysfunctional but I can use the entire stove. And there’s a table. We could play board games :)

Not all positive things happening, but it never hurts to be thankful for the little things.
 
I recited a fake memory Brandi put in my head (to simplify what happened) to a friend and he thought it was very silly. Reciting it made me feel shakey and strange and incredibly anxious -- more so than usual because I was already stressed about several other things. Stress cup. I knew the false memory was secret somehow but my brain treats it like it's real. Despite the fact that it quite literally makes no sense.

It felt good to (a) not only share it but (b) hear myself say it and hear someone else giggle at it politely and then continue to be anxious about a real situation that was happening in real life.

I told my friend that it was nice to replace the fake memory with a real one. Now when I say the required comments in a similar situation, it will make sense.

It was about Brandi's lizard son, RJ. He's not real. My name isn't Luke. I'm not a cis-man with black hair and blue eyes. I don't have a gay son who's boyfriend left the door open on accident. I don't have an ex-wife who was famously really fat. It was all a false memory.

The brain is fascinating. I remember it so dang clearly. Maybe I should make a journal of fake memories to help sort them out.

On the other hand, my city is strange right now. I'm having trouble coping with too little to do, except this big project I'm supposed to be completing. My workplace called me today to tell me I'm not working today, they don't know about tomorrow. I reminded them that I used to be a manager and can learn new tasks quickly. I'll be willing to go in last minute for anything they might need. We'll see what happens, I suppose.

There are 26 cases in my city. I'm glad I know I've been badly coping by eating foods that trigger my disabilities or else I'd think I was one of them.

It makes perfect sense that the number of cases has increased -- the testing kits arrived recently. I'm upset that there were good "trial runs" for pandemics and the current administration never took note.

I am considering going to the local grocery stores to work temporarily. I hear they've been hiring on the spot. I guess we'll see what happens.
 
The thing about being stuck at home -- it's triggering me in a way I didn't expect it to. The world is a different color now. A different set. And it can't be changed back. That part I'm fine with; it's just the fact that it keeps happening. I remember what it felt like to be told seriously by an adult that being a "zoophile" was normal and natural. I remember knowing that my life wouldn't be the same.

The difference is that this time, it's a shared thing. I'm not keeping any dark, dirty secrets I hate. It's a virus. It feels fine. So I'm surprised it keeps messing with me in these non-pandemic ways.

I took virology courses and became close friends with the virology professor, who worked at Vanderbilt and the CDC in his past. I've been wanting to email him for a long time about how he'd recommend I met with my twin bro's son, since my twin bro is anti-vax. Now I might just get his professional opinion on the current events, if he's alright with sharing right now. I do wonder how his baby daughter is doing. Now's still a great time to connect with people by asking if they're good.

Fun fact, tho: biggest turn off is people who don't text back lol

Now might be a good time to online date for practice. No one is gonna ask me to meet out of nowhere or pressure me into sex. lol

I have canceled all my therapy appointments for over a month straight now. I wonder how they'll handle me now, since there's no way they're gonna let me into the office now, lol
 
I wonder what "species" god would be if he were around Earth. I bet beetle.

Did you know some beetles are so similar that they can only be told apart (even by each other) by the intricate shapes of their penises?

Yeah, I said those comments in the same post. Sue me :P

Beetles are idiots but I love them anyway. Bess beetles and burying beetles may be my favorites. They've evolved to have complex social lives (and weird sex lives -- nothing beats penis fencing though; I wish I could fight people with my dick). Burying beetles and bess beetles both care for their young. Bess beetles make cute sounds. I have always wanted one as a pet, but it's not wise to take them in -- if you see them, rest assured their family (and babies) are around and NEED them to survive. Doesn't matter if they're easy to care for, some beetle needs them.

Gosh I love beetles. When I die and do whatever dead people do, I hope I can haunt some f*cking beetle houses. I'll be the coolest protector spirit ever. Also for human kids, but clearly beetles are the dominant species on Earth. Under orchids.

Why doesn't the Old Testament mention beetles??? What, was it written by humans and not beetles?????? >:c
 

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