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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Alright, well, I guess it doesn't hurt anything to talk about this now. I didn't want to on my birthday. :P

I woke up the other day with a physical feeling that the pedophile was messing with my genitals, and it hurt. I was distressed for the entire rest of the day. It's still troubling me a bit. I had my first period of the year recently and it was very painful, very heavy flow. I went through an entire box of tampons the first day, another box the second day. Third box lasted me a couple of days, thankfully. I think the last time I had a normal period that was complete was in 2017? I had a period last year, also in March. I'm wondering if maybe they trigger something.

At least I'm not on it now.

I think after I finish all my work for this class I'm going to finally talk about what happened with Autumn and then talk about that assault I had in college. I didn't previously think of that as very traumatic but if someone else told me it had happened to them, I'd have definitely told them to report it and get into therapy, and offer support.

I've been so unusally stressed that it's been really hard to focus. I'm almost glad my work has me off for the next... well, supposedly week, but realistically? Foreseeable future. Typically I can do one big task a day before I get too exhausted. But all the stress from lately has zapped me a bit.

I've definitely already been used to life-as-we-know-it being fragile and on its way to messing up, doesn't mean I have to like it. ?
 
@somerandomguy The hugs are seriously more than enough for me — especially right now. I admit I’m afraid of getting touched too much, but the lack of having been touched for the last month is making me feel weird.

I’m a good mix of introvert and extrovert, but I really lean toward extravert. Which is why on my birthday I went to Scottie’s house, though I was scared the whole time I’d accidentally contaminate him with something. Had a lot of fun though!!

Still worried though. In fact, more now, because I’ve developed a slight cough and taste my lungs being upset about something — like when I got strep in them that one time. It still, very honestly, could be a mix of a lack of good sleep and allergies.

OCD is probably keeping me pretty safe, but now it’s keeping me awake more than ever WORRYING. Which is fine I suppose. I’m glad I have my own bathroom, but I still want to shower nightly so I need to use the shared bathroom.

I do not trust my aunt to stay safe from the virus. She’s likely to get my mother killed. She’s not thoughtful enough. So that’s unfortunate. Though I’ve been reminding my mom repeatedly to be extra careful and act like everyone is contagious. Hopefully she’s following. I’ll be mad if my siblings not only got to move out, be married, and be independent, but also if she dies and got to be in every wedding but mine.

(That’s mostly a joke, don’t worry.)

But anyway. Suppose I’ll try to sleep. ?‍♀️

Kind of annoying that my city declared a state of emergency and I’m not allowed to let the cat outside. I get it. But I feel sad for the lil boy.

My mom keeps being rude in my general direction though. I understand why, but also notice that I’m not being rude to anyone to cope with my stress. For example, I have not accused her of ... well, anything, except touching her face. But she keeps saying weird, religion-related things to me — anti-religion but as if she were speaking to Christian white woman “feminist” (but anti-trans and homophobic) Karen with her three kids. Not to me. I have no idea why. But, no. I never said G-d was gonna swoop in and save anyone... when has that happened?? When did I claim it did?? Why is she suddenly telling me I’m kind of an idiot for being hopeful? Weird woman.

But anyway. Talking didn’t help the OCD symptoms which is new but very understandable. I’ll get some rest. I’ve been cuddling the cat we have to keep in every night. So hopefully all is well with that.
 
I remember in that virology class that the professor mentioned that the next pandemic was going to be soon and the government was critically underprepared. We wrote a little 5 page essay on it I think.

I freaking loved that professor, I should email him and ask him how he’s doing. He worked for the CDC once and probably has some really interesting opinions. He helped when Ebola almost (very almost) became a pandemic here. The lab was cool looking.

I’m so thankful it’s not Ebola going around. People laughed about Ebola at the time but it’s a genuinely terrifying concept.

It’s thanks to a virus that (most) mammals can give life birth, fun fact :D
 
going back and reading the first pages of this diary. Same issues then as now. Only some of them I don’t wince at anymore.

I like my method of burying posts. It seems to work. But it also means I don’t know what I’m about to expose myself to when I go back to take a look.

Today was probably not a good day for that anyway.
 

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