Anxious? Can’t quite place why, though. It’s gotten bad enough that I can’t sleep at night, though. My dog’s exhausted. Also, my social life is suffering. I keep having days where I feel okay and text/call/message many of the humans I know, and then other days when I can’t manage to say a sentence out loud. Anxiety is odd.
I re-hired that therapist — the profesional organizer (the one who works with hoarders) — and told her I want to do this for me, too, because I have ADHD and never learned how to organize, so who better to turn to than a professional? She has agreed to help my mom and I finally clean out the kitchen. She said she’s very impressed by Scottie’s and my progress in the house.
I actually called her because my main therapist gave me homework — to be “assertive.” That’s what I’ve named it. I came to her with an issue of “avoiding confrontation” and we realized together it was because I was calling it “confrontation,” which has negative results — such as my dad attacking me. So, assertive it is. Mature, reasonable, and no one will raise their voice at me if I turn around and leave anyway.
She told me to practice being assertive in the next two weeks as homework. Good times.
End of the two weeks, I was vacuuming the house, and I realized I could no longer vacuum more than half of my mom’s room because shes blocked it off. I got angry. Very angry. Usually what I do is keep that inside, and it ends up manifesting as me not wanting to talk to my mom at all. And being mad at her for stupid things. Standard human behavior.
So this time I considered the fact that my mom isn’t in her right mind about Stuff, exactly. And nothing I say in voicing my frustration is going to solve anything. Realized contacting that therapist would be my best bet right now.
My main therapist was very impressed, told me I’m incredible and a delight to work with. Made me happy.
I’m worried about working with my mom. It’s easy cleaning the house without her here. Not so much if she’s around. Because I’m afraid of her, for some reason. I guess. It doesn’t really matter.
The professional organizer is a freelancer who charges $65/hour, and only works in three hour blocks to help speed up progress. That’s $195 a session. She would like to do three sessions, so that will total $585. That makes me nervous. Despite the fact that I’m making enough, I need a real job, and my anxiety won’t be quiet about it at 3am, at all. Ive calculated that I need an income of, very minimally, $36,000 a year (or $25/hr) and currently that’s not looking possible. Stresses me out.
Does not help that I’m feeling lonely and want a kid. My brain’s been hormonal, I guess. And it wants to rush things. I keep telling it that my mom had me when she was 35, and there’s seriously no rush. But then a voice whispers that there IS a rush, because soon I’ll have to pay real rent and take care of bills AGAIN and rent here is expensive.
I just thought of something. Nashville area is having a housing crisis. Is Kentucky? That’s not even too far from here, like an hour.... I should check rent in Kentucky and then re-do my calculations, maybe? Would be hard to find a biology job there, though, maybe. I want to do an internship at the zoo here — but it would be unpaid, so is that realistic? So hard to decide when I’m afraid of just being too poor to afford food again. Lol.
Anyway, that’s how I’m doing. I’m sorry for the long silence, I’ve been a bit stressed.
