Relationship Combat And All Ptsd Carers: How Does This Impact Your Faith?

[Army_Brat_88]

This thread is NOT to be a debate on whether God exists or not, so if you are not a believer please respect those who may post to this thread.

This post transcends combat PTSD, it goes for everyone who's a carer in a relationship with their sufferer, and is geared towards those who believe in God (or any higher power that be).

I'd found over the months I was very torn. As a Christian, I'm not to give up on those who need help. You are SUPPOSED to help the needy and suffering, even if it means you go without for them. You know there is to be pain and suffering when you believe, that you will not be spared of it - but it's how you choose to alleviate that suffering - either walk away from God, or plant your feet firmly and take what you're given.

Some of us have really thought that we should wait it out because that person was "the one we were meant to be with" - as though God finally gave us that person we've held out for, only to have a thick concrete wall of PTSD built infront of us in a nanosecond.

I've felt guilt, like I'm SUPPOSED to stick it out no matter what - that I'm SUPPOSED to suffer and set aside my own happiness for this individual regardless of statistics and possibilities...that even if it was all for nothing, I'd somehow still be rewarded because I believed in God to make things right in the end and reward me for having waited.

We are taught "In His perfect time". It isn't *our* time, and we're taught patience and perserverence. The reward is on it's way. But what if there is no reward? Then I wondered how long I was supposed to wait w/o some kind of sign from the heavens? Well, then you're not putting your faith into practice and letting God take care of it.

You're not supposed to give up on God - and you don't want to give up on the person you swore was the one for you, so you're in this hellish cycle. Each time you are throwing your hands up you think "No, what if this is how it's supposed to be and I throw away my test?" And you pray and beg for answers or signs.

So you're terrified to make a decision either way, and time goes by. You can't make anything happen, yet nothing is happening regardless. So you just keep walking forward, that "step out in faith" as they call it...never fully able to find rest or peace because you wonder if you won't be called back into it at the least likely moment.

 

[wife of]

Whilst retaing a belief in some form of god and the concept of good and evil in man,I now consider organised religions to be no more than tribal belief systems which people justify as a reason to kill each other,

Religions preach that people should be tolerant but that primarily thier view is the correct view and the others view is wrong.

This breeds fanatacism which is usualy at the root of all warfare.

 

[sunshiney]

Some of us have really thought that we should wait it out because that person was "the one we were meant to be with" - as though God finally gave us that person we've held out for, only to have a thick concrete wall of PTSD built infront of us in a nanosecond.

I guess in a way this was kind of me. I met my ex at a time in my life when I wasn't looking for anyone or a relationship. I was happy being single and getting my life together and then my ex came along. I felt at the time he was put into my life for a reason and even still after all the good and bad, I believe he was put into my life for a reason, that perhaps he was "the one".

I guess I'm one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason, both good and bad. I believe that we may never know what path God has chosen for us, sometimes we got steered off course and take a detour, but eventually everything works out just the way it was supposed to. I always say to myself when things happen, usually bad things, if I wasn't dealing with this, it would be something else. There is ALWAYS going to be an obstacle.

My dad always tells me "God never gives us more than we can handle" and sometimes I get mad because I think things are way more than I can handle, but somehow it all ends up okay. And then I wonder dealing with my ex with PTSD, is this something I supposed to be able to handle? And as you said Army_Brat, feeling guilty for deciding whether or not to stick it out.

I don't think there's really an answer. Life just happens, I suppose.

 

[princessx]

I guess I'm one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason, both good and bad. I believe that we may never know what path God has chosen for us, sometimes we got steered off course and take a detour, but eventually everything works out just the way it was supposed to. I always say to myself when things happen, usually bad things, if I wasn't dealing with this, it would be something else. There is ALWAYS going to be an obstacle.

Obstacles are placed in front of us so we find that inner strength and battle our demons. Once we overcome the obstacles, we transform as human beings and usually for the better. Faith takes a huge role in my life too as I try to support my marine. As we became closer in our relationship, I found God in order to find forgiveness. Prayer has gotten me through forgiving him, getting through our breakup, and coming out on top. I prayed for him to come back into my life if that was my destiny and he did. Maybe my prayer was answered and maybe he was meant to be with me. Regardless, I find peace turning to God and asking for help with being a supporter.

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Whilst retaing a belief in some form of god and the concept of good and evil in man,I now consider organised religions to be no more than tribal belief systems which people justify as a reason to kill each other,

Religions preach that people should be tolerant but that primarily thier view is the correct view and the others view is wrong.

This breeds fanatacism which is usualy at the root of all warfare.

I have a strong sense of things spiritual and have faith in my ability to know the difference between right and wrong. I do question a lot of things and am wary of people who will not even consider another's religious/spiritual beliefs let alone respect them.

 

[sunshiney]

I found God in order to find forgiveness. Prayer has gotten me through forgiving him, getting through our breakup, and coming out on top..

I often pray myself for forgiveness, but still haven't really been able to come to terms or much forgiving. I know how important it is to forgive, if you don't it will control your life - the anger and hurt, but I just haven't been able to. Perhaps I have been through too much. I don't really know. I would LOVE to be able to forgive though and be at peace with it all.

 

[living4jesus]

Scripture comes to mind, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6
God never said that life would be easy but he did promise that it would be worth it. The ultimate reward is Heaven. This life is only temporary. Not saying that we should suffer on earth either, but we do know our eternal life is going to be AMAZING!:inlove:

Sometimes when my faith is tested and I am not sure which way to go, I sit in silence and pray and listen to God. I pray for Gods will for my life, not my own will. That is hard to accept, sometimes we pray for God to fix everything and maybe that isn't his purpose for that incident in our lives. Maybe he is preparing us for something bigger, maybe he wants us to learn something, or maybe there is another reason we go thru these things. We have to hold on to that Faith and to Gods promises that are throughout scripture in the Bible. So I pray alot and hard, That helps me gain perspective, and God gives me guidance when i sit in solitude and worship and listen to God.

The truth is we don't know for sure what choices we make are the right ones.However, the way I see it is that when God closes one door he opens another. And if we are praying for God's will in our lives then we should trust in him to lead us and direct us in the way to go. God does not want us to suffer, or be miserable in life. Any choices we make in our relationships or life we should continue to pray to God about and ask him to reveal his Will in our lives, so that we can be a walking testimony of his love.

 

[IvyMillie]

This is a good question that you are asking. I'm thinking you mean that when we are married that we shouldn't get divorced, is that right? As far as my understanding there were certain occasions in the Bible that allow for separation ( abuse) and one situation that does allow for divorce (the grounds of adultery). However, overral of course, one should try to stick with one's mate. That is a personal decision and only you know how much you can handle.

I agree that sometimes I have to handle more than I think I can, or that I want to, however, things seem to get better in time. I do think that we do learn from our trials. Sometimes, time itself helps us to cope with things better.

We are supposed to be loving, unselfish, and caring for others. However, none of us are perfect and we can't do it perfectly. For some of us we just try our best, and maybe to someone else it wouldn't look like much, but it is our best. Also, we have an obligation to care for ourselves too. So we can't give, give, give, without any thought for our own personal welfare.

I think that in this world people tend to give up on relationships when the going gets tough, and I know you aren't meaning that at all, because you've already been through alot. Sometimes, one has to pray specifically for certain things. Maybe, to try and love our mate more, if we feel our love has died.

It may also depend on how long you have been married--how much do you have invested? Do you have children and what will the affect be on them? Sometimes we imagine life will be so much better with someone else--however everyone has baggage--and no relationship will be perfect. You have to start all over again trying to find the right person and go through all of that again and that's not easy nowadays. Some people end up in worse situations. They jump out of the fire and into the frying pan as the expression goes.

You seem like a person who is really trying and please give yourself credit for all you do and especially when it isn't easy. I think alot of married people have gone through similar feelings of questioning their decision. Be patient with yourself as you have been, the answer will come to you in time.

 

[Mrs. T]

I love this thread.

The part that I find difficult is my husband's 'break' that he's taking from God due to the things he has been through and felt God should have done more to protect him and loved ones. I can't argue with that because I don't know why either. I often feel angry too because of all the unjust things that he has gone through...I dont think it is God I am angry with, but it certainly has made me question God's existence.

I go to church like routine and sometimes it is my kids that get me there...I'm pretty sure God is real, but I feel distant at the moment.Hoping for that certainty and relationship I once had with Him.

As far as my relationship with my husband, when times get rough I remind myself of my vows "in sickness and in health...." Sometimes it takes repeating that over and over. From what I read though, my husband's symptoms are easier to handle than others, so I'm just saying what helps for myself.

 

[gms1976]

I used to be a christian and I used to believe in a loving god, but after over a decade of praying and crying and suffering, I came to the conclusion last year that if there is anything out there, it doesn't give a crap about me. I am from africa and experienced my first civil war at age 4. I was molested at age 10 (probably many times before that I cannot recall) and made to stand in front of my father's chair like I was on trial when I told him my grandad molested me. My father rejected me and told me I was lying or had misunderstood his affection.

My upbringing was emotionally neglectful and cold and I had undiagnosed bipolar II disorder and was always being yelled at and punished for being "difficult". My father had bipolar disorder and PTSD (War-related) as well and would fly into a temper over nothing - one time was because his towel in the bathroom was touched. I tried to commit suicide at age 13 by drinking flea dip. After I got out of the hospital my father refused to talk about it and I was hauled - physically - to a psychologist's office and told it was "a phase I was going through." At age 16 my father had a heart attack at home and I was the only person in the house who knew CPR and I tried to save him and failed - he died in front of me. My family became very distant to me because of that.

I am now 35 years old, an RN and my life has been spiraling for the past 2 years. I was finally diagnosed with severe PTSD about a year ago. I am in therapy twice a week and barely keeping my head above water most days. I also have infertility problems and my husband and I have done three cycles of IVF. The first 2 failed and I got pregnant on the 3rd attempt only to miscarry at 7 weeks. Heartbreak doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I want to be a mom so badly. A day after returning to work from miscarrying my baby, my office got broken into and they stole my work laptop with all my work for the past 3 years on it. I was a mess and my colleagues think I am a headcase as it is.

After all that has happened to me - and trust me, there is much more I haven't even begun to explain - how can anyone think there is a kind and loving god? If a man stood in a room with a 2-way mirror so he could look into the next room without anyone knowing he was there and he saw a man walk over and touch and molest and attempt to rape a little girl, but just watched and didn't do anything about it, he would be arrested as an accomplice. Christians my whole life have told me that god is always with you and present which makes me sick to my stomach because he is just like that man standing behind the glass, watching and not doing anything.

I really want to scream when I get told by christians that "don't worry, god is carrying you and was there in spirit." What effing good does it do for this all-powerful entity to be there and not show any kind of support or prescence. Obviously god didn't do such a swell job because I am now thoroughly screwed up beyond all fixing and suicide is always at the back of my mind. What has stopped me is that I don't know what happens after death. If I knew, I would be outta here.

I see religion now as man's way of explaing what science has yet to find answers to. Just like thousands of years ago when early man didn't know what the sun and moon were or how the seasons worked; they assigned deities and such to them. Today we know how and why things work, but science has pushed the boundaries so there will always be unanswered questions. I honestly believe that man's need for religion has evolved to include more complex ideas, but the basic premise is, if you can't explain it, it must be god. All I see are self-important little people scuttling around on a ball of rock each claiming their god is the best or the only way. I have prayed and cried out and now I am done. I finally lost my faith sometime last year.

I almost committed suicide this year. I had a plan and I was ready to carry it out. The burden to live was so heavy and I was so tired of living and always being in such emotional pain. I felt a burden to everyone around me. Christians always say "god will never give you more than you can carry." What a joke! How many people out there commit suicide daily because they couldn't handle "what god gave them to carry."

There is no god in my life anymore. I don't even know if there is anything out there, but no loving god or thing would create a world (and knowing while it did so) that would become such a hell filled with pain, hatred and incredible suffering. I am done with religion and belief systems. Period.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I am sad to say that I really can't believe anymore, either. I tried. Maybe I will try again.

I simply do not have the luxury to be cogitating about how a god fits into PTSD. It's an extraordinarly difficult issue.

 

[Prettysmile]

QUOTE]That is hard to accept, sometimes we pray for God to fix everything and maybe that isn't his purpose for that incident in our lives. Maybe he is preparing us for something bigger, maybe he wants us to learn something, or maybe there is another reason we go thru these things.

[/QUOTE]

Living for Jesus, This is proven to be true over and over again in our lives. I believe that everyone comes in our life for a reason, some only for a season to teach us something or to even lead us to another path in our lives.

Army Brat when you said you kept praying and praying a waiting for a sign. I've learned this being a Christian myself. After you prayed and prayed, you did get your sign. Sometimes we don’t want to accept what God is telling us. When these men are not returning and calling or loving us they we deserve. That was the sign that they were not for us.

A good Christian friend told me something when I first met my Marine 2yrs ago. He was still active duty and stationed in another state. After the honey moon stage was over (about two months into the relationship) and the phone calls became fewer and fewer. Back then I was not sure if he had PTSD or not. He had just returned from Iraq. If he did, none of us was aware at the time. Back then when he wasn’t calling and paying me much attention. He blamed it on his busy schedule being in the military. When I began to become doubtful as to whether or not I can handle such a relationship. My friend told me. “Just pray about it, pray about your relationship. If indeed he is for you then things will work out fine. If he is not, you will find that he will become more and more busier and call you less and less. That is God way of telling you to move on by making him unavailable. Also, suddenly things about your partner will become less and less appealing to you...” I think that was the best advice she gave to me. I will continue to apply that advice in any future relationships. I truly feel when God gives something to you; no one can take it from you.

Lastly, I'd like to say that this forum is very helpful with learning about PTSD as well help each other are a support system and that’s all great. But we all need to be careful to not let it consume our lives. In my faith we are taught to focus on God, trust him and meditate in his word. Since he is a jealous God. Anything else in which we spend too much time on and too much focus on that takes away from your time with him.. He WILL take it away from you. This could be a relationship, a Job, a car etc. If you don’t take the time out to pray and thank him for all the blessings he has given to you, then all those other things you give soo much focus and energy on becomes your god. In my faith there is only one.

Sometimes I have to catch myself too. I am guilty of focusing too much on when and if Marine is going to see or call me, sometimes I spend too much time working on my Job and not taking a break. When we learn to live in the word and for his purpose he will also bless us with the desires of our hearts.